Han Solo

This will probably be disjointed because, well, I feel disjointed right now!  First, some refresher background...

We name our embies.  It's a thing.  Our first cycle we just called them "The Blobs" because that's what they looked like.  After our second fresh cycle (embies dubbed "The Jedi"), we took the 3 day embies we had left from that cycle and went to a different clinic.  At the new clinic, we thawed the ones that were left and cultured to 5 day blasts.  We transferred two "Return of the Jedi" and froze the last remaining one.  It ended up being a day 6 slow grower, but passed their litmus test for freezing.  Then we did a third fresh cycle, had Chipmunk (we transferred three that cycle so they were Alvin, Simon, and Theodore), and now we're back for our final embie.  I introduce you to Han Solo:

You know - he was frozen and thawed out and all.  Seems timely to be continuing the Star Wars theme for this pack of embies about now.

The embryologist felt it had perked up since the thaw and she graded it at A+.  The photo was taken just after the thaw and by the time they put it on the screen just before transfer it had already expanded.  Pretty neat.  We're feeling hopeful.  If this works, Chipmunk will be a big sister to her technically-older sibling. 

Beta isn't until 1/4 with the holiday.  I promised J I wouldn't pee on anything until the New Year.  Chillin' for the afternoon.  Thanks for all of the happy thoughts.

All Systems Go

We are a go for transfer on the 23rd.  They wanted 7mm.  I was 7.1.  There's still mucus in there, but they're letting me go.  SO GLAD!  

Quick funny story.  My hair has been curly since Chipmunk was born.  I decided to chop all of my hair off and rock it.  I'm having a good time.  I walked into the clinic today (without tripping)  and the receptionist said, "I love your hair!"  Phlebotomist said, "I love your hair!"  I'm in the stirrups.  Doc comes in and says, "Sorry I took me so long to get you.  We have another Lisa HapaHopes and she's a patient of Dr. Awesome's too.  I thought she was coming so I was confused.  They are so cool.  They won this video contest and got a scholarship for their daughter.  It was from Ferring and..."  I said, "Dr. M, that's me.  I just got a hair cut."  He laughed so loudly.  I'm pretty sure I signed all of my HIPAA rights away with that video about a billion times over.  I'm just glad they think we're cool.

Can't I Just Go Back To Bed and Try Again Tomorrow?

I had my first monitoring visit for our FET last week. My lining wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible either.  She thought I'd be fine by this week.

Not so much.

My day started when I literally tripped into the clinic.  Yes, literally in the real sense of the word,  not the way people butcher it now.  I somehow walked right on out of my shoes and landed flat on the concrete, cutting my knee and scraping my chin.  That should've been my first clue that today was destined to suck.

My lining has actually shrunk.  What was a 6.5 is now a 4.7 and I still have a bunch of mucus in my uterus.  They pushed back my transfer to the 23rd and I'm adding Vivelle dots.  Two of them twice a week.

I cried the whole way to my office.  As much as I've tried to remain cool, I don't think I really tuned into how emotionally ramped up I was about this cycle.  I can't stop crying.  I can't get it together.  I'm all E2ed up and I can't. stop. crying.  I guess all of this estrogen is just going to my emotions and my ass.  Both seem out of control lately.  I hate FETs.  I think I've mentioned that before.  I also think my lining did this before.  Swell.

I went to fill my prescription.  Insurance apparently only pays for one box a month, not two.  So I filled the one box, cried again, and will hope that the angel nurses at the clinic can fix this shit sometime in the next 15 days so I don't run out of patches and can get them filled before I have a new deductible to tackle.

I hate this.  I hate the drama.  I hate watching my body fail again.  I hate worrying about insurance and money.  I hate over analyzing everything I do.  I hate being sad when I should just be enjoying the holidays with my healthy, happy two year old.  I hate it all.  This SUCKS.  It all just sucks.

And my chin hurts.

So an FET is happening...

We were planning on telling no one, but a visit to the RE today reminded me that I need my tribe.  I know this means that a few IRL friends are reading this.  Unless you're "Farrah," please understand that I'm in a weird place and don't really want to talk about it in person.

We have one embryo left.  The fresh cycle for this embryo started at "the clinic which shall not be named."  It was a day three embie from a set of 8 (I think), thawed for our FET, and cultured to day 5. We transferred the two best blasts from that cycle and planned to freeze the rest.  This was the only one that survived and it was a slow grower.  It's a day six 3AB expanded blastocyst from a now twice failed cycle.  We don't have the highest of hopes for it, but we feel very connected to our embies and we want to give it a chance.  Since we're about to hit out deductible, now's the time (because when you can't build your family the old fashioned way, you base your childbearing decisions on deductibles).

Going back to the clinic was unexpectedly strange.  I had a sick feeling in my tummy all morning that J didn't really understand until the visit was over and his feelings mirrored mine.   Since winning the video contest, we have an odd little celebrity there, so it's strange to walk in, be immediately recognized, and everyone from the front desk to the embryologists wants to know what your kid is doing for her birthday in a few weeks.  Unsettling too in a way.  I just kind of wanted to keep my head down and get this over with if that makes any sense. Instead, everyone just assumes the cycle will work and they are "dying to see what 'Chipmunk's' sibling will look like."  Maybe it was bothersome because we walked in being okay with not having much hope.  We both walked away feeling bad that we were okay with not feeling hopeful.  Like we should be more hopeful, excited even.  Perhaps we're just still scarred and reeling.

It is different, though.  If this doesn't work, we're okay with it.  We'll be sad, disappointed, but three years ago, the thought of a failed cycle meant looking at our future completely differently.  Now it doesn't.  It means the future we envisioned will stay the same, because another child would be a bonus.  I know so many women are reading this and thinking I'm nuts.  I didn't envision a one child family, but as conception became more difficult, and we started to see a family of two adults as our reality, Chipmunk became the bonus.  I no longer feel a hole in my heart for a second child to fill. I would welcome one, of course, but there will be no more fresh cycles.  If this FET doesn't stick, the door is closed.

I don't know, maybe I'm still sorting out how I feel.  I just know that I stood at that desk scheduling FET class and words like saline ultrasound, E2, FSH, and PIO were pouring out of my mouth like second nature again and I hated it.  We're heading down the gauntlet one more time and I fucking hate the gauntlet.

#MicroblogMonday - The Bill

It's here.

The bill.

"Do you want to keep your potential child in cryostorage or should we 'destroy' it?"

The annual reminder that we are not like other families.  That I am broken.

That will be $500 please.

Because It Still Won't Be Over

There's a baby coming, which still blows my mind and it so beyond awesome I just can't handle it.  I'm still infertile.  My lady parts still need attention and I have to think about what I'm going to do about all that after our little Hapa Chippy arrives.

Now that I have an actual endo diagnosis, I intend to treat that bitch and not be in pain.  I'm breaking up with narcotics and I'm going to have a damn sex life again.  I am not going to be in pain or afraid of sex.  I'm not.  It's just not an option.  The problem is that treatment means that I won't be ovulating... which means there would be no hope of a surprise pregnancy.

Yes my friends, denial is still alive and well in my head.

We had crap fertilization with traditional IVF, top grade embryos have been known to be less than pleased about the prospect of implanting in my ute, and three months of menopause seems to be necessary to get me knocked up.  Yet, here's that little voice in my head still nagging, "but what if?"  I really do feel like I've come to terms with things.  I'm really okay with having an only child.  I'm really okay with my diagnosis.  I really am happy with my life.  So, WTF?  It all seems so silly.  We do have an embie on ice, but our RE didn't really have a lot of hope for it.  It isn't even from our successful cycle, it's the only extra from the FET and it almost didn't pass the freeze standards.  Our plan is to quietly do a transfer one day and just get closure.  So why on earth is that little voice upset that I have to not ovulate in order to avoid pain and enjoy sex?  I'm okay with not having another baby.  Right?

Then there's the prospect of where to go.  The world is not burgeoning with endo experts.  I haven't even talked with my OB about it, because as much as I like my practice, I sure don't see them as endo experts.  Mine does not seem to be a typical case and I'd really like to see someone who knows what they are doing, can look at MY case, and tell me what the best plan of action would be.  I don't want to just be handed a pack of BCPs and shoved out the door.  It was over 10 years ago that someone told me I probably had endo and not a single doc told me that I should take the active pills consecutively and not have a period until I ended up at an RE's office.  Not one.  I honestly think they didn't know.

My husband keeps reminding me that we still have that pesky cervical dysplasia thing to deal with too.  I keep forgetting about it.   Really, I do.  It seems so common that I think more run-of-the-mill gynes are able to deal with that than they are able to deal with endo.  Besides, I plan to ask my OB to stick a loofa on the Chipmunk's head once she gets to about 0 station so she can scrub that nasty shit off.  That'll totally work, right?

I really just wish I could hug my baby and ignore my ute for the rest of my life.  I've had enough of her drama.

Thanks and Recap

The Chipmunks

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the prayers and well wishes. I honestly believe that we would not have gotten this far without all of your good vibes out there in the universe. Keep ‘em comin! This beta crap makes me a hot mess.

So since I’ve been MIA, I thought I should update you on how retrieval and transfer went, especially since it was not as expected!

Just to recap, I was doing a three month treatment of Lupron Depot that started in November. Midway through January, I started stimming. So I didn’t use any antagon or additional Lupron, we just let the Depot shot do it’s long acting thing to keep me suppressed. I have not had a period since early November (that’s gunna be fun to explain to an OB… if we get that far).

Things were going great as usual for the stim portion of the IVF entertainment. In fact, I thought things were going better than usual. My estradiol was rising smoothly and we didn’t even have to make changes to my meds. My follies were growing nicely and at a similar rate. I’m not sure how many I had on trigger day, but I know it was enough that they only measured the larger ones. All was well. I was very hopeful.

On the morning of retrieval, I was pretty anxious. I remember portions of my other retrievals. I remember the pain, I remember begging for more meds, I remember being really cold. I was not looking forward to going through that again. Man, this nurse anesthetist was my best friggin’ friend. It was an entirely different cocktail (Yay Propofol!) and I don’t remember a damn thing. I was quite entertaining afterwards too. I’d like to think that I helped calm the nerves of the poor girl set to go after me, but I’m not entirely sure I’m right in that assumption. J I kept loudly proclaiming that the nurse anesthetist was my hero. He was though, seriously.

It took forever for them to come back with an egg count. One of the other docs in the practice even came down to wait for it because he was sure it was going to “at least be in the teens.” He looked disappointed when the lab finally came back with 12. I was totally cool with 12. It’s not like 26 got me anywhere! Quality over quantity! Yay for 12!

I was honestly not that worried about the fertilization report. Since we’ve added ICSI to the mix, things have been better. Not the upwards of 70% it should be, but way better than the 19% we got without it. Most of my eggs are always mature… I was figuring we’d end up with 6 embies and that sounded like a great number. So when she said we only had 3, I was taken aback. Only 6 were mature and only 3 fertilized… with ICSI. As usual, there was no reason why. It just was. We were scheduled for a 3 day transfer and I was petrified that we wouldn’ t have anything to transfer. I was having flashbacks to our first cycle.

But we did have something to transfer! In fact, all three stuck around. We went ahead and transferred all three. A 6 cell, a 7 cell, and an 8 cell. They looked pretty darned good. J dubbed them Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. Transfer went smoothly and my RE was hopeful that one or two of our chipmunks would decide to stick around.

The bloat came back with force on Saturday. Even J said, “I’m afraid you’re going to take this the wrong way, but you look much bigger than you ever have.” Sweet, honey. Thanks. I started having some sharp pains when sneezing or rolling over in bed. I let the little thought creep in that maybe, just maybe, our last round finally worked.

I caved and POAS on Monday. It was positive. It wasn’t dark, but it wasn’t a squinter either. I dragged J out of bed (I swear he thought there was a fire or something) and we proceeded to fall into complete hysterics. I tested again the morning of my beta to make sure it was darker and it was. Beta #1 was 162 and beta #2 is tomorrow.

I’m feeling so many crazy things right now that I can’t even put them into words. Happiness, shock, anxiety, fear, gratefulness, guilt… That about covers it.

Again, I can’t thank y’all enough for your awesomeness. I hate being in this club, but thank God for the wonderful women in it.

And Aly – I hope your screen recovered.

Lupron Side Effects

When my first RE started to suggest a 3 month course of Lupron Depot as a pre-cycle Endo treatment, I was wary.  Wary because this drug has an entire website dedicated to the hatred of the dang thing.  When Dr. Awesome brought it up again, I figured it was time to dive in.  He promised we could do "add-back" therapy if things got too tough. With add-back therapy, you take a little bit of estrogen to keep the side effects at bay.  I really wanted to tough it out, though.  If the goal was to be estrogen-free, I wanted to do it right.  I'm proud to say that I have not needed to use any add-back.

Lupron works by making your pituitary gland stop telling your ovaries to produce hormones.  If estrogen is not being produced, then the endometriosis lesions have nothing to feed them, and the hope is that they will shrink.  As a Depot shot, there is a controlled release of the drug over time.  I've been on a 3.75 mg injection once a month for three months.  I have to go to my RE's office to get the injection, mostly because they are supposed to check in on you and your side effects.

I thought I'd lay out a list of common side effects and what my experience has been.  Every woman is different, and everyone's course on this drug is going to be unique.  There's just so much scary stuff out there, I thought it was important to weigh in.

Hot flashes and night sweats:  Um, yeah.  They are not fun.  They are uncomfortable and embarrassing.  For during the day, I've learned NOT to wear a jacket in the car under any circumstances.  My boss recently went through "the change" and she gave me her mini fan to sit on my desk. It helps a LOT.  I love to have a glass of wine now and then, but I find that if I have one, the hot flashes are worse for the next day.  So no wine.  At night, I don't wear much.  I also have a fan facing me.  God love J for putting up with it.  He says I toss and turn all night even with the fan, but at least I'm not waking up as much.

Headaches:  I have not had any headaches *knocks on wood*

Vaginal dryness:  Oh yeah.  I think that was my first side effect.  Nothing a little lube won't cure, friends.

Tiredness:  I wouldn't say that this is totally noticeable outside of nights I don't sleep well.  I do have some days when I'm on the treadmill and just feel like I have no energy to put one foot in front of the other, though, and that's been new.  Then I have days like today where I just don't feel like doing much.  For instance, this could be a much funnier post if I felt like it.  Sorry for you, you just get a list of my symptoms.  Tough shit, I'm menopausal.

Nausea/vomiting:  Nope (again with the wood knocking).

Fluid retention:  Nope.

Weight gain:  I've been working my ass off (literally) to lose weight since my first shot in early November.  I'm at almost 10 pounds.  It hasn't been any harder or easier than it usually is and weight loss has never been easy for me.  My appetite is greater than usual, though, so I've been tracking calories to keep myself accountable.

Acne:  No.  My skin has actually been super super dry.

Hirsutism:  Nope.  Stable hairiness level.

Loss of sex drive:  Totally gone.  Hugh Jackman could walk in all nakie and I'd be all, "Can I get you a cup of tea?  How about pants.  I'm pretty sure you'd like some pants."

Joint pain:  I have had some of this and it's been odd.  One day my left ring finger will hurt and the next day it will be my right knee, then my right hand.  Totally random, and a little scary to be honest.

Depression:  No.  I've actually been feeling pretty good.  I've chalked it up to not actively TTCing.

Dizziness:  Nope.

Breast changes/tenderness:  Actually, they've shrunk.  I don't think it's all weight loss either.  J is none too happy about this.  I hope they bounce back.  I am so funny.

Bone density loss:  I have no idea.  Since I'm only doing 3 months worth I'm not really at risk.  I have been taking my calcium just to cover my bases.

Insomnia:  For the first time in my life I've been experiencing this.  It is really not fun.  It's only been a few nights, but one night is too many!  I heart sleep.  I do not heart staring at the clock, wondering when I'm going to feel sleeping, thinking about how much tomorrow is going to suck.

Paranoia:  Holy crap this is weird.  Earlier this week I stopped my workout in a panic, completely certain that I had left the oven on at work.  I could not let it go.  I was sure that the whole office was going to burn down and it would be all my fault.  J had to talk me off the ledge and even after reminding me that it could be a side effect, I was still sure I left the oven on.  I hadn't of course.  Last night I was sure that J was hiding something from me.  He swears he's not.  I'm still not sure.

Mood swings:  I've had a couple, but they haven't been too bad.  We shall not discuss my irrationality in this forum, K?

Memory problems:  This has actually been entertaining.  Word finding has been the big issue for me.  I just stand there, snapping my fingers, muttering "You know, that girl who was here last week.  She had that one thing with the pink on it and her mom worked at that one place."  My mom thought this was hilarious over the holidays, my boss finds it equally laughable, and J has just learned to fill in the blanks.

So that's it!  It has been completely bearable for me.  The most important thing is that I have been PAIN FREE!!!!  Sex doesn't hurt, pooping doesn't hurt, gas bubbles don't hurt.  No random aches and pains in my pelvis and it's fabulous.  If only it could last forever.

Peace out from menopause land.

Still Kickin'

I'm still alive!  Lupron hasn't chucked me down to the depths.  Actually - I'm doing pretty darned good.

The first couple of weeks I had a major increase in pain, which is normal, and that was less than enjoyable.  However, it was nice to be able to feel more confident that certain areas where I felt pain were actually endo related.  I'm talkin' 'bout the poop chute, my friends.

There's  no such thing as TMI on this blog, ladies.  Sorry to warn you after the fact.

Anywho, I still have some tailbone pain that I would really like to go away.  The hot flashes are not fun, but they are manageable.  The mood swings are dramatic enough that I can recognize that I'm being completely irrational (Turkey soup, people.  I started a fight about turkey soup.).  I have noticed some joint pain over the past few days and I'm not excited about that.  Hopefully it's temporary.  Shot numero dos is Thursday.

My in-laws were supposed to be here for Thanksgiving.  My father-in-law has been being a stubborn old Korean man and not listing to his doctors having gallbladder issues, so we made an executive decision that made me feel like one of "those" adult children.  We told them we weren't cool with their "let's drive 5 hours to the air port and spend 8 hours flying across the country while seriously ill" plan and convinced them to stay home.  It worked, though!  He moved up his surgery consult (and learned that his gallbladder isn't even functioning at this point, so I'm glad they didn't travel) and scheduled a date.  They say he should be fine once it comes out.

The weight loss is happening!  I'm down 5 pounds.  I'd have to lose about 12.5 more to hit the RE's goal before we start stimming, and since that should happen in about 7 more weeks, I'm thinking I'm not going to get there.  Seriously, why did I let a man convince me this would be a piece of cake?  A tall man at that.  I'm going to keep going and get as close as I can.  My eating habits have been very healthy, and even though my calories are restricted to short girl levels, I'm not starving.  I've been running a lot and my shins are starting to let me know that's not okay, so I'm going to have to hike my butt down to the gym and haul myself on an elliptical I suppose.  I hate ellipticals.  My feet are too small and slide all over the place and I can barely reach the handles.  It's like watching an uncoordinated gerbil try to run up a crooked, giant wheel.

I don't know if it's the Lupron or the time off from the baby-makin' train, but I'm felt my old self coming back at times.  There have been moments of... dare I say it... giddiness.  I actually feel guilty for feeling happy during this little spurts.  It's like part of me thinks I need to give my grief it's due and be sad forever.  Obviously this is ridiculous and I've told that part of me to shut it.

That's life in a nutshell at the moment.  Just boring enough to have nothing to write about and enjoying it.

Wherein I Give Up My Soul In The Baby Quest

Okay, maybe that's a bit melodramatic.

I don't eat red meat or pork.  This is mainly because I don't like it.  A second bonus was that after having lost 50 pounds, not eating red meat helped keep me out of the drive through.  When I heard that red meat carried a higher risk of certain cancers that ran rampant in my family and that it was estrogenic, I felt even more buoyed in my my red meat and porkless life.  I'd asked doctors about it and they said it was a non-issue in the baby quest.

Then I started googling crap about building uterine lining and "eat red meat" kept popping up.  Made sense and I figured that it wouldn't really hurt anything short term.  I'm not a steak or chops fan, but I do miss burgers.

So I asked J to take me out for a burger and he was more than happy to oblige.  Surprisingly, I didn't get sick!  I'm not going to start eating this crap every day, and bacon is still out, but like I said... can't hurt anything in the short term.

So here it is folks, my first burger in 10 years.  Mushroom and swiss.  Not gunna lie, it was damned good.

I had to have the fries too!

%^$!

My lining has not grown.  It was 5.9 at my first ultrasound and it was 5.6 today (day 13).  Waiting for a call from the doc with my E2 results and what to do next.  I'm so over this I can't even stand it.

One Foot In Front Of The Other

First, an apology.  I know I have been a piss poor commenter lately.  I haven't even been a great reader lately, I'll admit.  The wind has really been knocked out of my sails, and when I'm feeling hopeless, I work my ass off.  I bury myself in work.  I don't even know where I came up with the pile of work I made for myself this week, but I got a lot of crap done!  It feels good to accomplish something I guess.

But you don't want to hear about that, you want to hear about the new RE!!!  He is yet to be blog-named.  I'm working on it.  The man sat with us for an hour.  AN HOUR, PEOPLE!  That's 60 whole minutes in one sitting.  I don't think Dr. Plethora has spent 60 cumulative minutes with us in the year we've been seeing him... at least not while I was conscious.

The new doc went through my file with us step by step.  He laughed about how great it is to work with infertility patients because you can say, "What was your AMH?" or "What dose did you start your last cycle with?" and we can shout out a number without thinking.  He talked about what he would have done differently in the past and what he would do in the future.  He gave us a number of theories on why this cycle didn't work.  I really appreciated how he talked with us about the possible impacts endometriosis has on infertility and what could have happened in our last cycle.  He made it really easy to understand... well... he made the fact that we don't understand hardly anything about endo easy to understand.  But at any rate, it's obvious that the lap has helped with embryo quality and we want to make hay and keep riding the coat-tails of a recently gutted gut.  Here's what he would have done differently:

• Added LH to my stims.  Apparently there is some research to support this.
• ICSI on round one - even though it didn't look like we needed it.
• Added some HCG to my trigger.
• Cultured to blasts.
• Added some HCG to the culture medium at transfer.  Really cool to learn about.

The most exciting thing about our FET is that they are going to thaw the embies, culture them for two more days, and then transfer.  If any are left, they will refreeze them!  I didn't know you could refreeze!

So we're going to move our little kidsicles to the new clinic and do an FET.  I started BCPs today.  We have to take an FET class (Ugh!  Enough with the classes!  I'm pretty sure I've injected, ingested, and inserted it all!) and then we'll get our calendar.  I can't get in to do the class until the first week of September because of my patient load, but c'est la vie.  I'm tired of feel stressed about rushing to get things in so I'm not going to do it.


When we were leaving the new RE's office, he told us that he doesn't see any reason why I can't be pregnant and fully expects that I will be as long as we keep trying.  That was good to hear.  Then J looked up and noticed that one of his diplomas matches one of mine.  I don't know how I missed that we shared an Alma mater.  I was sold.


We met with the financial person, who was awesome.  She had already called our insurance company to verify benefits and what we had left on our limits.  She handles so much more for us than our old clinic did.  Knowing that I wouldn't have to haggle for pre-auths made me want to cry.  Then she walked us over to embryology to talk frozen embryo transport.  

I emailed the new RE to tell him we were planning to go ahead with the new cycle and he answered me in a matter of minutes.  I about fell over.  I couldn't even leave a message for the old RE directly!  We could only leave a message for the nurse and keep our fingers crossed.  Heck, I called about moving our embies on Wednesday and STILL haven't gotten a call back.  I feel like I'm in high school, trying to break up with a slacker boyfriend, and he won't even call me back so I can end it!

As soon as the old clinic calls me back (!^#*^#@$%$@), we're going to move the embies ourselves.  I'm that type-A.  I wonder if I can make an "Embryos on Board" sign to put on my car.  Maybe a stick figure family with embryos on it?

We're moving forward... one step at a time.

Pain and Decisions

Right now I'm full of anger, hinged with a tint of sadness. What the hell happened? We had so much hope. Everything went so much better this cycle, we didn't think it was possible to have another failure. It seemed like the lap "fixed" the root of the problem, but I suppose we were wrong on that. There's more to the story it seems. How can there be more? For shit's sake!

How did we get here? I always knew in the back of my mind that we wouldn't get pregnant right away. I thought it may take us awhile or we may need a pill, but I didn't think it would come to this! Three failed IUIs, surgery, and two failed IVFs. They had to force my husband's sperm in my eggs because it couldn't happen on its own. Our gametes couldn't play nicely together. The love of my life and my best friend. I feel like we've been robbed. Worst of all, I feel like I've stolen a chance at fatherhood from him. That eats at me like nothing else.

I told him before we even got engaged that I might have a hard time having children, but like I said, I didn't think it would be this difficult. He's meant to be a father. I know that we would be good at it, dammit! Not perfect by any means, but good. Whenever I see the pain in his eyes after another failed cycle, I feel a part of my heart fall out of my chest. He deserves so much more than what I can give him, and yet he still loves me. It's hard to feel deserving of that when my body keeps failing him.

I feel like I'm one of "those" people. The woman who can't get pregnant. What everyone fears and yet feels free to judge at the same time. "Give up and 'just' adopt." "Why do you keep doing that to your body?" "Maybe it just isn't meant to be." "I'm sure you can give all of your love to the children you work with." That last one came to my brother. I know he meant well, he's young, and he doesn't know what else to say, but if you could bitch slap someone through a text, I would have done that last night.

Yes, the snothead who leaves broken toys strewn all over my office, launches a block at me when I tell him "no," and somehow gives me ringworm in the 60 minute visit we have every 6 months is definitely benefiting from my childlessness.

We've decided to go to a different clinic. I know I can find a clinic that doesn't require me to leave a message for a nurse every time I call. I can see from reading everyone else's posts that there are clinics with accessible staff. The turnover is eating at me. I'm tired of being half naked on an examining table only for someone new to walk in and have a look at my lady parts. I'm sick of fellows and residents making decisions about my care all of the time. I hate that they only do three day transfers. I feel like we could get a lot of information by trying to culture a couple more days. The new clinic director used to run his own clinic - it bore his name. The stats at that place were abominable. 29% for women under 35. I wouldn't have stepped foot in that clinic and that dude isn't coming near my embryos again. Our transfer was full of tension because the old guy couldn't find where everything was. I can't shake the feeling that something went wrong that day. And you know what else? He put the speculum in and TWICE he let go of it when he was searching for buttons on the ultrasound machine. That effing hurts! The nurse actually made a little gasp and looked up at me the first time he let go.

Yes it's right across the street from my office, yes they had great stats in the past, yes I've bonded with some of the staff, and yes they are a big name, but my gut is telling me to run. J and I agreed in the beginning of this journey to go by the rule of threes. We did the three inseminations and we've now completed two fresh cycles. We intend to do a frozen, but if we need to do another fresh and it doesn't work out, we don't want to look back and wonder if we should have gotten another opinion. It's time for fresh eyes.

Which brings me to my questions. Have any of you ever had to move frozen embryos to another clinic in the area? How did that work? We're likely going to end up in a clinic 30 minutes from our current one. J is really anxious about this part. So is my mother for that matter. I'm pretty sure there is a solution. People must do this all of the time. We're pretty set on a clinic, but if you have any recommendations in the Triangle area I'd love to hear them. My final question is how to tell your clinic you're transferring care and how best to make sure all of your records get transferred. I'm one of those idiots who doesn't like to hurt feelings. I know - get over it. I don't mind when my patients get a second opinion, but they are usually passive aggressive about it and just end up disappearing. I'm going to have to say something and I don't know what to say!

I Am Just Too Obnoxious

IVF #2 is proving to be rough.  I don’t know if it’s because of the drugs or because of the emotions involved.  I’m thinking it’s more of the latter.  

On Sunday, I burst into tears at the grocery store for no apparent reason.  When I got home, I burst into tears again over bursting into tears at the store.  Last night, I had the giggles and the sense of humor of a 6^th grade boy.  I was turning anything and everything I heard on TV into a double entendre and laughing my head off at how funny I was.  J was just laughing at me laughing.  The jokes were really not funny.  Today, I am so freakin’ crabby that I don’t even want to be around myself.  I have gone into the bathroom to cry a few times.  Just little tears, no ugly crying.  An example of my ugliness?  It is my research day and one of my coworkers suggested I see one of her patients for her.  It took everything I had not to go into a raging “DON’T TAKE MY RESEARCH TIME FROM ME YOU EVIL BITCH” fit.  She really thought she was doing me a favor.  There was no bitch intent.

Physically, I’ve managed to get a bruise in every injection spot.  Sunday night, I bolted up in bed at 5 AM to throw up and eventually woke up with a raging headache and the shakes.  Methinks the physical stuff is because I got a bit cocky since things went so smoothly last round and didn’t drink the water I should have.  Yesterday I substituted a bottle with Gatorade and have been feeling fine since.

But it gets worse, friends.  It gets worse.  Last night, I had dinner with a lovely single friend.  She has the worst luck finding men.  She was asking if I had run into anyone worth setting her up with lately, and all I could think of were the two fellows at my clinic.  She works for the same hospital, they are really nice guys – it would be perfect!  Very obnoxious of me, right?  Now, I have no idea if these guys are single or not and have no idea how to find out.  There really is no opportune moment or good way to ask when they are all up in your lady parts.  When the IVF nurse called to confirm my appointment today, I thought about asking her.  Then I thought the best bet might be to ask one of the CMAs when they are doing a blood draw.  They’d probably just laugh at me.  What do you think?  To obnoxious or do I play matchmaker?

Why I Almost Cried In The Bathroom At Office Max

Today, while the hubmeister and I were shopping for his new home office, I got a little teary.  Was Office Max full of infants?  No.  Did I have a moment of sadness because the new office is going in a potential nursery?  No.  I cried because I got my period... and these were tears of joy.

I wasn't happy because CD 1 means we can get IVF #2 going.  I was teary because I just stumbled upon my period.  It wasn't heralded by a very real need for a Vicodin to avoid a day in the fetal position.  I didn't have four days of spotting to let me know it was coming.  I just went to the bathroom and there it was.  Friends, I have had zero pain.  ZERO.  I'm shocked, amazed, and thankful.  I was able to work on the new room and shop all day and I was so happy to be doing so.

I had no idea that it was supposed to be like this.  It's not even an issue.  It's like... well... it's like what the nuns told us it was going to be like back in 5th grade.  So here's my PSA:  If you think that "womanly flow" is akin to more of a Mount Vesuvius and molten lava event than a stream, you should mention it to your doctor.  If the start of your period means you fear a #2 because you know it's going to hurt like a mother, you should mention it to your doctor.  If the first person to give you prescription pain meds for your period was your pediatrician, you should mention it to your doctor.

The surgery was completely worth the lack of pain I'm now feeling.  Even if it doesn't help my fertility, I'm so glad I did it.  So glad.

Hooray Hooray For Q&A

We had a really good visit with the RE today.  I actually feel like he answered all of our (current) questions... because I actually bucked up and asked them!  Go figure.

He told us that the endo was the worst on my bladder, surprisingly.  That was that only thing I didn't have symptoms for!  Now that it's removed, I'm hoping that I can have some time sans constant peeing... at least until I get pregnant, right?  One can only hope!  Anyways, he thinks the pain I'm still experiencing will go away with my next period and he's "anxious to see how it goes."  Well isn't that just nifty.  I guess we're all awaiting AF with baited breath.  He guessed that we have a window of about a year before it starts to come back, and that fertility treatment might speed that up a bit.

Gratuitous puppy pile just so I can say, "Look!  A plethora!"
Image Credit

As usual, he gave us the treatment option smorgasbord.  I realize I need to give him a pseudonym.  I think I shall call him, Dr. Plethora because of all of the options he is constantly throwing at us.  There - he's named. We talked about doing a few months with Depot Lupron.  He told us there was some evidence that it could help with an IVF cycle and we could do it if we wanted.  I cornered him on this one.  I was concerned about the symptoms and he said that we could do add-back to avoid some of that.  So I asked if he thought it would really help in our situation.  He FINALLY gave us his actual opinion.  In our situation, it isn't worth the time.  That if I had stage 4 endo he would push for it, but with stage 2, he thinks the help would be marginal.  So we're skipping it and I might revisit it as a pain treatment when we're done with the baby making.  We'll see.

I also asked him about all the endometriosis diet stuff I see, because no fatty wants to limit her eating that much unless the doctor tells her to.  He said that there are things all over our environment that our bodies treat as estrogen (soaps, shampoos, plastics, stuff in the water, all kinds o'crap) and that just limiting certain foods would have such a very minor impact, that it isn't worth it.  There's no way you could avoid things in the world enough to change the estrogenic response in the body.  I was happy to hear that.  What the hell would I eat?  And no wine for the rest of my life?  Shoot me now!

He was very kind and sympathetic and really wanted to make sure we were doing okay emotionally.  He said, "This is not fun stuff to go through by any means and you guys have been through a lot."  It was nice, but I couldn't stop thinking that there are a lot worse things we could have faced at this point.  While never being remotely pregnant makes me sad, I do realize how grateful I am that I haven't suffered a loss.  I see how strong the women in our community are when they experiences losses and I just don't think I could be as strong.  They are the true warriors if you ask me.  Anyway, we're feeling really hopeful right now.  It's good.

As soon as AF rears her head, I'll start BCPs again for IVF #2 - this time WITH ICSI.  We will do another antagonist cycle since I made plenty of mature eggs on it.  He's hopeful that the ICSI will give us more embryos and that cleaning out the endo will give us better quality embryos.  Sounds like a plan to me! And if you're here from ICLW... What up?

The Anxiety Game

Welcome to the Infertility Anxiety Game!  Here's your host, Random Information!

My RE happened to call today to talk about my biopsy results and said I don't have to come in for the post op since I'm doing fine.  I'm back to exercising - it just still freakin hurts when I pee!  Anyway, the biopsy showed some plasma cells.  Not a lot, just a few.  So it could be that I have chronic endometritis or it could be that I don't.  He wants to treat it anyway because it's not going to hurt anything.  So a month of Doxy it is.  Whoopie!  That's the only thing he had a definitive opinion on.  Seriously, I just wish a doctor would tell me what to do!

So he said we can do whatever we want at this point.  We can try on our own for a bit, we can do an ovulation induction cycle, we can do an FET with our lonely embryo, or we can so a fresh cycle.  I was dumbfounded.  I asked why we would want to try on our own and he said that some people want to do that after a lap just in case it worked well enough to allow for a natural pregnancy and that was fine.  It made me a little nauseous to think about being back at the beginning.  I feel like we had to fail and fail and fail before we had an option to do something that had a chance at actually working.  My FSH is 11.6, I'm 34 years old, we had shitty fertilization, I know the lap gives us a certain time window... why would I want to start at square one?  He said that we shouldn't count out IUIs or natural pregnancy based on the fert rate.  I didn't really understand his rationale.  Something about there being lots of reasons why that could have happened?  Children were screaming in the hallway and I was overwhelmed at the moment so I didn't really wrap my head around it.

I said, "We were prepared to do another fresh cycle, and we have insurance coverage for it."  He said, "Well, your best chance is always going to be IVF and it's hard to argue against it when you have coverage."  So that's what we're doing.  But he wants to sit down with us next week to talk about possibly doing a few months with Depot Lupron.  Oh, and since I haven't had a prolonged temp rise and I gave up on OPKs, if my period doesn't start by Wed I'm supposed to call for Provera.  So here's the anxiety list as it stands.

• My poop chute after a month on Doxy.
• Will insurance still cover ART since I've had a lap?
• Why haven't they finished processing the claim for the lap and hysteroscopy anyway?  That's way more money than I have.
• Will insurance cover ICSI since I'm not going to not do that this time?
• Would Lupron really help or is it just wasting time, sanity, and clean armpits in my clothes?
• Why does peeing still hurt if the culture was clear?
• Will this weight ever come off?
• How soon until the endo comes back?
• What if my period starts before my appointment?  Do I call and see if I'm supposed to start BCPs?
• What if I need Provera?  How long until my period starts?
• How bad is this period going to suck?
• Am I being melodramatic?  Should I just wait and see right now?  Am I pushing things by going straight back into IVF?
• Will I ever have a freakin' baby?

Oh darlings. Some input from my bloggy sisters would be awesome!

Lap Date

Nothing at all like a lap dance.

Finally heard from my RE!  Lap will be happening on June 1st.  J and I decided that the long term risks of using Lupron were more likely to happen than any long term risks from the lap.  I didn't want to take it unless I knew I had to.  So, they will do the lap and the biopsy at the same time. 

I don't know if I want them to find something or not.  Scratch that.  I want them to find nothing, we do ICSI on the next cycle, we get an awesome fert rate, gorgeous embies that decide to stick around, a healthy take home baby, and a solution to all of life's problems. 

The End.

Jiminy Christmas

My RE called last night for an impromptu WTF.  I certainly don't mind the phone call vs office visit scenario.  He's kind of socially awkward and seems to do better on the phone.  Also, I'm down with the lack of copay for these phone calls.

He was so kind.  He genuinely seemed very surprised by our poor fertilization and negative beta.  He said we would definitely do ICSI, but that there was no guarantee that it would fix things for us.  He wants to do an endometrial biopsy, which seems to be pretty standard after a failed IVF, so while I'm certainly  not psyched about it, I will sign up for more cervical suction cups and catheters.

Then he started talking about the endo issue.  About 10 years ago, I had symptoms that led my then Gyno to suspect endometriosis. She put me on the pill and there I sat.  Truth be told, I had symptoms long before that, but I also had an asshat for an Gyno when I was young and naive who said "Yup, periods hurt."  He was a dude.  Surprised?  Anyway, they have never seen any evidence of endo on my ovaries, so they assumed that if it were endo, it couldn't be severe.  He said that there is a chance that I could have severe endo that just isn't on my ovaries, and while it would be rare, it could affect egg quality and fertilization rates.  He didn't come out and say it, but I think the fact that we had a few fertilize, ended up with a couple of embryos, and I didn't get pregnant leads him to think this is an egg issue and not some subtle sperm issue.

So he wants to do one of two things.  Either assume I have endo and put me on Lupron for 2 1/2 months or do a lap.  I was down for the lap right then and there.  For one thing, I need to know.  For another, I ain't takin' something as evil as Lupron without knowing if I really need it or not.  For a third, I have a big history of early onset osteoporosis in my family that includes my mother.  I do NOT need to encourage that shit and I certainly don't need to shrink for the love of all that is good and holy.  No Sally Field meds to be added to my cocktail, thank you very much.

He didn't want me to make any decisions yet.  He wanted us to sit on it for a bit and then come in and talk to him about all the pros and cons.  He's never seemed very psyched about the thought of a lap and hasn't come out and said why.  Before it was just that he thought IVF would circumvent the issue, but he doesn't have that to fall back on anymore.  He said any surgery was a big deal and the Lupron is a big deal too.  I send babies off to surgery on a daily basis so maybe that's why I'm a little desensitized to the whole surgery thing, I don't know.  He kept talking about how emotional this all is and that we just had a big blow.  While I appreciate the sentiment, all I kept thinking was that it was one of a million other nasty blows and we just want to keep chugging along.  He recommended seeing their therapist and I thought that was a good idea.  Lord knows I'm as anxious as all get out these days. 

The RE kept repeating, "The biggest predictor of outcome is age and you have that on your side."  I wanted to yell, "FOR HOW LONG!?"  I turned 34 a month ago.  The magic number will be here before I know it.  Every time we make a decision, another cycle goes by before we can act on it and another month is lost.

I just hate wasting time.  I feel like there will be an end to all of this at some point and I want to get there.  Whether that's end comes with a baby or not... I just want to know what's on the other side.  I want to stop hurting.  I want to see my husband enjoy 24 whole hours of happiness.  I want my life to revolve around something else.

If you've gotten this far, I appreciate it and apologize for your eye strain.  Got any advice?  To Lap or to Lup?

Transfer Day

It was a weird morning.

My cell went off before my alarm, and when I looked at the screen I saw it was the clinic.  My heart lept into my throat, thinking they were calling to tell us that no embryos survived and that we shouldn't come in.  I answered, and instead it was the RE on call, who would be doing our transfer, asking us to come in early because he had somewhere to get to.  Whew!  So we brushed our teeth and off we went.

We went straight back and I had some acupuncture.  This was my first time with the needles and all that jazz and I've gotta be honest, I wasn't a fan.  Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of the fact that I suck at relaxing, but I had an impossible time quieting my mind.  She had headphones on me with this new age music going and all I could think was "Has it been 30 minutes yet?  Has it been 30 minutes yet?  Has it been 30 minutes yet?"

The doctor came in, we'll call him Dr. Huggie, to explain that two of the fertilized eggs didn't divide at all.  He put his hand on my leg and squeezed.  It was kind of creepy.  He looked me in the eye and said very directly, "Three have made it, which means that the other two have died."  I didn't really know how to respond to that, so I said, "Okay."  So then he offered us the option of transferring all three or freezing one.  No thanks on the three!  Did you not notice that I'm under 5 feet?  What if all three took!  Good Lord!  He thought two was a wise decision, but I guess he had to offer it.  I asked if the third was still of decent quality and he said, "Oh sure!  But if we do end up doing future cycles, you'll want to use it as a store to add to." 

They took us back to the procedure room, and I didn't even have to drink anything to get a full bladder.  I'm just that awesome with my mini-bladder.  Our embies were on the screen and it was really cool to see!  I knew that they weren't as fantastic looking as I've seen on the internets.  Not as bad as the bad examples, but certainly not the textbook examples I've seen.  I asked about the grading, since all we knew was that there was a 7 cell and a 6 cell.  Dr. Huggie was very evasive.  He just said, "Oh, she does that in the lab, but I don't even pay any attention to it.  They're fine.  Some perfect embryos don't result in a pregnancy and some ugly embryos turn into some really beautiful kids."  Ummmm, okay? 

So we did the transfer, ultrasound guided so we got to see them being "launched."  He gave me a hug (Swear.  I've just met this man.) and told us he'd pray for us.  This IS the south, so that's not all that creepy.  I thought it was nice.

We went back to the holding area and I had the second half of the acupuncture.  This time I opted against the music and she let J stay in the room.  The sound of the AC was way better than that music.  J closed his eyes and I closed mine and it was much more relaxing.  I still don't think I'd do it again, though.

And now, we wait!  I'm the most pregnant I've ever been.  I know a 6 cell and a 7 cell aren't the best, and they aren't gorgeous, but they're what we've got.  My beta should be on Mother's Day.  I'm hoping they reschedule that.  Yowza.  Here are the kids!

Oh, and PS: PIO shots aren't as bad as the internets will make you believe.  I think they are way harder on my husband than they are on me.