Drugs and Dates and Dudettes

First thing to note - whatever BCP I'm on - IT BLOWS!!! My boobs hurt so badly I have a sports bra on and last night I had a dream that was entirely about eating.  Plus, I have a headache.  C'est la vie, because...

We have a lift off date, people!!!

I finally have a dosage for my Follistim (200 iu in case you're dying to know) and we have a start date... which is an interesting day.

I'll start my Follistim two weeks from today.  I'll also turn 34 that day.

I'm choosing to see it as a good omen rather than a "What a shitty way to spend my birthday" thing.  What's really weird, though, is how transfer day potentially falls.  That puts us for a potential transfer day that falls on our first wedding anniversary.  I have mixed thoughts.  First, what a cool story to tell if it works.  Second, what a shitty thing to remember if it doesn't.  J says, "Who cares.  That day will forever be the day I married you and that's it."  He's so awesome.  I think I'll keep him.

I'm still scared shitless.  I'm afraid of all the hormones I'll be pumping into my body and I'm afraid it won't work.  I hate failing, and I've done nothing but fail since we started this whole thing.  But I'm trying to be positive.  Let's face it - I'm going to be a super disappointed shriveled mess if it doesn't work, so there's no use doing the "try not to get your hopes up" thing.  Might as well surround myself with positive, hopeful thoughts.

I'm giving a podium presentation at an international symposium (thankfully only 5 hours away from me this year) right after when transfer will fall.  Obviously - I have to go.  I was asking a coworker if she thought I should ask another coworker, who will be going with us and has done IVF, if she would do my PIO shots.  Now, this first coworker, we'll call her Anne, is a dear friend and someone I see as my cool aunt or something.  She jumped right in and yelled, "I wanna do it!" 

Me:  "Seriously?  You wanna shoot me in the ass?"
Anne:  "Hell yeah!  Hey, can I sign your butt too so J can find it?"

For all the bitching I've done lately, I do realize how lucky I am.  I was talking with a friend the other day who said, "I just want you to have a baby.  I want to wave a magic wand and make it all go away."  If there were ever a perfect thing to say, that would be it.  That's just the kind of girl she is.  She gets it.  I could have told her I was part alien and wanted to get back to my home planet of Gramork and she would know the right thing to say.  She just puts herself in someone else's shoes.  I could take a lesson or 12 from her.

I also get to meet a bloggy friend in real life for the first time tomorrow, so I'm way excited about that too! :)

Onward and upward.

IVF School and Photo Catch Up

IVF Class was today.  Holy moly.  We're still feeling very overwhelmed.  It was a little odd being with other couples.  I mean, they were nice people and all, and I get the thought behind it, but it's hard not sit and wonder which of us will get pregnant, and which won't.  Aside from that, my clinic is awesome and they are all so kind and invested.  They talk like this is going to work.  They say things like, "when you get your positive test."  It's just nice to be around such positivity. 

Since we are who we are, and I can't feel settled until all the ducks are in a row, things are still up in the air.  We aren't sure on a start date, and since I have an out of town conference coming up, that's a problem.  It's the one friggin' time a year that I go out of town for work.  ONE TIME!  We're hoping we'll be able to start next Saturday to avoid all that business.  Also, my doctor didn't put a Folistim dose on my instruction sheet or anywhere in my chart before he left the country for two weeks, so we can't get started on my med order.  I have to get my meds through my insurance company's pharmacy, and it usually takes a week from order to meds in hand.  AND I have to get my most recent pap results from my Gyno.  I'm a couple of months overdue, but I've never had an issue, so hopefully it's fine, but of course I'm anxious about that.  I don't want to have to try to get another one in the next week or so.  The last one will be under my maiden name, which just makes it more complicated.  Oh, and apparently they've decided I'm at a high risk of OHSS so I'm doing a Lupron trigger.  All the sudden, I'm just scared.  It's a lot of shots, a lot of hormones, a lot of everything, and I'm pissed that we have to do any of it.

So here's some damned pictures!  I'm still super behind so I'll give them to you in small doses.  I'm missing one in this batch, but I will catch up before the month is finished!!!  I WILL!!!

Morning

Build

Button.  This is my computer screen.  When I push that green button, I make a kid hear.  It's the best button ever.

Green

Numbers

Over It

I have been a really crappy ICLWer this time around.  I haven't done much commenting and I haven't blogged much myself.  I'm super behind on my photos for Belle's photo challenge.  Actually most of them are taken, I just haven't downloaded them.  Truth be told - I'm playing a little ostrich.

We had plenty of people rooting us on.  I sent out a little email to 3 different people.  Well 4, but one doesn't count because she's my nearest and dearest Farrah and knows everything anyway.  Back to the email.  I just gave an update that things weren't going as we had hoped and we are going to be doing IVF.  I asked for continued support.  I asked for emails or phone calls about what's going on in their lives so we can talk about things that don't involve my uterus.  For two of my friends, I even talked about how worried I was that this whole thing is changing our relationship.  Crickets.  I haven't heard a damned reply from any of them (except Farrah, of course).

I don't know if they're sick of hearing of it or if we're being judged for our choice.  I suspect it's the latter and that hurts. But it hurts badly enough that I can't even dive into figuring out what if anything to do about it.  I have a 3D sono and IVF school this week.  That's what I want to focus on.

So I'm sorry I'm a sucky blogger right now.  I will get back on track.  I will comment on all the good, bad, and ugly and I have been thinking about you all.  I will also write something witty and fantastic soon.  :/

On a happier note - my hair is awesome.  All these hormones and prenatal vitamins have made it suddenly really thick and long.  I'm letting it grow for entertainment value.  Also, I love Peeps.  This year, someone decided it would be awesome to make chocolate mousse Peeps and then dip their little asses in chocolate.  I would like to find that person and kiss him or her on the mouth.

Yay Peeps!

THIEF!!!

Alright.

There's a serious problem in my office.

Things are missing.

PANTYLINERS are missing.

And pens.

I keep a little stash in the bathroom, because who wants to be walking down the hall to the bathroom in a pediatric clinic, trying to hide a pantyliner.  And lets face it, we IFers should buy stock in the damned things what with our "cooter caps" and all (that's what J has taken to calling Prometrium.  Cooter caps).  Last cycle, I thought that my stash was being diminished fairly quickly, but that it must be in my head.  Today, I needed to bring some to work, but I KNEW I had some left in the office.  I had strategically hidden them behind the trash bags.  I just finished my cooter caps Friday, so it's not like it was a month ago since I last checked or anything.  This morning, I went in the bathroom to check and THEY WERE GONE!  Along with the baggie I put them in!  Hooker hid the evidence.  AND there are two other baggies of feminine products in there too so WHY did they steal from the hidden bag?!?!?

And where the hell are all of my pens?

Pantyliners, sharpies, ball points, and my favorite purple gel pen.  Someone is making one heck of an art project somewhere, people. 

A Good Omen?

I popped my first BCP for our first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle this morning. On the way to work, we had a beautiful sight.  A good omen, perhaps?

Grateful Remorse

Sometimes I think that I've already called in all of my favors or used all of my wishes.  I can't ask for anything else when I already have so much.

I woke up in the middle of the night, rolled over, and saw my husband's back facing me.  I watched his side rise up and down as he breathed in and out and was suddenly overwhelmed.  The tears just started to flow and I left them roll down my cheeks.

I was gripped with guilt and gratitude all at the same time.  Guilt for what I can't give him and what I don't give him.  Gratitude for everything he gives me.  He is truly a calm in any storm.  The kind, gentle, and steadfast spirit in this man is something I can only hope to emulate.  I spend so much time gripped with anxiety and too often I take it out on him.  I don't give back what he gives me.

He rolled over and put his hand on my arm.  A simple touch from him always feels like a balm.  My cracks and crevices are filled and I can relax for a bit.  I whispered an "I love you" and went back to sleep, promising myself to show him more gratitude during the day and not just think about it while he's sleeping.

St. Joseph's Day

Photo credit: Catholic.org

When I was a kid, the Irish has March 17th, and the Italians had March 19th.  Even in school, we had "no uniforms" day for both days.  We could wear green on the 17th and red on the 19th.  I grew up in a city that had a large Italian-American community and it was awesome.

On March 19th, Sicilians celebrate the feast of St. Joseph.  We thank him for his intercession during a famine in Sicily in the middle ages.  In most places around the world, there is a traditional meal and celebrations that go on, but where I grew up, we celebrated a little bit differently, and I still like to celebrate it here in NC.  People I know actually look forward to it now.

Back home, we would get loaves of St. Joseph's Bread and have them blessed by our parish priest.  Now, not only can I not get the bread here, I'm afraid my parish priest would think I was nuts since no one around here celebrates the holiday at all, much less the way I do it.  So I make my own bread.  There is a traditional St. Joseph's Bread, but back home we had small round loaves with a cross on the top, so that's what I make.  We would take these loaves and share them with friends and neighbors, along with dipping oil and spices.  Now I bring a couple of loaves to work and make a nice dinner.  I'm especially excited this year because I get to use the awesome oil plates and carafe my uncle gave us as a wedding gift.

This year St. Joseph's day has special meaning.  He's the patron saint of families.  Now, many people think Catholics worship saints, but that isn't the truth.  We pray WITH them and ask for their intercession.  Kind of a "since you have God's ear right there and all..." thought process.  The Pope chooses what a saint will be a "patron" of based on things that occurred in that saint's earthly life.  My mom prays for the intercession of St. Joseph in our family building.  I pray with St. Anne, the mother of Mary.  Apparently she struggled with infertility and got Mary out of the deal.  I picked her because most people don't chose her for infertility so I figure she isn't too busy. :)  But on the feast of St. Joseph, I will be saying some extra prayers for our family building efforts.  Can't hurt, right?

You Know You Have a Good Doctor When...

... he calls you on a Saturday morning because he's going out of town and doesn't want to leave you in limbo.  I really like the Saturday morning consult method.  J was involved thanks to the marvel of speakerphone and we didn't have a copay or trip to the clinic.

So we're on to IVF.  He did offer to do a lap and have a round of COH with all injectables, but the thought of less than stellar stats with a decent risk of higher order multiples did not sound enticing.  I'll lake more stress and shots, but no surgery for a 50/50 shot, Alex!  He's leaning towards an antagonist protocol, but hasn't decided yet.  Anyone done one of those and have info to share?  I'm going to go ahead and start BCPs on CD3, schedule a sonohystogram and IVF class.  We are both scheduled to be out of town for part of the first week of May, so I'm hoping we can find a way to work around that.  I can't figure out when things will fall timing wise.  Anyone go out of town during an IVF cycle and not have Armageddon on their hands?

On a lighter note, we planted a vegetable garden today.  You should know that we are doing this because we have so  many extra pots laying around.  The only reason we have so many pots is because we've killed so many things.  If I can't make a baby, maybe I can at least germinate a damned squash seed.

Oh and I learned a new Korean word today!  I learned "okay."  I now know yes, thank you, okay, mom, dad, grandmother, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and dogs taste good.

Negative

Nothing but a bunch of white space. This is hitting especially hard because it suddenly feels like a new layer. We can't do it on our own, we can't do it with a little help. We need a lot of help. There are no more layers after IVF on the biological child onion for us and that scares the crap out of me.

Eat! Glow! Design!

Temp is still up, but I'm still not testing until Friday, people!  I'm not a frequent stick peer.  My philosophy is to only be sad once.  If I test tomorrow and it's negative, I'll just be sad and then tell myself that Friday will be more accurate. I'll test again, and then I'll be sad twice.  Okay, I'm lying.  J is making me wait until Friday because he doesn't want me to be sad twice.  He called it a "man mandate."  I kept a straight face while he said it and everything.

On to the photos!

Eat!

This is a crummy phone photo.  I took when I was eating my usual Monday meal.  Panera, a Diet Coke, and my Nook.  Sad to learn that I can't blog on my nook. :(  I eat at Panera on Monday's because my office is almost an hour from my house and I have rehearsal 15 minutes from my office.  So I hit up Panera and then go sing.  It's this little microcosm of my very diverse town.  While I was eating, I was listening to five, yes FIVE languages swirling around me.  And I live in the SOUTH people!!  I love it and was so surprised to find such diversity here.

This is glowy, right?

Glow!

 This is a tree in the park where we walk the dog.  We always stop to look at it.  I love how the bark is so many different colors.

Design!

Just A Little Ditty, and Other Stuff

I've written a song.  Here it goes.  (clears throat) mimimimimi!  Okay, I'm ready.  Please sing to the tune of "The Song That Never Ends"

The two week wait, it never ends
"Six days 'til test," says FertilityFriend
We had an IUI last week, our third and final one
The turkey's basted, oven's prepped, just waiting for our bun
The two week wait, in never ends... (repeat ad nauseum)

There are weird things happening to my chart.  Yesterday I was pretty psyched because I thought it might be an implantation dip.  Today, it looks more like the fat lady is warming up to sing on this one.  That would give me a crappy LP and I've never had a crappy LP.  I marked this as ovulating on IUI day because my temp gets all wonky after the HCG shot, but even if I ovulated early, still a crappy LP for me.

Not giving up hope, but trying to be realistic.  If it pops back up tomorrow, I will pee myself.

BUT I did get good news.  My AMH posted today and it was 5.8 ng/ML!!!!  YAY!  So there are plenty of egglets, my body is just being a bitch about giving them up for some reason.

Now, on to photo challenge shots!  I'm behind!

First we have "Heal"  This is a picture of my otoscope.  Not very artsy, but it works!

The next day was "Soft."  This is a photo of some weedy things near my house that billow in the wind. While it looks soft, it isn't.  It's awfully scratchy.  And I'm pretty sure snakes live in it.

 

Yesterday's assignment was love.  Before our wedding, we used to like to sneak upstairs to the place where we kept all the wedding stuff and try our rings on.  I liked catching J when he was doing it.  I don't know if it's the symbolism, or the finality of it, but I just LOVE seeing that ring on his finger.  That and I think he has nice hands. :)

And today's assignment is "living."  Spring has sprung here in the south!  We're watching winter give up and life hopping back.

Epic Friggin' Dream

Have you ever had one of those dreams that just refused to quit?  One of those "Lord of the Rings" kind of dreams that just goes on and on?  I had one of those last night and it was a humdinger.  Here's what went down in my messed up psyche during the night last night.

I had this baby apparently.  It was a boy baby with a lot of hair and it was sleeping.  I was getting into my car with the baby and I had a carrier doohickey, but I didn't have the base it clicks into.  The carrier doohickey was held together with duct tape and the baby was in a messy blue onesie.  Also, I may or may not have been wearing corduroy overalls.  I decided to put the baby in the front seat so I could hold on to the doohickey, but when I went to put click the seat belt in, it was broken.  So I wrapped and tied the seat belt around the doohickey and held on to it while I drove home.  It was snowing, by the way.  It doesn't snow here but once in a blue moon.  Anyway, I got to where my house should be (although it wasn't my real life neighborhood) and all of the houses were being rebuilt.  My house was completely gone.

Woke up.  Had to pee.

When I got back to sleep, the damned dream kept going.  Now I was in my mom's house, only it wasn't my mom's real life house.  This was some dingy one room apartment and there was a random person there who was supposed to be my sister.  The baby was still asleep and still in the duct taped doohickey.  I was telling my mom about how I needed pants for the baby (poor, dirty, hairy, pants-less baby, with a 90s overall sporting mother).  She told me she had another onesie, and put the baby in a red and blue equally dirty onesie.  I kept telling her I needed pants and she said she would help me with whatever I needed, but for some reason I didn't think she meant it. 

Woke up.  Heartburn.  Shouldn't have had Mexican for dinner.

Fell asleep again and guess what?  Still in the duct taped doohickey.  Still sleeping.  Champion sleeper this child of my subconscious.  Anywho.  At this point in the trilogy, I was in the car in a Target parking lot.  I had a bag with baby pants in it (yay!) but I realized I forgot to get the base for the car seat.  So I left the baby in the car (?) and went into Target.  Some of my coworkers were having a meeting in Target that apparently I was supposed to be at.  I sneaked past them and kept thinking "I have to hurry!  I left the baby in the car!"  But Dream Target is more like Pier One and there apparently aren't any baby things in Dream Target... just meetings.  So my boss came up behind me and asked what was wrong.  I burst into tears and yelled, "I left the baby in the car!"  She hugged me and said, "It will all be okay.  I'll help you.  I promise."

Then I woke up.

Of COURSE I went to one of those online dream dictionary things, and from what I can figure out, the following things need my attention:

• I want a baby
• I don't feel I'm measuring up when it comes to my goals and I need to be extra cautious when pursuing them
• I'm trying to find a solution to my problems and taking an active roll in how my life is going, but I no longer feel in control of my life or my emotions
• I'm hiding vulnerabilities
• I'm worried about the future
• I'm feeling uprooted, not grounded
• I'm feeling anxious and unworthy when it comes to sex
• I'm generally feeling sad, worried, and helpless

 No duh!

I love hearing about weird dreams!  Anyone have a spectacular dream they want to share?

I Almost Stole A Baby

I met a new little dude yesterday.  He was a doe-eyed African American little munchkin who toddled right up to me with his arms up in the air.  I picked him up and his plopped his head right on my shoulder.  I instinctively started patting his back and swaying back and forth while I talked to his mom.  He promptly fell asleep.  I warned her that her son was behaving dangerously since I was half tempted to run to my car with him and take him home Brittney Spears style, sans car seat.

One of my biggest fears when contemplating adoption is the one I think most women have, but don't always talk about.  I worry that I won't be able to love an adopted child as I would a child that J and I created.  But in that moment, with little dude drooling on my shoulder, it felt less scary.

Photo Challenge Catch Up

There is so much going on in the blog world right now and of course I have brilliant insight (HA!), but taking photos is way more fun for me right now. I'll get back to talking about my empty uterus another day.  Just bare with me!

Commute:

This is an overpass on our way to work (I carpool with J).  I don't know how it's been kept up but for YEARS kids have gone up there and moved cups around to spell out messages.  Usually it's a profession of love or a prom date proposal.  It's always surprisingly PG.  Today, in the aftermath of a UNC/Duke game, it spelled out UNC in front of a lovely Carolina Blue sky.

Challenge:


Scout challenges anyone who dares ring our doorbell.  Seriously.  She turns into psycho dog.

Purple:

The beautiful orchids I got for Valentine's Day.  They're still alive!  Hooray!

I can't tell you how awesome this photo challenge is during this 2WW.  I'm so thankful to Belle and her creativeness!

Photo Challenge: Illuminate

It's been a long weekend and I'm extra tired.  All I can do right now is watch zombies on TV.  Here's today's photo prompt... Illuminate.

Domesticated

I really struggled with today's photo assignment.  I'm not a very "domestic" person and sometimes I feel like I should be better at that.  I mean, if I can't make my husband a baby, shouldn't I at least make him a pie?

Me:  So, my photo assignment today is 'domestic.'  Got any ideas for me?
J: Yeah.  Take a picture of you making me a damn pie, woman!
Me: Ummmm no.
J: Why not!?  Your readers will think it's funny and I get a pie.  Everyone wins.

He obviously wasn't very helpful.  So I thought I'd hit up my mom.

Mom:  You could find a maid to take a photo of.
Me: Really mom?
Mom: (laughs).  What about Scout?  She's domesticated.
Me:  I took a picture of her foot for yesterday's picture.  I have to go to the grocery store.  I was thinking I could do something there.  Like a row of soup cans or something.
Mom:  Oh, that's a good idea.
Me: I'd have to take it on my phone, though.  I don't want to whip out my good camera in Target.
Mom: Why not?  Who cares what other people think.  Bring the good one!  Take a good photo!
Me:  Look who's talking!
Mom:  What's that supposed to mean?
Me: You wouldn't even take your phone out to take a picture you'd be so worried about what other people were thinking!
Mom: (laughing) You really shouldn't talk to your mother that way!

So today's assignment became less about the photo and more about not worrying about what others thought about me whipping out an SLR in Target.

The Comment Issue

I searched google high and low and I think I came up with a solution for the commenting issue people are having.  Now when you leave me a comment, you'll do it from a pop-up screen.  The thing that sucks is that I can't comment inline anymore. :(  Apparently it has something to do with third party cookie settings and instead of learning what that's all about and then lecturing my readers on security settings, I thought I'd try this work around.  Let me know if it works better. 

Stupid blogger.

I'm off to go be domestic and take a picture of it.

Me, Feet, and My Ute

How do these things all go together, you may ask?

Well, the first two are related to my participation in Belle's March Photo Challenge.  I'm really excited about this.  I used to to photography all the time and I got kind of burnt out on it.  It's one of those hobbies you shouldn't tell people about because the next thing you know, you're taking pictures of every random event under the sun for people... for no monies.  So yesterday was a self-portrait.  Since I'm anonymous, all you get is my eye.

 Today's assignment was feet.  I HATE feet.  I don't like to look at them, I don't like to touch them, I don't want them on me.  Eww.  They give me the heebie jeebies in ways I can't describe.  So I decided that I would take a photo using the one set of feet I can stand... my dog's!  When she was a puppy, she had one pink pad on this foot.  It was so cute.  You can still see a little bit of pink on it, but it's pretty much black at this point.

This is so fun!  Thanks, Belle, for putting this together!

IUI was this morning.  Everything went fine.  MUCH better than last time.  After J did his thing we went and had a nice breakfast together.  He was in such a good mood and it was contagious.  We had a great time in spite of our circumstances.  Dr. Ultrasound did the deed this time and he offered to let J "pull the trigger" on the syringe.  He declined, but I thought it was really sweet.  I don't know if we've been around the clinic so much now that the staff feels familiar with us or if they're starting some new initiative, but everyone kept wishing us luck.  It felt good.  I liked it.  I'm bringing hope back. :)