Just Frickin Sad

It's been a shitty couple of days.  Today just made it worse.


One of my families brought their 1 year old hapa baby in today.  I hadn't met her yet.  This mom and I talk a lot about being married to Asian men and I really like her.  I was psyched to meet her little one, but man it hit me hard.  She was so freakin' adorable.  Smiley and happy.  She actually had blond hair and blue eyes!  I had to get my shit together in the bathroom.  I did not cry.  I was proud of myself for that.

Ultrasound was this morning.  I have one lonely follicle to work with this month.  If I couldn't get pregnant with five, I doubt I'll get pregnant with one.  I can ovulate one without the shots, thank you very much.

With this whole FSH crap, I kept holding on to the fact that I respond well to stims.  Scratch that!  My body totally changed it's mind!  I had an AMH drawn today and the RE wants to move on to "something more aggressive" if this month doesn't work.  Let's face it - it ain't gunna work.  I'm assuming "something more aggressive" means IVF because I don't want to screw around with a totally injectable cycle.  I'm already on Menopur and Femara.  Triggering tonight.  IUI is scheduled for Friday.


Thanks for all of your positive thoughts on the FSH front.  It was good to hear success stories.  Right now I'm just wallowing in self pity.  I'm sure I'll get out of it.  I was just holding on to a lot of hope and I feel like it's been taken down a notch or two.  So I apologize for my lack of commenting.  I'm just... blah.

Less Than Stellar News

Of course when J was out of town I got bad news.  I didn't want to give him something to worry about while he was working so I waiting until he was home to talk with him.  I certainly didn't want to post anything until I talked with him.

My last CD3 FSH was 11.6

On Wed, the message my RE attached to the lab result I downloaded was "This is higher, but not dramatic.  Call me Thursday or Tuesday to talk."  So of course I called first thing Thurs and he didn't call back.  Now we're sitting here wondering...

I know it's not an end-of-the-world kind of FSH, but it certainly isn't a "you are a healthy almost 34 year old and should be pregnant with triplets any day now" kind of FSH.

This is our 3rd IUI.  If it doesn't work it's wise to move straight to IVF, yes?  How soon can we get started?  Does this put us at higher risk for chromosomal issues?  What does this do to our chances in general?  Are there supplements I should be taking?  Is this why my left ovary never does jack shit?  And again WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR OUR CHANCES IN GENERAL!?!?!?

Why do they leave us hanging?!?!??!

Odd Parent Interaction...

I end up getting pretty attached with the families I work with and there are over 600 of them.  I work with kids and we all know that kids just say stuff.  I'm often asked by my patients if I have any kids and when I say "no," they quickly follow up with "Do you want kids?" and I answer "Of course I do!"  Sometimes they start asking stuff about when we will have a baby, blah blah blah.  I'm pretty good at fielding them.  This usually happens at least once a week and I have never had a parent redirect their child or mention that their questions about my reproductive status are probably inappropriate.  It stings, but kids say stuff.  I know it's just hard for them to figure out why this married lady who spends all day every day with kids wouldn't have one of her own.

I have a photo of J and I on my desk, of course.  The other day one of the kids saw it and asked, "Is that your husband?"  I said, "Yes it is."  She noted, "You guys look different from each other."  I just said, "We sure do.  It's funny how that happens.  Husbands and wives can look very different sometimes."  She smiled and started to go back to her coloring when her mom jumped in with, "Janie*!  That's not appropriate.  We don't ask those kinds of questions." WHAT?!?!?  Seriously - that was not offensive a comment - at all.  Nor was it a question.  Guess what!  J and I DO look different and it isn't something you see every day.  I felt like by her mom jumping down her throat she was sending a message that there was something wrong with interracial marriage and we shouldn't talk about it.  It could have been a teaching moment, but instead it became something... weird.  Have we just gotten out-of-control PC on the race thing?  Was I supposed to be offended?  It's not like she said he was funny looking, just that he looked different from me. 

This isn't the first time something like that has happened.  People feel the need to correct their kids when they comment on the fact that my husband and I are of different races, but not when they ask when I'm going to have a baby.  Just so bizzaro.  I'm way more offended and weirded out by questions from 6 year olds about potential uterine occupants than I am by a kid who notices that my husband is Asian and I am not.  Just sayin.
 
*names have been changed to protect the innocent... or something like that.

Feeling Lonely

My husband is out of town on business.  This is the first time this has happened!  I'm usually the one who has some conference to go to.  Now he's the one out being all fancy pants and I DO NOT LIKE IT!  At first, I was kind of psyched.  I thought, "Yay!  I can eat what I want when I want.  I don't have to do the dishes if I don't feel like it.  I can sleep in the middle of the bed.  I will make my dog be happy eating dinner without a treat on top again.  This will be swell!"  Then, the first night I came home I was so dang lonely!  Damned him and his fancy pants meeting!

I didn't eat his cookie even though it was tempting.  I did the dishes AND put them away.  I stayed on my side of the bed.  And the dog got a treat in her bowl.

I'm addicted to life with my dude.  And I can't say that I mind it one bit.

I still might eat that cookie, though.

A New Day

Warm

Cradled 

Calm

Comforted 

Whole

The morning intrudes

Attempting to break my reverie

The light leaks in

Soft slits of warmth leading way to a penetrating invasion

A roaring train crashes into my gut

Cold

Empty

Anxious

Tormented

Lost

Maybe If I Run A Marathon...

If you're here from ICLW, welcome!  You can visit the our journey page to catch up.  All caught up?  Good.

I had my baseline ultrasound for IUI #3 yesterday and we're good to go.  There are two fellows who do the IUIs and ultrasounds and I tend to get the same guy for ultrasounds and the other guy (Dr. Texas) for IUIs.  So Dr. Ultrasound was shocked to see me - apparently he really did think I'd be getting pregnant with triplets last month.  Ha ha!  Fooled him!  Anyway, I think he's afraid I'm going to cry on him since I cried after my first baseline ultrasound.  Poor guy.  I only cried because he benched me for a cyst.  I finally got to come to the playground to play and he told me I had to take my ball and go home.  I'm tougher now, dude!  He kept saying, "Don't think about the month to month odds.  You'll just get depressed.  Think cumulatively.  You've been responding well.  This could still work."  God love 'im and his optimism.  I had a resident doing the actual ultrasound this time.  She needs to way be speedier.  Someone should give her a date with Wanda and maybe she'll learn that lesson.

Now we're on to the insurance fight for drugs.  It's not starting well, but if I type about that right now I will launch my keyboard through my monitor.  Menopur needs to be here by Friday.  Who thinks it will even be approved by then.  Show of hands.  Anybody?

J was talking about how he thinks he's going to start saving for a BMW.  Then, as soon as he's close to having a down payment, I'll end up pregnant it he will have to spend that money on baby stuff.  I thought it was good logic.  Murphy's law and all, right?  If you plan for something, it will get all messed up.  I planned for a baby and that's all messed up.  My coworkers and I were talking about running today and some races that are coming up.  I think I'll register for a marathon.  Okay, maybe a half-marathon.  Then, right in the middle of training, I'll get pregnant. 'Cuz.... I really want to run a marathon... (insert as much sarcasm as you can muster here)

Have I totally lost my marbles yet?

Send off Some Love

If you have a moment, please remember to send your thoughts to Mo at Mommy Odyssey

http://mommyodyssey.wordpress.com/contact-me/

She's being induced today... at 22 weeks.

Can't imagine the heartache.

My 100th Post!

I realized this morning that my next post would be my 100th and I felt kind of sad that I didn't have anything monumental to say.  Then I realized that I kind of did!  Well, it's monumental to me at least.

I deactivated my facebook account.

I can come back to it if I want to, but I really need a break.  There were four, yes FOUR pregnancy announcements in my face this week. I just can't hide people quickly enough anymore.  One was my 26 year old cousin and his wife.  That stung.  They were married shortly after us and the wife just started a masters program.  I thought we had some time before that one hit.  Another was a friend who grew up across the street from me.  He's been married forever so I thought they might be "in the club."  If they are, I'm super happy for them, but the cute little announcement stabbed a bit.  One chick I went to college with announced hers four times in one day in four different cutesy ways.  FOUR TIMES!   This was for her 3rd kid.  Another is pregnant with her 4th.  When you are in your 30s and Catholic, people lap you in a big way. 

I just need a breather.  My mother pointed out that it's more of a self-torture device than a source of entertainment at this point.  My real friends will still email or *gasp* pick up a phone... I hope.

The Meme

Thanks for all the nice words about the latest monthly no go.  I'm really okay with it - we did see this one coming.

So I'm going to do Katie and Robin's meme because it sounds much better than the tredmill right now.  How do you say that word anyway.  Is it meem or mem?  I've heard  both and now I'm confused.

Here are the rules: 
1 - Post the rules
2 - Post 12 things about yourself
3 - Answer the 12 questions from the person who tagged you.
4 - Create 12 new questions for the people you tag. 
5 - Tag 12 people and link them to your post.
6 - Let them know that you tagged them.

I'm going to follow suit and just answer the questions.  I have a blog for Pete's sake.  I talk about myself enough! So I'm just going to be a copy cat and answer the questions. 

1. Who are your favorite bloggers?

I love so many blogs for so many different reasons.  The one that makes me really excited when I see it pop on my reader every time is Clay Baboons because it's so unique and makes me smile.  I mean, how the hell does she do that shit?

2. What tip(s) would you give a beginning blogger?

Go to Stirrup-Queens and do what she says!  I probably break all the rules.  I type what ever comes through my fingers and I rarely edit.  I just let it all flow out in a big lump.  In my opinion, if you just let what you need to say come falling out, it will be the truth and that is always good.  Read other blogs, and become part of the community.

3. What is your occupation and what is your favorite part of that occupation?

Well, there aren't that many people in the US who do what I do, so for the sake of anonymity I'll go with my usual answer that some people might be able to figure out.  I work with kids who are deaf and I do the stuff that helps them hear.

4. What do you like to do in your spare time?

Eat.  No.  That's not what you were going for.  I pretend to be a runner, but I suck at it.  I'm a singer and spend a lot of time doing that.  I have a super cool dog that I like spending time with.  J and I watch TV a lot - probably too much!  We got a pasta maker for Christmas and are trying to become masters of pasta.  We are not close to that goal.

5. What are the top 5 sites you visit on the Internet?

All things Google,  my work webmail account, Facebook (God help me), MSN, Fertility Friend

6. What is your favorite vacation place and why?

I don't think I've done enough traveling to answer this well!  I like to be anywhere where I can be relaxed and having a good time with friends.  I miss living up north and skiing and when I have a chance to do that with my girls, I'm all over it.  It's been FOREVER since I've skied now that I think about it!

7. What is your favorite subject to blog about? And how do you come up with ideas to blog about?

I like when I have something funny to blog about.  It seems like there isn't a lot of that lately, but hopefully that will change soon.  IF makes me think weird things that I never really considered before.  When something pops into my head, I try to file it away and make a mental note to explore it in a blog.  Sometimes I read someone else's post that makes me think of a topic and I roll with that.

8. Tell us one unique fact about yourself:

My elbows bend backwards.  It's pretty gross.

9. What is your favorite book(s) of all time and why?

"To Kill A Mockingbird"  I love the seemingly simple heroes who live by a code of honor.  I love the compassion and empathy that develops in Scout.  I love when people see the good in others.

10. What is your favorite food?

Toasted Ravioli.  It's a hometown thing.   Good thing it stays there and I eat it once a year.

11. What are your favorite movie(s) of all time and why?

Amelie, Life is Beautiful, The Princess Bride, The Breakfast Club, Annie, The Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music... all for different reasons.  Some I just like and some are attached to fun memories about who I used to watch it with and where I was at the time in my life when the movie was released.

12. What will you do if you can't have a baby?

We've been talking more and more about living child free, which shocks the crap out of me.  If you told me even a year ago that I would say that I would have busted into an ugly cry.  I like that it no longer seems terrifying.

I'm not sure who hasn't been tagged with this bad boy, but I'm going to try to pick some new people.  Sorry if you got hit twice and sorry if you really wanted to do this and got skipped over.  And oh yeah - consider yourself tagged.


1. Crystal at The Redhead Files
2. Daryl at Something out of Nothing
3. Amanda at My Life in a Nutshell
4. BW at Mummy Are We There Yet
5. Chanel at Just Waiting For My Turn
6. Slynn at Homegrown Love
7.  Gee at Gee Baby
8. Megan at A Journey Through Weight Loss, PCOS...
9. Jesica at Just Smile and Blog
10. BWeezy at What's Up With My Ovaries
11. Janet at Just A Little Off Kilter
12.  Mrs. Green Grass at Baby Making Merry-Go-Round

Let Me Shake Things Up A Little

BFN!

I feel like we haven't seen a post like that in awhile!  I'm super happy for all of my girls who've had BFPs lately.  Y'all seem to be coming out of the woodwork!

I had a BFN this morning, but we saw that coming, so I'm not flipping out or sad.  My RE called me yesterday to check in (Love that guy.  Somehow his southern accent makes everything sound better.  Most men have a southern accent that makes them sound stupid).  Anywho.  One more crack at this IUI thing and then we shall regroup.  I'm hoping that if it doesn't work we can just go on to IVF.  Obviously ovulation isn't the problem and I'd rather not dink around with a full on injectable cycle. I'm getting 4-5 follies on a pill/injectable combo.

Why I Hate Valentine's Day

First of all let me say that one of my biggest pet peeves in the whole world is when people say "Valentimes."  Don't do it, people.  Don't do it.

Valentine's day has so many negative things attached to it for me that I purposefully adopted my dog on Valentine's day.  I needed a happy thought.  Now I get to celebrate Scout's "birthday" instead of thinking about the yuckies.

No, I didn't have too many lonely nights or a few too many broken hearts.  Perhaps the easiest reason that I hate V-Day is that we buried my grandmother on Valentine's Day.  Yeah.  The real reason I hate V-Day is actually worse than that.

I grew up in an abusive household.  My father would make a big stink out of V-Day.  He would do "special" things for my sister and I.  Send us each a pink rose to school, have balloons for us in the morning, make a special breakfast.  You would think this would be an awesome dad way to behave, right?  Well, he made V-Day as grandiose as he could for us in order to point out the things he wasn't doing for his wife... my mother.  He would do nothing for her and make sure we were all aware of it.  We would end up feeling guilty about the gifts we got, but if we expressed that we were ungrateful and spoiled and in big trouble.  So every year, we put up with the gifts we didn't want and swallowed the guilt and the pity.  Well, I did at least.  My father managed to convince my sister that my mother deserved it.

As I got older, I tried to get ballsier.  When I moved out, I would refuse delivery of any flowers or anything, but he found a way around that.  The worst V-Day came when I was in graduate school.  My father came to my apartment to hand deliver his annual ridiculous gift.  He then sat at my kitchen table and told me he had something to talk to me about.  He started sobbing, telling me a story about his time in Vietnam.  He told me he saved a man's life and watched him die.  He told me he had shrapnel in his knee and his butt from the attack.  He told me he earned a purple heart.

I never knew my father was in Vietnam.  In fact, I thought he was in high school at the time.  Our understanding was always that he got kicked out of boot camp and never actually joined the Marines.  My first thought when I heard this story?  I wondered how he got through metal detectors if he had shrapnel in his ass.  So I guess you could say that I knew right off the bat that it was a big lie.

The purple heart?  My brother has seen it, but I don't know how he managed to get his hands on one.  A private investigator heard our story and offered to pull his military history for us.  He really did get kicked out of boot camp.  There was no active duty for him, although he says it's a military cover up... and my sister believes him.

That V-Day was the day my life started to unravel.  We learned about 20 years of affairs, years of unemployment he somehow managed to fake, multiple mortgages my mother's signature was forged on... the list goes on.  That was when I started to realize that not everyone's mom gets yelled at constantly and that most girls aren't afraid of their fathers.  It's the day my father stopped being dad.

J tries really hard to make V-Day special and I could not be luckier to have him as a full time Valentine.  I can play along with the day now, but deep down, I'm still scarred by V-Day's past.  I feel like it's a day where people are primed to be disappointed and hurt.  I don't like days like that.

Music Monday: Get Your Booty Shake On

Alright, ladies.  This one will make you smile.  I figure some of us could use some sillies today.  So turn up the speakers and get to the silliness.

Finding A Place

Before starting to read this post, you should know about the insanity that is swirling around me.  My husband is a die hard UNC basketball fan.  He hates Duke with a passion.  Right now, we are watching the game.  This is what watching the game in my house is like.  J stands two feet from the TV and yells at it.  He also sometimes throws small objects and for some reason, he hits himself in the head when something doesn't go his way.  I don't understand that part at all.  When things go well, he claps loudly and rhythmically four times in a row... waits 20 seconds... and does it again.  The dog does not like it when he gets mad (this is the only time he ever gets remotely angry) and she jumps all over him and whines and barks.  I promised I would not retreat to my bedroom if he bought me chocolate.  So I'm blogging, eating cookies, and enjoying the entertainment.

Now for the real post.

J and I have been talking more lately about how this whole thing is affecting us as a family.  He said something that was really eye opening.  He said that at this point, he would look back on our first year of marriage as a year of sadness.  That broke my heart, but I can't say it's entirely untrue.  I hope that eventually, whenever we find a resolution to this mess, we will look back on it as the year we really built our marriage, grew together, and saw what we were made of.  Right now, I hate that he is sad.  I hate that we are sad.  I hate that all of these memories are attached to our newlywed time.

So we've been trying two things.  One, we're choosing to be more joyful.  Could I sit around and focus on the sad things?  Sure.  That's pretty easy to do most of the time.  But couldn't we focus more on the happy things?  Even if it's something little, can't we concentrate on celebrating those things?  That's been the challenge this week and so far, so good!  It probably helps that we're in a futile TWW, I'll admit, but better to start at a less trying time than an emotionally charged one.

The other is to focus on the life we have now rather than the life we wish we had.  The life we have now is one that doesn't have kids.  Right now, we're a family of two with a giant black hole of uncertainty that continues to grow. It feels really awful. It's like a big question mark that keeps us from settling in to our life together.  The real turning point came for us when I brought up a trip I may be making to Germany in 2014.  We were talking about saving up so J could come with.  We realized we'd lost our shit when we were actually talking about the possibility of there being a baby he had to stay home with.  We seriously thought about not saving money for a trip because of a hypothetical baby.  Wouldn't it suck for 2014 to come around, there's no baby, AND we don't have the money for him to come with me?  Would we really want that infertility reminder?  Wouldn't it be better to be in a position where we had a pot of money AND a baby?

This is how we live our lives!  I actually have an real budget and a budget for when we have a baby and I change the dates on it every month we aren't successful.  We have two guest rooms and one is completely without decoration because it's meant to be a baby's room.  When we bought my car last year, we bought an SUV because we were planning on in being a mom-mobile.  We don't plan trips because what if I get pregnant and can't travel or there's a baby on the way and we need that money to get ready?  I stress out at the dog when she barks at night because worry she'll bark when there's a sleeping baby.  I feel uncomfortable about trying to lose weight because what if I get pregnant and haven't been eating enough?

All neurotic, I know.  Obviously, we haven't found a way to be happy with our lives as a twosome. We've skipped that.  So now, we're tying to find a place where we can see a future with just the two of us.  Maybe we will have a biological child.  Maybe we will decide to adopt.  Maybe we will live without children.  Right now, we don't have any children and we need to live like it. 

We will continue trying to get pregnant and pursuing treatment with everything we have in us while somehow balancing happiness with what we have right now.  We most certainly have to also find a way to be comfortable as a family of two.  I have to find peace with what our lives are now and embrace what may be our future.

Things We've Learned From IF

A couple of lazy Sunday mornings ago, J and I were all snuggled up, trying to find a silver lining.  We started talking about what our IF journey has taught us so far.  If you think about it, it really is a crazy nutty ride that makes you think about things you've never even considered before.

For J, the big one was patience.  He thinks he's learned how to wait for things he wants.  I can't say I totally agree with him on this, but okay!  He also said he's learned what despair feels like, which is probably not a silver lining.

For me, it's more about empathy.  If there is one thing I know now, it's that I can't predict how I'm going to respond in a situation.  I'll admit it - I was once one of those people who thought that if you can't get pregnant you should just adopt.  Now that I can't get pregnant, adoption is the farthest thing from my mind right now.  It might be something I consider later, but I'm not there yet.  Since I saw this, I've realized that I can't judge people for their actions or lack thereof.  I have no idea what else is going on in their life.  I have no idea what it feels like to be in their shoes.  I can take a minute to try, but unless I am that person in that moment, I just can't judge.

What lessons are you learning?  And no, it doesn't have to be positive.

Know What's Funny?

When your baby brother calls to see how your treatments are going.  You can tell that he loves you so he wants to acknowledge what you're going through, but you can also tell that it's the LAST thing in the world he really wants to be doing.

Bless his heart.

Thanks

Thanks for all of your comments on my earlier post.  I think it really has opened up a big dialogue between us about how each of us feels about this whole thing and how far we're willing to go.  I'm grateful for that, but it would have been nicer if it didn't come out of a crap cycle!

Hugs!

Yes, I Am That B@*%h

You all are about to find out some not so nice things about me.  J gave me permission to post this info because this blog is my outlet and I promised to blog all the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This is ugly and I'm not apologizing for it.

When J gave his first sample for an SA at the clinic, there was serious performance anxiety.  To the point that the doctor actually called us and said that there was "no way in hell" that we would get pregnant on our own.  Turns out J just couldn't do it in the office.  He was distracted by hearing the nurses outside the room and he's "just not that into himself" if you know what I mean.  So we collected a second sample at home and it was great.  Super sperm.  When we did our first IUI it was the weekend.  He armed himself with "entertainment" on his iPhone.  There was no one in the clinic that day.  The sample was smaller than that last time, but still, it was fantastic.

I was really nervous about this time.  I asked if he wanted to collect at home.  He said it would be fine.  I reminded him that this time would be a weekday and there would be loads of people in the clinic.  He said it would be fine.  I emailed him an article about things you can do to overcome "performance anxiety" when giving a sample in the clinic.  He didn't do them.  He said it would be fine.  I asked if he needed to download a fresh set of "entertainment."  He didn't.  He said it would be fine.  I asked if he wanted me to go back there with him.  He was that would be worse than doing it alone and that it would be fine.

It was not fine.

After sitting in the waiting room for him for an hour (!) I was feeling like I wanted to climb the walls.  He told me it didn't go well.  The performance anxiety was an issue as expected.

Our post was count was 240,000.  Yes, the coma is in the right place.  Yes, there are only 4 zeros.  Volume was 1/2 ML.  We still did it.  I mean, what the hell else were we supposed to do?

Here's the ugly.  I'm feeling no sympathy.  I'm pissed.

We went from being told we could have triplets to being told there was a less than 1% chance of success this cycle in a span of 2 days.  I made 5 freakin follicles.  I've been shot, I've had hot flashes, I've had mood swings, I've been dehydrated, I've gained weight, I've cried, I've cramped, I've left rehearsal to shoot myself in the bathroom.  I feel like this was completely avoidable.  He knew it could be an issue and he knew how to prevent it.  I feel like he let his pride get in the way.  I feel completely let down.  I feel incredibly disappointed.  I feel like my faith in him has been shaken.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way because it would be hard to be in his situation.  But I also know that we do not have an MFI issue and he created one for us yesterday.  And when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I would have been able to do it if I were in his situation.  Because I am a planner.  I see what the road blocks are and I make a plan B.  He took the risk of not following a plan B and he lost.  That was not the place to take a risk.

So I'm pissed.  And I know that's a dirty way to feel, but I want off of the effing train and I feel like J leaned against the door and blocked my exit.  I know I need to get over it.  So call me all the names you want, but I'm still pissed.

And so...

...we're off for another 3/4 clothed, not so romantic, pseudo-coital interlude.

Wish us luck!