A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I walked down the aisle towards my future with the most incredible man I've ever known.  After a lifetime of dates requiring rescue calls from roommates, and way too many nights at home alone with Ben & Jerry, I'd finally found my prince.  It was a beautiful day that I will never forget, spent with our nearest and dearest.  A day full of love, light, and comfort.

Our first year of marriage hasn't been what we expected, but I don't think we would change it.  We've had a crash course in communication, trust, compassion.  We're learning what we're made of before some couples have figured out where to keep the Kitchen-Aid.  We have many more wonderful years ahead of us.

We were on a swing.  I know you thought we were magically suspended in mid-air.

Transfer Day

It was a weird morning.

My cell went off before my alarm, and when I looked at the screen I saw it was the clinic.  My heart lept into my throat, thinking they were calling to tell us that no embryos survived and that we shouldn't come in.  I answered, and instead it was the RE on call, who would be doing our transfer, asking us to come in early because he had somewhere to get to.  Whew!  So we brushed our teeth and off we went.

We went straight back and I had some acupuncture.  This was my first time with the needles and all that jazz and I've gotta be honest, I wasn't a fan.  Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of the fact that I suck at relaxing, but I had an impossible time quieting my mind.  She had headphones on me with this new age music going and all I could think was "Has it been 30 minutes yet?  Has it been 30 minutes yet?  Has it been 30 minutes yet?"

The doctor came in, we'll call him Dr. Huggie, to explain that two of the fertilized eggs didn't divide at all.  He put his hand on my leg and squeezed.  It was kind of creepy.  He looked me in the eye and said very directly, "Three have made it, which means that the other two have died."  I didn't really know how to respond to that, so I said, "Okay."  So then he offered us the option of transferring all three or freezing one.  No thanks on the three!  Did you not notice that I'm under 5 feet?  What if all three took!  Good Lord!  He thought two was a wise decision, but I guess he had to offer it.  I asked if the third was still of decent quality and he said, "Oh sure!  But if we do end up doing future cycles, you'll want to use it as a store to add to." 

They took us back to the procedure room, and I didn't even have to drink anything to get a full bladder.  I'm just that awesome with my mini-bladder.  Our embies were on the screen and it was really cool to see!  I knew that they weren't as fantastic looking as I've seen on the internets.  Not as bad as the bad examples, but certainly not the textbook examples I've seen.  I asked about the grading, since all we knew was that there was a 7 cell and a 6 cell.  Dr. Huggie was very evasive.  He just said, "Oh, she does that in the lab, but I don't even pay any attention to it.  They're fine.  Some perfect embryos don't result in a pregnancy and some ugly embryos turn into some really beautiful kids."  Ummmm, okay? 

So we did the transfer, ultrasound guided so we got to see them being "launched."  He gave me a hug (Swear.  I've just met this man.) and told us he'd pray for us.  This IS the south, so that's not all that creepy.  I thought it was nice.

We went back to the holding area and I had the second half of the acupuncture.  This time I opted against the music and she let J stay in the room.  The sound of the AC was way better than that music.  J closed his eyes and I closed mine and it was much more relaxing.  I still don't think I'd do it again, though.

And now, we wait!  I'm the most pregnant I've ever been.  I know a 6 cell and a 7 cell aren't the best, and they aren't gorgeous, but they're what we've got.  My beta should be on Mother's Day.  I'm hoping they reschedule that.  Yowza.  Here are the kids!

Oh, and PS: PIO shots aren't as bad as the internets will make you believe.  I think they are way harder on my husband than they are on me.

Now That I Have My Wits About Me...

I think I was just so anxious yesterday, and so chock full of estrogen, that I over reacted a bit to the fertilization report.  I have five freaking embryos!  That's so great!  Some women are not that lucky.  Yes, it wasn't the outcome I was hoping for, yes, a 19% fert rate blows, but at least we ended up with some hope in the end!  Now we know what's up with us and if we have to try again, we have a game plan.  But all isn't lost!  The clinic likes to leave the embies as they are and not disturb them, so we won't know the status of yesterday's 5-pack until we go in tomorrow morning.  All we need is one little booger (as my mother has dubbed them) to make it.

Thanks for all of the supportive comments.  I have not lost my mind yet!

A New Kind of "Unexplained"

When I have bad news to relay to a patient's family, I sit on it.  All day long it languishes on my "to-call" list until the last minute.  Apparently, REs do the same thing.

We wanted to avoid ICSI unless we really had to and there was no reason to believe we needed it.  I didn't like the increase in abnormalities (albeit very small) and if we could do one thing naturally in this process I wanted to do it.  So we had a semen profile where they went over J's sample with a fine toothed comb for any known issues that would result in a need for ICSI.  He passed with flying colors and we opted not to do ICSI.

All 26 eggs were mature, but only 5 fertilized.  He said there was no reason for it and just something that happens for some couples.  My eggs looked great and the sperm was perfect.  They were all still alive and kicking this morning, but for whatever reason, they just didn't fertilize.  The 5 embryos we do have looked good today, so we're still hopeful, but there probably won't be anything to freeze.  We're going to do a three day transfer on Sunday.

I asked if this was the reason for our infertility and he said that it most likely was.  He said that for that reason alone, having the answers, he thinks we made the right decision to not to ICSI.  I agree wholeheartedly.  And I know, we should be so happy to have 5.  Some people don't get that far, but I'm still in tears.

I spent years of heartbreak and soul searching to find my J.  I hate the feeling that no matter how much we love each other, our gametes don't really like each other much at all.

FOR THE LOVE!!!

I STILL have not gotten a fertilization report and I'm about to climb the walls.  I'm not sure which wall in my living room will be the easiest to scale, but you will likely find me on the ceiling soon.

We Done Got Retrieved!

26 eggs!  I'll write later with details for posterity.  I started typing them up, but apparently, I'm still out of it enough that I don't know the difference between spacebar and backspace.  Typing is a PITA.  But I'm feeling pretty good so far.  A little queasy so I just sent J out for crackers and Diet Sprite.

Trigger!

It was an eventful morning, to say the least!  They counted 40 follies.  Yes, I said 40.  22 of them are over 14, so he's estimating that's how many mature eggs we'll get.  Thank God for the Lupron trigger.  Surprisingly, I'm hardly uncomfortable at all.  I'm a bit bloated and my pants are tight.  Seat belts are less than fun, but that's about it!  Oh, it hurts to poop.  Forgot that.  I know you were dying to know.  Anwho, triggering tonight, along with my trigger sister MGG, and retrieval is scheduled for Thursday.  I had to divvy up my patients between my colleagues today.  They're psyched for us, but not so psyched to take on my caseload on top of their own.  C'est la vie!  They all have shiny happy babies!

My thoughts can best be summed up by recapping a conversation with my mom...

Mom: So how are you feeling about everything?
Me: A lot of things.
Mom: I'll bet.
Me:  I mean, they still haven't given me a diagnosis, so what if nothing fertilizes?  What if nothing divides?  What if I just have a bunch of empty follicles?  What if I do get pregnant and I hyperstimulate while I'm out of town next week? What if I have 40 embryos and a Catholic nightmare?  What if they accidentally transfer the embryo of the black couple who were getting their trigger instructions when I walked in?
Mom:  Yeah.  That's a lot of things that could happen, I guess.  Hey, did you see Smash last night?

My thoughts exactly.  It's too much crap to think about and I can't do a damned thing about any of it.  So let's just watch obnoxious TV and move on!

Actually, my cousin was on Smash last night, which is kind of awesome.  I didn't get to see it because I was at rehearsal.  Apparently, he's in the ballet scene and it totally cheesing it behind the main character.  I'm almost as excited to go home and watch it as I am to trigger!

As The Uterus Turns - Part 2

So, we're back up!  E2 is at 1971.  He actually said that was good!  Hopefully tomorrow we'll get word that we can trigger.  Fingers crossed!

Thanks for all of the positive words of wisdom!  You guys are awesome.

As The Uterus Turns... Part 1

So much for yesterday's optimism!  I got a call in the late afternoon that my E2 had only risen to 1300.  So we upped the dosage again and I had another blood draw today.  My estrogen isn't matching what's going on in my ovaries.  This is all just nuts and I don't know what to think anymore.  It's med day 10 for crap's sake!  Come on, body!  We know you suck, but can you just give me an effing break!?!?

Cookin' With Gas

Thanks for all of the positive comments.  I've come down off the ledge!

When I went to my ultrasound appointment today, I had a running list of questions in my head.  As soon as I heard Dr. Texas's voice in the hallway, I knew I didn't need my list.  That man is the best explainer ever.  I knew I would have all of my questions answered without even asking.  He asked how I was feeling and I said, "Well, I was feeling crampy and uncomfortable, but now I feel... well... normal."  He laughed and said, "I love when you guys complain about feeling normal.  You'd rather be bloated, constipated, and in pain. Maybe, we just have your dosage right."  Alright, we'll go with that.

It was SUPPOSED to be J's job to keep track of counting how many follicle diameters Dr. Texas was rattling off.  I didn't care too much about the sizes, just wanted a count.  Dr. Texas was talking to me about my estrogen and I wasn't keeping track of how many he was measuring.  So when he left, I asked J how many there were and he said, "Uhhh, a crap ton?  More than 12?"  Dude.  For real?  I'm thinking there were more than 20, but at this point, whatevs.  There were 2 measuring at 18 (J says there was one, but I'm not taking his word for it).  So things are moving!  I'm so happy!  Still waiting to hear was E2 was today.  I can't stop crying, so I'm guessing it's up.  They are thinking I will probably trigger Tuesday and have a Thursday retrieval.  Yippee!

The explanation I got was this... Well, first I got a little slap on the wrist for trying to look at info on the internet and getting myself all worried, THEN he gave me my explanation.  The goal in changing my meds was to encourage the big follies to keep growing and make the little ones calm down.  E2 looks like it stayed the same or even dropped a little because that happened.  Less follicles were dumping their tiny estrogen buckets into the big estrogen pool.  Only the bigger follicles were dumping their buckets, which is what we wanted to happen at that point.  I swear it made perfect sense when he was explaining it... while running the dildo cam.  It's a good thing I've gotten desensitized to these sorts of things.  "Let's discuss buckets and swimming pools... while I have a wand in your vagina."

Frustrated and Confused and... Roar

So I had my draw this morning and Estradiol came back at 1054.  So after the big freak out, it hadn't changed at all!  So now I'm to bump my meds back up and see what the ultrasound looks like tomorrow.  By the looks of my E2, things have kind of stalled.

I'm just confused about what's going on.  Things looked so promising the first scan and even my second was good.  Then the blood work got funk.  Is it the Cetrotide?  Should we not have bumped my stims down on the same day I added that in?  Am I going to be stimming for longer than expected?  Are things going to slow down altogether?  Am I'm being a total freak show and just need to chill?  Unfortunately I never think about these things when I have a doctor on the phone - only after I hang up.  Hopefully I have my wits about me tomorrow and I remember to freakin' ask the right questions!  I for sure need to step away from the google machine.

One Thumb Up and One Thumb Down?

Went in for my second scan today.  It's med day 7.  I've been starting to feel uncomfortable, so I was prepared to see some action on the screen and I wasn't disappointed.  He counted 12 on the right between 11-13mm and 5 on the left between 11-12mm.  There were about 15 at 10 mm or under on each ovary.  He was happy with this and so was I so I.  He told me to start the Cetrotide as soon as I had a chance, and then I went to get my blood drawn.  Well, I got a call that afternoon that my Estradiol is high (1074).  So I'm to dial back my stims a tad, continue with the Cetrotide, go in for a blood draw Saturday and keep my ultrasound appointmen for Sunday.  This makes me nervous.  I'm already labeled at high risk for OHSS.  I don't want to end up cancelled and I want to be sure we have nice, mature, quality eggs rather than just a shit ton of them.

Also, I'm running out of veins.

Anyone else have a spike in Estradiol around day 7 and a happy story to share?  I could use one!

Today's silver-lining is only that I can pronounce Estradiol.  That's pretty fancy.

Come one ya damned hormones!  Behave!

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Follicles...

Things are cookin' in there!  They're all still under 10mm, but she estimated 19 on the right and 10 on the left.  Yowza.  I go back on Friday and we are to keep on keepin' on.  She did note a para-ovarian cyst on the left.  Don't google that.  I'm sure it's not as big of a deal as Dr. Google makes it out to be since she just measured it and moved on.  They did see it on my 3D sono, but didn't really say much about it.  Whatever it is, it's only 10mm and it had better stay that way.

My brain has completely left the building.  I was supposed to bring in my pap to the RE today because my gyno hadn't faxed it like they said they did.  I had it in my purse and completely forgot to give it to them.  On the way home from work, I got on the highway and went west, rather than east.  I drove for 10 miles before I figured it out.  All dang day long I was pulling files and absentmindedly putting them away before I even did anything with them.  I guess it's IVF brain?

So the IVF silver lining of today is that IVF allows to you pull a smug fertile-esque excuse when you screw up and forget something.  Didn't get that report in on time?  Oops!  IVF brain!  Forgot about your SIL's baby shower?  IVF brain!

Shout Out to the Universe

I don't like to throw negative thoughts out to the universe.  I'm not one of those "The Secret" followers and I'm not all into the power of positive thinking, I just don't want to mess with it.  When someone in a meeting sarcastically says, "Now watch, we're all gunna get fired," I'm the one who's going to yell out, "Nuh uh, sister.  You can't put that shit out into the universe.  Take that back!"  Just not willing to tempt fate.  It's become kind of a joke at work.  "Lisa says you can't put that shit in the universe!"

So today my coworker tells me that she has a hard time picturing me pregnant.  After my shocked and possibly offended looks, she explained, "No!  It's just because you're so tiny!"  So she went on to tell me that she's been making an effort to picture me pregnant every day, just to put it out into the universe.  I thought that was nice.  And it probably gives her a good laugh every day.  Have you ever seen someone under 5' all knocked up?  It's giggle worthy.

So today is day 4 of stims. My first ultrasound is tomorrow.  I'm starting to feel the bloat already, despite the insane amounts of water I'm drinking.  My pee is still yellow, too!  How the hell?!?!

Which brings me to my silver-lining IVF thought of the post.  I had to give myself a shot at rehearsal last night.  I sing with about 60 women and our director is a dude.  I've had to trigger at rehearsal before, but this pen thing is a bit more involved, what with the needle putting on and the clicking and crap.  I didn't want to lay everything out on the back of a toilet and I didn't want to be walked in on either.  So I snuck out and did it in the men's bathroom while the only dude around was busy... directing.  So my silver-lining is that IVF has allowed me to see a urinal for the first time.  They really need to replace the floors in front of those things more often.

Happy Birthday To Me With Some FSH On Top!

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!  And we start STIMS TODAY!!!

I'm suddenly very excited.  I'm feeling very hopeful and I'm just ready to plunge in!

I'm going to make sure I post a positive IVF thought each time I post so that I don't get all down in the dumps about the whole thing.  Today's thought is that I have not taken my BBT in a month and will not take it for another month.  My tongue is very happy about that.

Happy thoughts to my girls also starting on or around today.... Mrs. Green Grass and Aly.

Standing In Line

You know the feeling you get when you're standing in line for a roller coaster?  You've been waiting forever for the line to move, and after awhile you've had plenty of time to watch the coaster go through the twists and turns.  You've listened to the screech of the wheels on the track, they screams of the riders.  Then you get up to the gate, your car is coming into the station, and it's time to get on.  You have that little moment of panic where you feel stuck.  Where you worry about the bad things that could happen and that you can't turn back now.  You know it's going to be scary, but then it's going to be over.  You're either going to be exhilarated from the ride, or have a nasty case of whiplash.  That's where I'm at now.  Stims start Saturday and I'm coming up on the metaphorical gate.  I think I've decided that I'm going to sit down, make sure my safety belt is tightly fastened, throw up my arms, keep my eyes open, and get everything I can out of the ride. 

My clinic called today to confirm everything and remind me that I start medication Saturday.  It was nice of them and all, but I wonder if anyone ever says "Oh Lordy!  I totally forgot!"

The Real Reason I'm Not Getting/Giving Any

One of the blogs I like to follow is from The Infertility Therapist.  She recently made a post on sex and infertility and I was really excited to read it.  I miss what my sex life used to be like, and while I know we will get it back at some point, I hate what it is now.  I realize that it all stems from me.  So when I read her article, I was a little disappointed.  She hit the highlights.  The stuff everyone says is the cause for the deplete-o libido, but it didn't really resonate with me.  I know I've posted on this subject before, and I even submitted that post to Mel's Analogy Project. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, though, and for me at least I think there's another reason for my lack of excitement about sex.  So I'm gunna bare it all here, ladies.  I'm sorry if this post puts my blog into the "high" category of your internet smut-o-meter.  I'll try to keep it classy.

Infertility has tried to take the mystery and intimacy out of sex for us.  Between wandings, charting, IUIs, discussions, semen profiles, and endless stirrup encounters, my lady parts and what is done with them has been under intense scrutiny.  Even with all of the intimacy infiltrations, the actual act of sex is between J and I.  Just us.  We don't have to be in the same room to attempt to make a baby, but when the lights go out at night, it's just us.  It's our time to be husband and wife.  That's when my guard comes down.  That's when I can shed the shell of normalcy I built to get through the day.  J is the only person I do this with.  The only person I trust with this.  I'm the only person he trusts to hold his armor.  I'm honored to be that person and I'm filled with gratitude that I have such an amazing man to hold on to mine.  But when our armor is off, we are at our most vulnerable. Sex amplifies that vulnerability, a billion-fold. 

When everything is said and done, I will cry.  I will lose control and I will cry that cry that I know you all know.  That cry that comes with sounds you didn't know you could make... that comes from a place you didn't know existed.  That cry. I hate that cry.  I hate making J see that cry.  I hate what I feel when that cry comes on.  I don't want to do it.  I don't want to get to that place.  I don't want to lose the only semblance of control I have in this mess.  I don't want that kind of sadness to be constantly entwined with intimacy.

So our sex life suffers.  I'm afraid to enjoy it because I don't want to get to the crying part, but I don't want to lay there like a dead fish either. (So much for the classy!)  Instead, I avoid it, which isn't helping anything or anyone.

I'm putting myself out there, sisters. Please tell me this resonates with someone else.

Artwork

I have quite a collection of artwork from little munchkins.  Some of them are hilarious and might be used for blackmail one day.  This week, I got a new one, and it is the greatest picture a kid has ever drawn for me.

It's J, Scout, and me (Notice the height.  What a riot.).  It's lovey and sunshiney.

There are pictures of kids on my desk.  My nephews, some patients, friends kids... She asked who they are and I told her.  Not ONCE did she ask if I had kids.  Not ONCE did she say, "where is your baby."  I'm pretty sure this is the first time a kid went through the photos on my desk and didn't give me the inquisition.  I was so thrilled by the acceptance of my little family, that I took this picture home and put it on our fridge.  We might even frame it.  This kid is my new favorite.

This IS my family.  This is what I have right now.  And it's lovely.

Infertilty Cluster

There is this really weird phenomenon in my office.

Since I have worked there, 9 women have attempted to become pregnant.  Only 4 were successful.  Three went on to adoption (I know 2 did IVF and I assume the 3rd did) and two of us are still working on it.

Is that weird or what? What's even weirder is that I don't talk to these women about it.  I know one of them knows, because she told Anne, my cool aunt like coworker/friend, that if I wanted to talk she'd love to talk to me about it.  The thing is, she's a HUGE adoption proponent, and I'm just not there yet.  If I get there, I'll be all over it, but right now I'm just not ready.  And I know that's how it will go.  I don't know - I might break down and talk to her.

And the other coworker who's having trouble?  The only reason I know that is because 1) She left a fax on the fax machine and the cover sheet had a huge letterhead with FERTILITY CLINIC in it.  I did not look at it, promise.  I just slid it in her box, but it just was hard not to notice the giant FERTILITY CLINIC letters.  They spoke to me.  And 2)  She told someone else who told me that they had been trying for awhile.  And they've been married for a couple of years now.  We aren't close, so I don't feel comfortable talking about it with her, but it's pretty weird that I spout all of this out on the internet for strangers and won't talk about it with the people I see everyday.

But seriously!  Is there some virus that causes deafness AND infertility?  It's just odd and that's all I'm going to say.  I just hold on to the fact that one of the successful breeders got pregnant on the pill... and she's worked there longer than me.

What We Did This Weekend

We are very proud of our little project.  But we really do need to have children so that I can stop doing dorky things like make a movie about tiling our fireplace.