Because It Still Won't Be Over

There's a baby coming, which still blows my mind and it so beyond awesome I just can't handle it.  I'm still infertile.  My lady parts still need attention and I have to think about what I'm going to do about all that after our little Hapa Chippy arrives.

Now that I have an actual endo diagnosis, I intend to treat that bitch and not be in pain.  I'm breaking up with narcotics and I'm going to have a damn sex life again.  I am not going to be in pain or afraid of sex.  I'm not.  It's just not an option.  The problem is that treatment means that I won't be ovulating... which means there would be no hope of a surprise pregnancy.

Yes my friends, denial is still alive and well in my head.

We had crap fertilization with traditional IVF, top grade embryos have been known to be less than pleased about the prospect of implanting in my ute, and three months of menopause seems to be necessary to get me knocked up.  Yet, here's that little voice in my head still nagging, "but what if?"  I really do feel like I've come to terms with things.  I'm really okay with having an only child.  I'm really okay with my diagnosis.  I really am happy with my life.  So, WTF?  It all seems so silly.  We do have an embie on ice, but our RE didn't really have a lot of hope for it.  It isn't even from our successful cycle, it's the only extra from the FET and it almost didn't pass the freeze standards.  Our plan is to quietly do a transfer one day and just get closure.  So why on earth is that little voice upset that I have to not ovulate in order to avoid pain and enjoy sex?  I'm okay with not having another baby.  Right?

Then there's the prospect of where to go.  The world is not burgeoning with endo experts.  I haven't even talked with my OB about it, because as much as I like my practice, I sure don't see them as endo experts.  Mine does not seem to be a typical case and I'd really like to see someone who knows what they are doing, can look at MY case, and tell me what the best plan of action would be.  I don't want to just be handed a pack of BCPs and shoved out the door.  It was over 10 years ago that someone told me I probably had endo and not a single doc told me that I should take the active pills consecutively and not have a period until I ended up at an RE's office.  Not one.  I honestly think they didn't know.

My husband keeps reminding me that we still have that pesky cervical dysplasia thing to deal with too.  I keep forgetting about it.   Really, I do.  It seems so common that I think more run-of-the-mill gynes are able to deal with that than they are able to deal with endo.  Besides, I plan to ask my OB to stick a loofa on the Chipmunk's head once she gets to about 0 station so she can scrub that nasty shit off.  That'll totally work, right?

I really just wish I could hug my baby and ignore my ute for the rest of my life.  I've had enough of her drama.

Out From Under A Cloud

Some of the most recent comments on my blog encouraged me to share my joy... so I will!

Last week, I was able to get together with Laura, todayiboughtwaterproofmascara, and our favorite cheerleader and supporter, Monika.  We got to meet Laura's sweet little one and celebrate "today" and me landing safely into the last stretches of our pregnancies.  It was so awesome.  We laughed, ate, and passed the baby.  It was so wonderful to just be full of joy.  There was no pressure to act like "typical" new moms or moms to be.  No one was talking about whether or not to breastfeed, or stay at home, or sleep train, or whatever.  We've all learned the hard way that judging others' family related choices is nothing but hurtful.  Instead we shared our excitement, relief, and remaining anxieties.

I was talking with Laura about how I'm slowly rediscovering the person I was before infertility changed my life.  It's not that I'm leaving behind the lessons I've learned.  Not at all.  It's just that I hadn't realized how sad I had become and how that sadness permeated absolutely everything in my world.  My mom has commented on how she forgot I was funny and she thinks I'd forgotten too.  I find myself spending more time sitting on the floor with my patients and chatting with their parents.  I had gotten so uncomfortable being around young children and I hadn't really realized it.  I've crept back onto Facebook and don't find myself as annoyed by fertile ramblings as I was.  Still annoyed, mind you, just not as much as I was when in the thick of things.

Watching J has been the biggest joy ever.  The way he grins like a complete goof at every milestone, kick, and wiggle.  I can't say it makes up for the pain I saw in his eyes every time the stick was negative, but it is so amazing to watch him fill up with happiness.

The one thing I'm still struggling with is holding other people's babies.  I don't know what it is.  It almost feels like I have all of this pent up love and I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I pick up a little one.  All the crazy might leak out or something.  So I didn't hold Laura's little one.  I guess I'm just saving up the crazy to let it rip on my own kid.

36 weeks and I'm at 1 cm.  The Chipmunk is going to make her appearance before we know it!

33 Weeks

Really.  I'm 33 weeks pregnant, and by all accounts there is a healthy little Chipmunk in there.  We are so incredibly lucky.  Pregnancy is by no means sunshine and rainbows.  Sleep is elusive due to the most insane heartburn I ever thought could happen.  My hips hurt so badly sometimes that I can't even walk.  My asthma has flared and my cervical issues have evolved into actual dysplasia.  But you know what?  None of it matters.  None of it is worth even thinking about in light of how lucky we are to have this little one doing so well.  She can do whatever she wants to my body as long as she stays healthy and cooking.

And that's why I haven't posted.  I feel like pretty much anything I write smacks of insensitivity.  So many of the women who have been so supportive of me are dealing with some real shit.  I don't want to waste your time with bump-dates when you should be reading them and sending good thoughts and support to them.  So please go do that if you haven't already.