At first I was feeling kind of excited. Like we were finally doing something proactive. I knew we still had a snowball's chance in hell, but at least we were moving in the right direction. Then I got this email from my mother about how excited she was that we would be doing the injections at her house. She said she felt like she was really part of the process and she couldn't wait to tell our daughter (!) about the magical Christmas (yes, she said magical) where her parents moved heaven and earth to make the dream of her come true. I did not respond to the email. She knows we have 11% odds with this crap, so why she felt the need to write all that is beyond me. Suddenly I felt like I had more weight on my shoulders.
My husband and I are trying to be realistic. Our mantra has become, "One hurdle at a time." Now all of the sudden my mother has me pregnant... with a girl. W.T.F.
So I went on my run last night to try to clear my head. I was only 5 or so minutes in when I got a horrible pain in my tailbone that shot under my hip and down my leg, making my toes go numb. Then I remembered that this happened my last period too and I was wondering if it was endo related since it started in my notoriously painful tailbone. That's when the tears started to flow. I hate that my body betrays me. I hate that I want to run to destress over my body angst, but even that doesn't work because my body plays games with me. I hate that I eat when I'm stressed and when I can't run the eating catches up with me. I hate that we have to do any of this at all. I feel like I've let my husband down. He would never say that I have and he refuses to point fingers, but I know it's my body that's the problem.
It was a long night, with a lot of talking and thinking of what lies ahead. We came back to our hurdle mantra and are just going to tell everyone else to back the f off. Then this morning, it was down the hatch. Onward we go.
Oh hun! I get it. Something that seems so 'natural' like getting pregnant is just so hard for us to understand when our bodies betray us and not allow us to do it 'the old fashion way'. I hope everything works out this cycle!
ReplyDeleteI miss running. Looks like I'll be able to pick it up again tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so sorry. And your mom probably thinks she's being encouraging. I'm sending you lots of good thoughts. I hope that tomorrow is better than today was.
ReplyDelete(And - on another note - I've never heard the word "hapa" before. I'm trying to make one of those too!)
Oy!! Talk about pressure! It sounds like she was trying to be supportive but it just isn't coming out that way!
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry you are feeling upset and your mum probably doesnt realize that she is hurting you, she is probably trying to just keep you positive by saying positive things but I know that sometimes you just dont want to hear that stuff when all you have gotten in the past is negative things. I hope that things get better. xx
ReplyDeleteYikes mom. I'm also guessing she had good intentions. Sometimes I have to clamp my mouth shut and nod when I get comments like "oh don't worry, it'll happen soon". Best wishes to you this cycle!
ReplyDeleteI know mom's feel like they are being supportive when they say things like this but it's hard when they're just piling more expectations onto you. Good luck with this cycle. I'll be hoping for you!
ReplyDeleteMoms. Not mom's. I had to correct that. It was driving me nuts!
ReplyDelete