Rough Day

I will get through today.  I will focus on the happy and I will get through today... after I lay all of this out in the blogosphere.

I've been struggling the last few weeks with infertility demons.  It seems that everyone and their sisters, even the infertile ones, are having their second babies.  It hurts way more than I thought it would.

I'm happy with our family of three.  I know that the embryo we have  on ice is very unlikely to stick.  I know that I do not want to go through the rigmaroles of IVF again.  I know we had extremely poor fertilization.  I know there were likely implantation issues.  I know the realities of the situation and yet, it hurts so much to know that my family building choices are not my own.

Chipmunk is amazing.  I want to give her everything I can, and I can't give her a sibling.  I know there is no guarantee she'd want a sibling or even like one she ended up with, but the choice is out of my hands.  It's the one thing most people can give to their children that I can't.

All of this is compounded by my coworker who is in labor right now.  She's chosen a name.  The same name we planned to give a boy if Chipmunk were a boy.  The name that has come to represent the child we couldn't have.  The one we mourn in our own way.  Now I have to hear that name every day and meet a child that it now belongs to.  A child that deserves to be celebrated.

I feel so selfish for even feeling this way.  We are so amazingly blessed.  We really truly are.  I have a child for crap's sake.  A child I didn't think I'd be able to every have, and she's amazing as all get out.  I just can't shake this sadness lately and I don't know how to get a grip.