Take THAT Catholicism

For Christmas Mass, we ended up at the Super Conservative Church that my mom promised we'd never have to go back to.  My mother said that it was either that or the church with all the babies, and she'd made the executive decision that there were too many babies all Christmased-up at the other church for any of us to feel comfortable.  So off to the church of closed mindedness we go.

During the petitions, the following prayer was made, "For the protection of the sanctity of life, from natural conception to natural death."  I reached over and linked pinkies with J.  Just a little movement. I don't know if the words "natural conception" were enough to startle my mom too or if she saw my little finger move, but she leaned over and said the best thing ever...

"Even Mary didn't conceive naturally."

I may have laughed in church.

Fortnight of Fun

I'm back from a much needed respite and visit with my mom.  I had some real BBQ (not the vinegar soaked crap they try to pass off here), wonderful conversations, a baseball game, and lots of wine.  My heart is full.  It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, though.

As I've mentioned before, I'm a Cradle Catholic.  I spent 13 years in Catholic school, including University.  I was a catechist for kids preparing for confirmation.  I served on the liturgical committee at my church and I've been a cantor for the better part of 25 years (Jeezle Pete I'm old).  My faith has always been a central part of my life, but it's hard to be a Catholic and a scientist.  Let's face it, Catholics have a pretty shitty track record when it comes to recognizing science as... well... a thing.

When we were faced with fertility treatments, I had a hard time reconciling religion and faith.  I read the Church's doctrine on treatment and I was astounded, horrified even, by the misconceptions and inaccuracies that brought the leaders of my church to condemn the choices I was making to treat a medical condition.  You can read my original posts on the subject here, here, and here.  Since then, I have learned to recognize that the laws of the Catholic church were written by men, not God, that humans are fallible, and we have the free will to make our own choices and decisions.  I was feeling pretty good with that.  I haven't been going to mass much, but mostly it's been because of the babies that are all over the place.  I go to a Franciscan parish, so we're a bit more liberal than your typical diocesan church.

Fast forward to this past Sunday when I was with my mom.  She wanted me to go to her new church with her.  It was just built near her house and she was talking about how beautiful it was.  Now, I went to this church when mass was in a warehouse while the new building was being built and I wasn't thrilled with it.  It's really conservative.  Many women wear chapel veils there and it was the first time I'd EVER seen a woman wearing one in the US.  I figured it wouldn't kill me.  I did make it out alive, but that's about all I can say about it!

When we walked in, the whole congregation was kneeling and chanting.  It was a prayer I had never heard before.  I asked my mom what it was and she said it was a pro-life prayer, from when she was a little girl.  I looked at the really young people who knew and were reciting this and thought, "Oh Lord, here we go."  We saddled into our pew and were joined shortly by the youngest sibling of a girl I went to grade school with.  She's one of 9.  My former classmate is already up to 5 of her own.  So now I'm trapped in a pew between St. Mom and captain fertility, in the most conservative Catholic church I've ever set foot in, during the "Fortnight for Religious Freedom" crap (sorry - it's crap.  Maybe our Bishops forgot what real religious persecution is), while I'm on BCPs before my second IVF cycle.  See where this is going?

The homily was about the insurance mandate, but this dude went even further.  In the same breath as talking about how the government's mandate on paying for birth control violated the Church's religious rights, he went on to describe how the Church's doctrine should be governing.  Like, really governing.  He actually said something alluding to things being all fine and dandy when the Catholic church was in political power back in the day.  Ummm, k.  Then he called on his parishioners to vote for politicians who would oppose gay marriage (he went into detail on that one), cloning, and stem cell research.  He said that, "stem cell research hasn't produced any cures" so we should be abandoning it anyway.  I wanted to jump up and yell, "Treatments, asswipe!  Loads of treatments!  You can't wipe a whole research platform off the map like that."  He did not mention IVF directly, but stem cell research and cloning are two of the reasons that the church's doctrine gives for condemning IVF.  Swear.  Cloning.  I was waiting for him to mention ART specifically, but his "protecting life from the moment of conception until death" diatribe said it all.  So there I sat, feeling like a leper in the one place that I should feel the most loved and supported. 

I managed to keep the tears to a manageable 2 streamers.

One of my mom's biggest fears in all of this is that I will turn my back on my faith.  Being the avoider she is, when we got in the car she kept talking about the music and the stained glass.  I just said, "Can we go to your old church when I come to visit please?"  She gave a cheery, "Okay.  The homily was a bit much."  I answered, "A bit?"  She said, "Okay, a lot.  Let's go get some lunch."

I'm still so lost when it comes to religion and faith.  Just when I think I've got it figured out, I plop my butt in a pew and it all goes out the window.  A beautiful stained glass window at that.

St. Joseph's Day

Photo credit: Catholic.org

When I was a kid, the Irish has March 17th, and the Italians had March 19th.  Even in school, we had "no uniforms" day for both days.  We could wear green on the 17th and red on the 19th.  I grew up in a city that had a large Italian-American community and it was awesome.

On March 19th, Sicilians celebrate the feast of St. Joseph.  We thank him for his intercession during a famine in Sicily in the middle ages.  In most places around the world, there is a traditional meal and celebrations that go on, but where I grew up, we celebrated a little bit differently, and I still like to celebrate it here in NC.  People I know actually look forward to it now.

Back home, we would get loaves of St. Joseph's Bread and have them blessed by our parish priest.  Now, not only can I not get the bread here, I'm afraid my parish priest would think I was nuts since no one around here celebrates the holiday at all, much less the way I do it.  So I make my own bread.  There is a traditional St. Joseph's Bread, but back home we had small round loaves with a cross on the top, so that's what I make.  We would take these loaves and share them with friends and neighbors, along with dipping oil and spices.  Now I bring a couple of loaves to work and make a nice dinner.  I'm especially excited this year because I get to use the awesome oil plates and carafe my uncle gave us as a wedding gift.

This year St. Joseph's day has special meaning.  He's the patron saint of families.  Now, many people think Catholics worship saints, but that isn't the truth.  We pray WITH them and ask for their intercession.  Kind of a "since you have God's ear right there and all..." thought process.  The Pope chooses what a saint will be a "patron" of based on things that occurred in that saint's earthly life.  My mom prays for the intercession of St. Joseph in our family building.  I pray with St. Anne, the mother of Mary.  Apparently she struggled with infertility and got Mary out of the deal.  I picked her because most people don't chose her for infertility so I figure she isn't too busy. :)  But on the feast of St. Joseph, I will be saying some extra prayers for our family building efforts.  Can't hurt, right?

Dear Fertiles

Dear Fertiles,

Why do you insist on bringing your whole brood grocery shopping?  Wouldn't it be easier if one of you stayed home with the children while the other one shopped?  It's not like one of you is keeping an eye on the children while you are both in the store.  While your rugrats are running down the aisle, pulling things off shelves, and tripping little old ladies, you two are too busy arguing over which brand of pasta to get.  One of you needs to stay home next time or else I'm taking out a kid with my cart.

Sometimes my husband and I like to go to a nice restaurant in hopes of avoiding babies on our date nights.  These are the kind of restaurants that don't even have high chairs and booster seats.  If you are going to fork out the cash to go to one of these establishments, you should probably fork out a few for a sitter too.  If you can't afford a sitter, there's a great pizza place down the road that is happy to cater to fertiles.  It really is a waste of your date night to have one person walk around the restaurant with your 10 month old while the other one eats, and then switch off every 5 minutes.  Wouldn't you like to actually sit at the same table together?  The rest of us don't enjoy watching your constant pacing and I'm sure the chef did not intend for his fabulous meal to share a table with a jar of "Mixed Vegetables and Beef."  If he did, he would probably make high chairs available for you.

Finally, when I am at church, please don't insinuate that your child pulling my hair is a great form of birth control.  I have birth control down pat.  No one thinks that your three year old's diatribe on Fr. Bill's chasuble color is cute except for you.  I'd rather listen to Fr. Bill and so would all the other people glaring at you.  Take hint. And by the way, it's your job to tell her why it's green.

I'm a but crabby today, can you tell?

Ponderings...

While we were at church Saturday night (We've been going to that mass - less babies and less baptisms), the homily got me thinking.  The Gospel was about the Annunciation.  When the angel Gabriel came to Mary and told her she was in a family way with... you know... God.  No pressure.  So he started the homily talking about whether most of us, in Mary's position, would have been able to say "yes."  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have.  If God had come to me and said, "So Lisa, the deal is you're going to be infertile.  Cool?"  I would have said, "Ummm, what's behind door number 2?"  Of course this goes back to the whole "God has a plan for you" thing and I'm still struggling with that. Do I wish I could say yes to whatever God asks of me, yes I do.  I guess I'm just not strong enough.  But the whole Mary discussion is really what got me thinking...

One of the things that is so frustrating about infertility is how everyone has an opinion that they feel the need to share.  That advice often ignores the fact that this is a medical issue.  "You need to relax." "If it's meant to be it will be."  "Maybe you are supposed to adopt." "Maybe you aren't supposed to have a baby."  There's this theme that your ability to procreate is completely in the hands of a higher power.  No one feels that way about cancer or diabetes or the flu.  You see a friggin doctor and you handle it!  No one thinks God made you diabetic because you aren't worthy of sugar eating.  But for some reason, people still seem to think that not being able to have a baby is a sign from God and plenty of people frown on infertility treatment.

A woman's reproductive system is this huge thing that society just can't separate from religion.  Maybe it's not so random.  Think about all the women in the bible who became pregnant because God made it that way... Sarah, Rachel, Rebekah, Hannah, Ann, Elizabeth, Mary... I'm sure there are plenty more.  Are these teachings where all of this nastiness stems from?  Does the story of Mary and Jesus - a story well known even if not believed by all religions - lead society to believe that God controls when and how women get pregnant?  I just don't understand it, and I'm the kind of person who needs to understand where people are coming from on things.  I guess I'm just feeling particularly antsy since I'm about to go spend the holidays with my super conservative midwestern family and I'm nervous about some aunt bringing up my empty womb status.

On a happy note - no period yet!  I've been spotting for four days, so I'm know she's coming, but as long as she holds off for another few hours, we have a snowball's chance of actually having an IUI this cycle.  As long as the cyst's gone that is.  And as long as my clinic is open on the days we need them to be open.  And as long as... one hurdle at a time!

Interracial Marriage

On June 19th, we celebrate "Loving Day."  It's in celebration of the 1967 supreme court decision that made it illegal for states to ban interracial marriages.  It's hard for me to believe that just over 40 years ago, my darling husband and I would not have been able to be married in either of our home states.  But thankfully, that was 1967.  NINETEEN SIXTY SEVEN.

Today, a friend of mine who is married to a multiracial gentleman posted an article on Facebook about a church in KY that banned mixed race couples.

Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me.????

When I consider that there was once a day where I couldn't marry Mr. Right I think it's just nutty.  Really - it seems so weird to me.  Especially since 90% of the time I forget that he's Asian.  When people ask, "Where's your husband from?" and I answer, "Chicago originally," he has to remind me that that's not what they are asking.  I just forget because it's so not a big deal.  I hope my friends in the LGBT community will be able to feel the same way about their marriages.  That it was silly that people judged their relationships and tried to take them out of being.  But I guess I was just super naive to think that interracial relationships were well accepted now.

It appears that a few people in the church found the mere sight of this couple to be atrocious.  It all started when a seemingly lovely, well educated engaged couple led the congregation in song.  The pastor approached the woman's father and told him they were no longer welcome to sing at the church.  When the gentleman protested, it was put to a vote and the vote actually freaking passed.  The vote decided that they could worship at the church, but they couldn't be involved in services (you know, when people have to look at them) or be official members. Oh wait - they can be involved in funerals.  The church says it's in an effort to promote "greater unity."  WTF?

Now, I realize that a white/Asian marriage is probably more socially friendly than a white/black marriage.  But back in the day, the limits on interracial marriage we just that - interracial.  Not black, yellow, red, white, purple - just two people of different races could not marry.  In this day and age we do get funny looks sometimes in public, but I just chalk it up to us being short.  Face it, we shorties look kinda weird.  Especially in pairs.  I recognize the look of shock of the faces of the families I work with when they see our wedding photo on my desk for the first time, but they get over it quickly and that's that.  It's just a surprise is all.  They probably had him pictured in their heads and he was a white guy.  But day in and day out, we do not face any discrimination so to speak.  I have never really felt judged.  I think that the weird comments people make about it are kind of funny because they are so bizarre and ignorant that you just have to laugh. ("You'll have Jon and Kate kids!" "Can your mother-in-law pronounce your name?")  So I can't really imagine what it feels like to be this couple.  To be sharing your gift of song with a Christian worship community and then to be told you aren't welcome because they see something morally wrong with your relationship.  And the only thing they are seeing is the color of your skin.

I'm proud to be in an interracial marriage.  I'm proud to share two cultures and I'm excited about making our own merge of traditions to share with our child(ren).  We get to share our cultures with our extended families.  Both of our families learned so much in the wedding planning process - it was great!  Most of all, we plan on having a gorgeous hapa baby whose mere existence screams, "These people made me because they love each other."

Screw you random baptist church in Kentucky.  You don't know what you're missing out on by shunning this couple.

Okay, gotta run.  They are talking about freezing eggs on Whitney.

So this sucks

Cycle canceled.  I have a 3 cm cyst on my right ovary.  I'm so frustrated and sad and angry right now.  I felt like I was finally taking some control back.  I was finally doing something, but no.  Body thwarts it all again.  And it totally cried in the REs office.  I'm sure it happens all the time, but I feel like a moron.  It wasn't an ugly cry.  Just teariness.

Mr. Right and I had a great talk last night about how we're in this together.  We're a team - and most of the time we're really good at that.  I was feeling so lovey dovey and ready to get started.  Now I just want to scream.

What sucks even more is that "try again next month" is probably not going to happen.  If my next period starts on time, I'll be at my mother's in the midwest when I need to be monitored for my trigger shot.  They won't let me start if that happens.  So now we're looking at January, dammit.

And speaking of my mother, she's coming here tonight.  We're doing our Thanksgiving early.  She was so excited about being here when we started meds (weird) that I wanted to call and make sure she knew what was up.  I told her how I felt about not having any control and she said "That's just it Lisa, you don't have control.  You have to lay this at the feet of the Lord."  W... T... F...

Now, typically I appreciate what my mom has to say and usually I can find some comfort in the religious stuff, but what the hell is THAT supposed to mean?  If I'm just a pawn in God's great game and he has some sort of plan, why am I even bothering going through treatment?  I mean, won't everything just work the way it's meant to?  Or why even bother exercising free will if it's all in His hands anyway? And if I've "given it all up to God" and I'm STILL not pregnant, does that mean it's not part of His plan?  I'm not meant to create life with my husband like everyone else does?  I refuse to believe that.  So I have no idea what laying it at any supreme being's feet is supposed to do right now, but that shit sure didn't help.

Ugh.  I'm gunna go clean my house.

The Mamma Person - Meaning My Mamma Person

I love my mom. I know I am a super lucky person in that respect, but my dad is a D-Bag to end all D-Bags.  I deserve an awesome mom.   So there.
One thing that I think is so important in the relationship between my mom and me is that I've learned that when I'm going through something, it is about her too. As much as I don't want to admit it, it is. When I got married, she was watching her daughter move to a totally different phase in her life, with some random dude, 1000 miles away. No easy feat. When I'm going through infertility treatment, she's watching me grieve, wondering if those cigarettes she smoked or those couple of glasses of wine she had when she was pregnant caused my infertility. She's also wondering if she'll get a grandkid out of us and I'm sure that has it's own emotional turmoil, just like our worries that we'll never have a child are... no fun to put it mildly.

I finally talked to her about my church issues. I know she was suspecting something because she kept asking if I was liking my new parish. I obviously only had lame things to say about it since I've been, like, twice in the last three months or so. So I finally fessed up, and told her that one of the reasons I'd stopped going (aside from the bawling in public factor) was because I'd read the directives from the USCCB.  She said some amazing things.  Among the best - a favorite new mom quote.  "It's not like they were handed down from Jesus Christ himself.  They were written by a bunch of old guys who don't even have sex.  At least they aren't supposed to."  Good point mom.  She reminded me that I used BCP knowing it was against my religion to do so and that I don't go to confession because I don't believe in it in the way the sacrament is presented.  She mentioned my rather liberal views on the LGBT community, the pro-life movement, and other things I tend to question from the church (Side note - if you read church teaching, the support of the LGBT community and "right to life" teachings regarding those already born are a truly beautiful part of Catholic social teaching - just not always followed as they are intended.  This is not meant to be a Catholic bash.).  My mom's argument was that I'm already a cafeteria Catholic, so why stop now!

I asked her how she felt when she was going through her divorce.  My father was abusive and they were married for 25 years.  They NEEDED to get divorced and would actually qualify for an annulment if my father would stop trying to block it by stating that he believes in the sanctity of marriage (his 20 years of cheating and 2 more divorces since would beg to differ, but that's another blog for another time).  My point in asking her was that when I'm in church, praying my knees off for a baby, I feel extra alone because I can't reach out to my faith community for support with the choices I'm making.  Didn't she feel the same way when she was going through her divorce?  She teared up and admitted that my brother once had to carry her out of mass because she was crying so hard.  But then she said something really important.

"You have to remember to separate your faith from your religion.  You need your faith right now.  It's what will hold you up.  Your religion is a separate matter.  You will find people in your faith community you can rely on, but it's not about religion.  It's about faith.  And right now I feel like that's the biggest gift I can give you in this."

And then she added, "Besides, the church sucks at science.  Look what they said about Columbus.  And they excommunicated that astronomy guy!"

Love my mom.

She reminded me that the biggest test is to ask myself if I'm being immoral.  Obviously, I don't feel that I am.  God gave us free will, brains, and science.  This is a medical issue for me, not a religious conundrum.

So I went to church last weekend.  And I got a little teary.  And Mr. Right came with.  And there was a little comfort in that.  It's a work in progress.

Music Mondays

I am a vocalist and find a lot of peace in music.  Since I have rehearsals on Mondays, I thought it would be nice for y'all to share in the peace I have when I'm immersed in music on Monday nights.  The piece below is one that always makes me feel calm and... enveloped for lack of a better word.  If the religious imagery bothers you, just close your eyes and listen (frankly I find it distracting, but it's YouTube - what can you do?).  I adore this arrangement and no one sings it like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  I promise it will make you feel lovely.

Back to the religion thing

I'm slowly processing this whole religion struggle I'm having.  Don't get me wrong, I'm for sure one of those "Cafeteria Catholics."  I know it's not a good thing to be and not something I should be proud of.  I have found a church "philosophy" that I love in Fraciscan parishes.  It is a warm, open minded, progressive, accepting environment.  Trouble is, I recently switched churches and don't know others in the congregation well at this point.  I'm thinking of confiding in someone at my old church to see what their thoughts are on the subject.  Or track down the woman I saw from my church in the RE's office, but something tells me she didn't want to be contacted.

Mr. Right reminded me that when we went to our Pre-Cana class I was outraged on what we learned in the NFP portion of the course.  I was excited to learn about it.  I wanted to know why the church doesn't allow for birth control and what made NFP more acceptable than a barrier method.  The instructors flat out told the class that they "Weren't going to get into that."  WHAT?  You want us to learn and embrace this method of planning our family and aren't going to tell use WHY we should chose this?  We just should because you said so?  And when they told us that birth control pills cause breast cancer and that by taking the pill you are causing an average of 8 abortions a year, I about flipped my lid.  I think, I HOPE, that the young couple they chose to teach this portion of the course was just uninformed, but shame on them for being so horrifically uninformed and shame on the parish for allowing those untruths to be taught.  Anyway, he told me this to remind me that for some reason, the church is off on the reproduction thing in general.  The best thing we can do is pray and follow our hearts.  For now, that's what we're going to do... and maybe get in touch with someone at my old church just so I can get an intelligent point of view on the subject.

The Religion Equation

Read up on this:

http://www.usccb.org/upload/lifegiving-love-age-technology-2009.pdf

I always thought that the church's feelings on reproductive technologies were that IVF is wrong because of the extra embryo factor (which is a problem most people with infertility don't contend with) and because a doctor is creating life and not God (something which I don't believe to be true any more than I believe that I make deaf kids hear without any intercession on God's part).  So when we started this journey, I wasn't really worried about it because I thought that if we needed to go the IVF route, it wasn't immoral in my mind.  We'd been doing NFP, after all.  That was what we were supposed to do.

We are planning an IUI cycle soon.  Apparently, even this is immoral.  The above document is riddled with inaccuracies, untruths, and exaggerations (they actually talk about cloning, for the love).  Based on those factors, my faith, my CULTURE, is telling me that my husband and I do not have a union that is to be blessed by "God's ultimate gift."  It is our job to suck it up and carry our cross.  We can adopt, but medicated cycles is about all we can do to conceive since surgery isn't expected to help in our situation. 

I can't even put everything I'm feeling into words right now.  I can't even really form a coherent thought on the subject.  I just know that I'm overwhelmed enough to sleep in tomorrow.  My butt will not be in a pew.  I started spotting today and my temp dropped.  I don't think I can handle another round of kneeling and begging to be included in the "ultimate gift" club while knowing what is going on in my body.  I can't sit there knowing that the community I am sitting with, the community that has been a central part of my entire life, teaches that God has not afforded me this gift and the only thing I can do about it is pray and pass the Clomid.

I know that my calling is to be a parent and I feel that Mr. Right and I are meant to carry a child.  I don't know how to reconcile this.  I just feel really really lost right now.

They've Found Us!



Maybe the one on the right contains a Korean fertility secret!

I was cleaning the bathroom like a good little wife when I heard the doorbell ring.  Mr. Right answered it and I figured he was at the door for awhile because the dog was going buck wild.  He comes upstairs and looks bewildered.  He is carrying religious tracts... in Korean.  Apparently, there was an evangelist type at the door from the local Korean church.  Now, we don't live in a huge Korean community or anything, so the fact that this man turned up at our door with religious tracts IN KOREAN freaks me out a bit. I mean, is he hitting up all the households with Korean last names?  Did my in-laws send him?

*Sigh* We have no idea what this says.

Apparently he was very kind (I've yet to meet a Korean who isn't) and Mr. Right had a nice conversation with him... in Korean.  What was curious was that he saw Mr. Right's ring and said "Oh, I see that you're married.  On page blah blah blah is some great advice on child rearing."  I think that was the part where hubby should have said "My wife is a white, barren, Catholic heathen" but apparently he didn't think of that.

Oh, and Mr. Right does not read Korean.  He told the gentleman that, but he still left us with the tracts.

The White Girl

When Mr. Right and I started dating, his mom was less than keen on the possibility of him settling down with a white chick.  In fact, she dubbed me "The White Girl."

Traditional Asian parents tend to like the idea of their kids ending up with other Asians.  This really bothered me at first.  I saw it as a small minded, biggoted thought, but it's really not.  It goes back to the whole legacy thing I was talking about the other day.  When I got to know MIL Right better, she grew to like me (I mean come one, what's not to like), but then the problem wasn't that I was white - it was that I was Catholic.  I couldn't win!  Over time, our relationship helped me figure it out.

It wasn't the color of my skin or shape of my eyes, it was the culture I practiced.  She needed to know that her culture would be passed down to her grandchildren and that my Catholic self wasn't going to deny her that legacy.  I would never dream of keeping that from my children and ever since she learned that, we've gotten along swimmingly.

That brings us to the infertility issue.  She doesn't know.  My mom knows every excruciating detail,  but when MIL Right says "Why you no have baby?!"  All we say is, "We'll let you know when it happens.  Promise."  Mostly it's because of the language gap.  I mean, it's not like reproductive terminology is part of Mr. Right's Korean vocabulary.  He says that her knowing would be more stressful because she would worry a lot since she wouldn't totally understand what's going on.  I understand and respect that.  The thing is, I wonder how it looks culturally that we aren't popping out grandkids.  Could the White Girl end up bringing some shame to the family?  I worry about that.