Negative

Nothing but a bunch of white space. This is hitting especially hard because it suddenly feels like a new layer. We can't do it on our own, we can't do it with a little help. We need a lot of help. There are no more layers after IVF on the biological child onion for us and that scares the crap out of me.

Me, Feet, and My Ute

How do these things all go together, you may ask?

Well, the first two are related to my participation in Belle's March Photo Challenge.  I'm really excited about this.  I used to to photography all the time and I got kind of burnt out on it.  It's one of those hobbies you shouldn't tell people about because the next thing you know, you're taking pictures of every random event under the sun for people... for no monies.  So yesterday was a self-portrait.  Since I'm anonymous, all you get is my eye.

 Today's assignment was feet.  I HATE feet.  I don't like to look at them, I don't like to touch them, I don't want them on me.  Eww.  They give me the heebie jeebies in ways I can't describe.  So I decided that I would take a photo using the one set of feet I can stand... my dog's!  When she was a puppy, she had one pink pad on this foot.  It was so cute.  You can still see a little bit of pink on it, but it's pretty much black at this point.

This is so fun!  Thanks, Belle, for putting this together!

IUI was this morning.  Everything went fine.  MUCH better than last time.  After J did his thing we went and had a nice breakfast together.  He was in such a good mood and it was contagious.  We had a great time in spite of our circumstances.  Dr. Ultrasound did the deed this time and he offered to let J "pull the trigger" on the syringe.  He declined, but I thought it was really sweet.  I don't know if we've been around the clinic so much now that the staff feels familiar with us or if they're starting some new initiative, but everyone kept wishing us luck.  It felt good.  I liked it.  I'm bringing hope back. :)

Maybe If I Run A Marathon...

If you're here from ICLW, welcome!  You can visit the our journey page to catch up.  All caught up?  Good.

I had my baseline ultrasound for IUI #3 yesterday and we're good to go.  There are two fellows who do the IUIs and ultrasounds and I tend to get the same guy for ultrasounds and the other guy (Dr. Texas) for IUIs.  So Dr. Ultrasound was shocked to see me - apparently he really did think I'd be getting pregnant with triplets last month.  Ha ha!  Fooled him!  Anyway, I think he's afraid I'm going to cry on him since I cried after my first baseline ultrasound.  Poor guy.  I only cried because he benched me for a cyst.  I finally got to come to the playground to play and he told me I had to take my ball and go home.  I'm tougher now, dude!  He kept saying, "Don't think about the month to month odds.  You'll just get depressed.  Think cumulatively.  You've been responding well.  This could still work."  God love 'im and his optimism.  I had a resident doing the actual ultrasound this time.  She needs to way be speedier.  Someone should give her a date with Wanda and maybe she'll learn that lesson.

Now we're on to the insurance fight for drugs.  It's not starting well, but if I type about that right now I will launch my keyboard through my monitor.  Menopur needs to be here by Friday.  Who thinks it will even be approved by then.  Show of hands.  Anybody?

J was talking about how he thinks he's going to start saving for a BMW.  Then, as soon as he's close to having a down payment, I'll end up pregnant it he will have to spend that money on baby stuff.  I thought it was good logic.  Murphy's law and all, right?  If you plan for something, it will get all messed up.  I planned for a baby and that's all messed up.  My coworkers and I were talking about running today and some races that are coming up.  I think I'll register for a marathon.  Okay, maybe a half-marathon.  Then, right in the middle of training, I'll get pregnant. 'Cuz.... I really want to run a marathon... (insert as much sarcasm as you can muster here)

Have I totally lost my marbles yet?

Let Me Shake Things Up A Little

BFN!

I feel like we haven't seen a post like that in awhile!  I'm super happy for all of my girls who've had BFPs lately.  Y'all seem to be coming out of the woodwork!

I had a BFN this morning, but we saw that coming, so I'm not flipping out or sad.  My RE called me yesterday to check in (Love that guy.  Somehow his southern accent makes everything sound better.  Most men have a southern accent that makes them sound stupid).  Anywho.  One more crack at this IUI thing and then we shall regroup.  I'm hoping that if it doesn't work we can just go on to IVF.  Obviously ovulation isn't the problem and I'd rather not dink around with a full on injectable cycle. I'm getting 4-5 follies on a pill/injectable combo.

Yes, I Am That B@*%h

You all are about to find out some not so nice things about me.  J gave me permission to post this info because this blog is my outlet and I promised to blog all the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This is ugly and I'm not apologizing for it.

When J gave his first sample for an SA at the clinic, there was serious performance anxiety.  To the point that the doctor actually called us and said that there was "no way in hell" that we would get pregnant on our own.  Turns out J just couldn't do it in the office.  He was distracted by hearing the nurses outside the room and he's "just not that into himself" if you know what I mean.  So we collected a second sample at home and it was great.  Super sperm.  When we did our first IUI it was the weekend.  He armed himself with "entertainment" on his iPhone.  There was no one in the clinic that day.  The sample was smaller than that last time, but still, it was fantastic.

I was really nervous about this time.  I asked if he wanted to collect at home.  He said it would be fine.  I reminded him that this time would be a weekday and there would be loads of people in the clinic.  He said it would be fine.  I emailed him an article about things you can do to overcome "performance anxiety" when giving a sample in the clinic.  He didn't do them.  He said it would be fine.  I asked if he needed to download a fresh set of "entertainment."  He didn't.  He said it would be fine.  I asked if he wanted me to go back there with him.  He was that would be worse than doing it alone and that it would be fine.

It was not fine.

After sitting in the waiting room for him for an hour (!) I was feeling like I wanted to climb the walls.  He told me it didn't go well.  The performance anxiety was an issue as expected.

Our post was count was 240,000.  Yes, the coma is in the right place.  Yes, there are only 4 zeros.  Volume was 1/2 ML.  We still did it.  I mean, what the hell else were we supposed to do?

Here's the ugly.  I'm feeling no sympathy.  I'm pissed.

We went from being told we could have triplets to being told there was a less than 1% chance of success this cycle in a span of 2 days.  I made 5 freakin follicles.  I've been shot, I've had hot flashes, I've had mood swings, I've been dehydrated, I've gained weight, I've cried, I've cramped, I've left rehearsal to shoot myself in the bathroom.  I feel like this was completely avoidable.  He knew it could be an issue and he knew how to prevent it.  I feel like he let his pride get in the way.  I feel completely let down.  I feel incredibly disappointed.  I feel like my faith in him has been shaken.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way because it would be hard to be in his situation.  But I also know that we do not have an MFI issue and he created one for us yesterday.  And when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I would have been able to do it if I were in his situation.  Because I am a planner.  I see what the road blocks are and I make a plan B.  He took the risk of not following a plan B and he lost.  That was not the place to take a risk.

So I'm pissed.  And I know that's a dirty way to feel, but I want off of the effing train and I feel like J leaned against the door and blocked my exit.  I know I need to get over it.  So call me all the names you want, but I'm still pissed.

And so...

...we're off for another 3/4 clothed, not so romantic, pseudo-coital interlude.

Wish us luck!

Holy Crap on a Stick

Had my monitoring appointment today.  He started on the right and he said "Woah. Big response here.  Is this your first time adding injectables?"  Um, no.

He started counting... 14.5,  16, another 14.5, 18

I looked at the nurse (my favorite nurse) and said "He's still on the right?"  She just mumbled, "Mmmhmmm"

24 (!), 10

When the doc has to ask the nurse, "You've got 5 written down, right?  Aside from the 10?"  You know that isn't good.

He finished with the right and favorite nurse said "Please, tell me the left isn't doing anything."  He got to the left and just said "Thank God."

Enter small sigh of relief.

So we had to actually have a conversation about multiples.  I had to say I was comfortable talking about reducing to twins if we were to end up with triplets.  I'm only 4'11" so triplets are out of the question.  J wasn't there, and since we'd need to trigger tonight (hello, 24) I had to make a decision.  I decided to go for it.

He said had this cycle been purely injectables, we'd cancel it, but since I did a combo, chances of multiples are smaller.  He actually said "At your young age and with as healthy as your ovaries look, twins are a very real possibility."  It was really hard for me not to laugh.  Really dude?  If things are looking that rosy, why am I sitting here half naked right now at all.  I called J from the parking lot and we both agreed, the chances of me getting pregnant at all are still so slim that we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it.  I had 4 follicles last month and that didn't work - so what's one more?  The 14.5s probably won't go anyway, right?  Favorite nurse didn't seem to think so.

Obviously, ovulation is not the problem here.

So I trigger tonight (brought the shot with me so I can do it during rehearsal - weird) and we IUI it on Wednesday.

Why is this never friggin' straight forward AT ALL?

Nothing Important, Really

I've been sitting here staring at the screen, not knowing what to write.  This week has just seemed so hard.  I guess I had gotten my hopes up too much on the IUI.  The BFN was much harder than I had anticipated.  Having the period from hell hasn't helped my mood.

I've spent the tail end of this week dealing with my effing insurance company.  In the words of Nurse J "I hate insurance.  Just my personal opinion.  I know, it's a blessing when you have some coverage, but they are messing with your life!  How can they do that?"  My thoughts exactly Nurse J.  Anyway, my drugs have not been approved or denied... the approval is just sitting there in the hands of some random insurance company nurse.  Here's what's going down.  My RE's office calls insurance company to get approval for this cycle.  Nurse orders drugs through insurance company (yeah - not allowed to order from where I would like to order anymore).  Insurance company specialty pharmacy sends request to pre-cert department, pre-cert department notes that I already have approval and sends request to the infertility nurses who have final approval.  So even though I already have approval, a nurse employed by the insurance company gets to decide if what my PHYSICIAN has prescribed is really medically necessary.  But we don't need insurance reform in this country.

We pay so much for this insurance that at this point, it's the principle of the thing.  Between the out of pocket costs on the meds and the premium we pay we aren't coming out ahead, so it's not like I'm whining when I should just suck it up and be glad we have coverage.  I just want them to do what's right!  They keep telling me "It takes 24-48 hours to process an order."  WHY!?!?!?  This is a specialty pharmacy.  People need these meds NOW!  And, I start meds on CD3.  I don't know that I need them until CD1.  So how on God's earth am I supposed to be able to get meds in 48 hours if it takes that long to process the damned order?!?  No one seems to be able to answer that question.  The good news is that my RE's office had enough samples on hand to lend me enough to get me through the weekend.  If my order is approved, I'll reimburse them through that.  If it isn't, I'll pay out of pocket.  This is just so FRUSTRATING!!!!!

I have two concerts to sing this weekend and they involve a solo.  Here's to hoping I don't muck it all up since my head is in la la land right now.

Shit My Husband Says

Talked to the nurses.  It's fine that I tested on day 15 rather than 18 - she doesn't think I jumped the gun.  We're trying to get my meds ordered to go again, but Aetna is being a butt head and I'm pretty sure I have a cyst anyway so I'm not feeling overly anxious.  I think what sucks about a BFN is that you're faced with the whole cycle of grief all over again.  For me, it's a matter of facing denial again.  I have to admit, there was this little voice in the back of my head that said "There's nothing REALLY wrong with you.  You had four follies and there's nothing wrong with you, so now you're going to end up with quadruplets."  So when there's a great response to stims, your hubby gives you 20 mill post wash, a really nice doctor places those babies right up in there (supposedly next to at least one egg - if not 4), and you STILL get a BFN it's time to face the music.  There is in fact something really wrong with you.

But I'm feeling better, and I'm about to tell you why.  My husband (whom I will now call J because Mr. Right is a lame name) wrote a journal for himself today and emailed it to me.  He agreed to let me post it as a "guest blogger."  I think it's healthy to see a man perspective now and again.  Now, J actually writes as a hobby and had a screen play get awards and stuff, so don't get too attached to him... you're still stuck with me.  I'm feeling better because I'm married to him.  Yes, I waited a little longer than your average gal to find the right guy, but I'd rather be childless and married to him that have a bevy of munchkins and some d-bag to come home to every night.  At the end of the day, no matter what happens, I'm married to someone who loves me and gets it.  Eat your heart out ladies, I'm married to this:

Everything happens for a reason. Really?

I've heard this statement countless times and I'm sure that I've said it in passing on more than one occasion.

As of today, I'm never going to use this statement ever again.  It is my promise.  My word.  My bond.  Never again.

I understand the sentiment and I understand the reasoning behind it.  It's an attempt to explain a situation for which there is no sound reasoning or justification.

My wife, Lisa, is the most amazing person in the world.  I knew this fact  when I started dating her and this fact was affirmed the day I married her.  Ever since, we have embarked on a journey together to start a family and have our very own hapa (aka Swirlie).  Neither one of us really comprehended how difficult this journey was going to be.  Let me re-phrase.  Maybe she did.  She is, after all, smarter and more intuitive than I can ever hope to be.  I, on the other hand, just figured it would eventually work out for us.  I mean why wouldn't it.  We're both educated, responsible, and socially conscious people.  I recycle most of the time.  I've thought about slapping the stupid out of people, but I have yet to act on this impulse.  This is not to say that we are perfect...far from it.  But let's be honest, we're good people.  We do not deserve this and damn it, we deserve better.  She deserves better.

I understand this argument is completely irrational and not grounded on a single iota of factual data.  But I'm hurting and I'm allowed.  

By all accounts, the IUI cycle didn't take.  We knew the chances were small.  Something like 10% or less.  It was a shot in the dark, but it was a shot.  And as long as there is a shot, there is hope.  Therein lies the rub.  Hope cannot exist in a vacuum.  Where there is hope, there is also pain and disappointment.

This is the running dialogue I have in my head.

Me:  Yeah, the IUI cycle didn't take this time.  The test came back negative.

Random Person:  That's tough.  I'm sorry to hear that.

Me:  Thanks.  We're hopeful.  We're not giving up.

Random Person:  Everything happens for a reason.

Me:  Really?  Any clues -- jackass!

Everything does not happen for a reason.  Things happen.  It's life.  I can't explain it any better than that.  I wish I could.  I really do.

The one thing I can take from this is how unbelievably strong and gracious my wife has been throughout this entire process.  She rocks.  One day, I hope to be able to repay her in some way.  Until that day, I'm going to keep loving her the best I can.

BFN

And that's all I have to say about that.

Blah, blah, blah

TWWs suck. Living life two weeks at a time blows.

9dpiui and I've got nuttin.  My boobs aren't even sore and I've poked at 'em plenty.  I know, I know - that doesn't mean anything, but I figured I could at least hang my hat on some painful girls.

Sigh.

Basted

The deed has been done!

Our clinic was good enough to open today for us and two other couples who were ready for an IUI.  Dr. Texas from my HSG was the one performing the procedure today which was nice.  I like him.

We were really anxious and I was feeling crampy, which I guess is a good thing.  I wore my good socks.  I always wear good socks for anything involving stirrups.  God forbid I hike my dogs up there and one half painted "it's winter and she's given up" toenail pops out in protest.

We were the first to go (which makes us the first procedure of the new year, which is kind of awesome).  Husband went back to the "room of no happiness or joy."  He would like to make his own room for such procedures.  It will feature a mirror ball, stripper pole, and couch that is not glued to the wall.  Anywho, he did an excellent job.  84% motility and a post wash count of 61 million.  Yeah, not his issue apparently.

When we went back to do the deed, he matched my bracelet to the sticker on the sample and all that.  It was one of those moments I was thankful that I changed my name.  Names match, this vial goes with this vagina.  No offense to the two dudes in the waiting room, but I did not want to have a baby with them.  Ours will be the half Asian one, thank you very much.

It went off without a hitch.  I was nervous after reading over at The Cornfed Feminist.  It was quick and easy, he held my hand the whole time, and then we hung out for 15 minutes and tried to make small talk. Then we went to Moe's for some Close Talkers.  Yum.  I wish I had some romantic story to give, but there really isn't one to be had.  The whole thing is odd.  It just is what it is.

I'm glad it fell on a holiday.  We have the whole day to hang out together, which is really nice.  I feel like we did everything we could and I responded well... it's out of our hands now.  I have 18 days (!) on the prometrium suppositories (which I am so not excited about) before we are supposed to test.  Husband put a countdown on his phone and said I'm not allowed to test before then.

The instruction sheet informs us that "many of the symptoms of PMS mimic pregnancy, so please be cautious about any symptoms you may experience."  I'm wondering if they've ever actually known woman with infertility.  Hmmmm.

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation...

This will probably be long, let me just put that out there before you get too invested.

I promise I kept up will all of my blog friends on my reader on my phone while I was gone.  I've got some commenting to do!

I had all of these grand plans to blog away while I was at my mom's house... and I didn't.  It's a little house!  I didn't want her nosy self looking over my shoulder. 

Okay, what else?  Did you know that you can bring vials of meds and needles through airport security and no one even asks you what they are for, but if you bring a pasta maker through, you will get searched?  Death by fettuccine!

I was able to connect with some old friends and a cousin I'd kind of lost touch with so that was really super great.  I'm pretty open with the infertility thing, especially after I've tossed a few back, so it's nice to be able to talk about it with people who have known me forever and ever.  My experience has been that people are really kind for the most part.  One of those people I hung out with, though, was my BFF.  If you've been reading my blog, you know that she was less than supportive about us seeking treatment and we haven't talked about it since.  I made her talk to me about it while I was home, and let me tell you... this is going to piss you all off.  Here we go:

She told me that she got pregnant with both of her kids on Clomid.  Yes, she did get pregnant the first month she got of the pill, yes she was on Clomid.  She got on the pill because of irregular periods.  Not like PCOS irregular, just irregular like off by a week or so.  Somehow, she got her doctor to give her Clomid without even trying drug free first because she didn't want to deal with irregular periods, and got pregnant right away both times.  She said, "Yup, took it 10 days and bam I was pregnant."  After I picked my jaw up and stopped trying to do the head scratching math, I heard her go on and on about the hot flashes.  They were apparently the end of the world.  W... T.... F... I've decided she just does not get it AT ALL!  It's a shame, but it is what it is.  We were out for drinks and I mentioned that part of the issue is probably that we are getting up there in age and she loudly proclaimed that I was full of shit.  My single friend who is a month younger than me backed me up and reminded her that it's something we all need to think about, but she wasn't havin' it.  Just get yourself some Clomid, y'all!  ugh.

On to me and my pill popping/shooting up.  No biggie!  Did the pills, did the shots, I'm a little uncomfortable and crampy, but it's not that big of a deal.  The great news is that I had the ultrasound today and I have four follies.  15, 16, 18, and 19.  My lining is trilaminar. We get to trigger tomorrow and do the IUI on Monday!  The clinic is closed on that day, but since there are three of us who ended up needing an IUI then, one of the docs is going to come in and get it taken care of for us.  Yay!  I'm feeling hopeful.  Trying not to be too hopeful, but right now, it feels good to be positive.

I'll leave you with this convo of the week:
Him (after giving me an injection): Did that hurt?
Me: Not really.  It did burn some, but I didn't even feel it when you put it in.  You're a good stick.
Him: Ah, just what every man wants to hear.

I Know I Should Ask My Doctor, But I Like Your Answers Better

Here's the deal.  When I had my FSH tested on day three in September, it was 10.  Flat out 10.0.  As borderline as it gets.  My doc said it was, "Ooookaaay" and that was that.  When I went home and put it in my google machine and I flipped, but didn't bring it up again because I was afraid of being high maintenance.

Now, we're doing the IUI deal with 11-13% chance of success each cycle.  Smashing, yes?  He recommended two cycles and then reconoiter.  We have insurance coverage (We are very blessed and do not take it for granted.), but they require three IUIs before they will pay for ART. So, since we have no money, we're going for the IUIs, knowing that chances are pretty slim.  Since I've gotten a cyst without even stimming, I'm thinking we will need to take breaks between cycles which would slow us down. 

I know, I know, cart before the horse and all that stuff, but should I be concerned that my FSH is going to skyrocket in the next several months?  My ovulation date has been steadily moving out - from day 12 to day 19 this last cycle, so that has me a little nervous.  Thoughts?

The Depths of My Neuroses

Okay, maybe not the depths because I can assure you it gets way crazier, but here's a current sample.

Remember when I went for my baseline ultrasound before we were benched for our IUI this cycle and I said I probably wouldn't be able to start the next cycle because we would be at my mother's house when we needed to be monitored?  Well, since my body sucks, my ovulation date keeps moving out farther and farther.  This month, my temperature chart has looked like a constellation of stalactites, probably from the cyst, so I'm guessing there isn't a very cushy home in there.  So between the old egg and crusty uterus, I'm pretty sure our "dating" attempts this week are a moot point.

Now, I know some of you who read this blog don't ovulate regularly and are thinking "Wait, that bitch ovulates?  Why is she already planning the next cycle?  What a downer!  Isn't she just going to hang out and wait for a BFP to see if this one takes?  Come on!  Be grateful!"  Well, ovulation is not my issue.  I appear to ovulate every stupid month.  It's either endo or shitty eggs or a combo of the two.  Or maybe my husband's sperm are allergic to my eggs, who knows.  But at this point, I feel like ovulating is a cruel joke.

Okay, back to the point.  Since my ovulation date was pushed out, it's possible... just a little bit... that if the stars align, my LP is the typical 15 days it usually is, my cyst is gone, and my RE's office is open on the Friday before and the Monday after New Years we might be able to do this thing!  It's a big laundry list, but it could happen right?

At the same time, I'm wondering if maybe there's a snowballs chance in hell that the stars aligned in a different manner and we actually made a friggin baby.  Not that I have any symptoms, it's only 3 or 4 DPO, but my husband wants sushi this weekend and that sounds fantastic to me.  Plus it's my department Christmas party Saturday.  I will REALLY need a glass of wine or 4 to get through that night.  Drink 'til it's pink?  Anybody?

On another note: WHAT IS UP WITH MY SITCOMS SUDDENLY TALKING ABOUT INFERTILITY?!?!?  Whitney?  How I Met Your Mother?  You have forsaken my nights of laughter.  I'm glad you're bringing attention to things, but poop on you for the forsakening.

She's Here! She's Here!

I've never been so excited about getting my period in my life. Let's do this thing!

And yes, I have blog template ADD. :)

My Medicine Cabinet Runneth Over

The drugs are here!

But first, an explanation on my absence.  I went to the doctor on Friday for the UTI deal, and I was all clear!  She told me that I either cleared it on my own or I was having early pregnancy symptoms.  Told you she's a crazy wench. I was only 10 DPO, so it was too early to test and I spent the whole weekend analysing everything and being so hopeful.  I peed on plenty of sticks, they were all as blank as can be.  AF was supposed to come today, and of course is taking her sweet time.  I've got the headache, though, so I'm expecting her tomorrow.  And there was nice blank pee stick this morning just in case I wanted to continue my hopefest.  So anyway, I was too busy peeing on sticks to blog, I suppose. 

Oh, and I've suddenly got sciatica pain.  Anyone had that with endo?  Dr. Google says it could happen.  I'll see if it happens next month.  No wait - let's put positive thoughts out there.  AF will not come next month. :)

Anywho, it's a good thing my BIL knows now!  He is a pharmacy tech, which came in handy today.  He stops by the house on occasion while we're at work to play with the dog and just have a place to hang between his classes.  He sent me a text today that said, "Hey, you got a package that says it needs refrigeration.  Want me to open it and put it in the fridge?"  It was nice to be able to warn him what it was and ask him to open it, figure out what goes in the fridge, and put it in there for us.  Helpful BIL!

But, holy giant confusing box, Batman!  It feels like it's been so long since our nursing visit that I forgot what I needed!  They sent us a Follistim pen, when I'm not taking Follistim, so that didn't help the confusion factor any.  I started to panic a little because I couldn't remember all the details. 

Me:  I'm supposed to do two of those suppositories a day?  There's no applicator!  Do I have to do them at the same time?
Mr. Right:  No, I remember she said to space them out.  It's not like you're a friggin' Pez dispenser.

After I figured out that some of the needles were for the Follistim pen I didn't need, I got it all sorted out and accounted for.  Come on AF, let's get this show on the road!

Needles and Pills and Wands... Oh My!

We learned how to reconstitute and give shots today. Not something that was on my to do list for life, I must say! Our nurse was so friendly and upbeat. She really helped make it not so bad. As did the constant flow of candy on the day after Halloween. :)

So here's the lowdown:

CD 2 or 3: Ultrasound (Can I get an Eww!?!?)
CD 3-7: 5 mg (two pills) Letrozole
CD 7-9: 150 IU Menopur
Ultrasound on CD 12 or 13.
Ovidrel depending on what the ultrasound says
IUI 36 hours later
14 days of Prometrium suppositories

Honestly - the Prometrium bugs me more than anything else. Anyone willing to share some tips on that?

Mr. Right demonstrated some good syringe skills, so I'm feeling good about letting him shoot me. We've got 10 pills and 4 shots in this line up - not too bad.