It started with my OB. Honestly, reason number 9,973,250 why I wish your RE could be your forever OB/GYN. At my 6 week visit she was all about talking about a VBAC for "the next baby." I tried to stay calm and just say, "We're so blessed to have her that we're really okay with just one." She answered with, "Not there yet, huh?" I said, "Getting pregnant was really hard." She just grinned. I wondered how much she actually knew about me. Not to be melodramatic, but 3 rounds of IVF and a 4 transfers is kind of a big deal. I certainly know which of my patients have more ear drama than others. You'd think a gynecologist would remember which patients had reproductive drama. Anyway, that conversation started the end of my acceptance zen.
The next domino to fall came in the form of my maternity clothes. I had to get my sweaters in the closet and that meant pulling out the maternity stuff. I left them all in a pile in the middle of the closet for a week. God love J, he didn't say a work about it. Eventually I brought it up to him. I didn't know what to do with them. Do I go ahead and donate them or do I keep them, just in case? He was very wise. He told me to put them in a bag, stick it under the bed, and worry about it later. So I did.
The final domino came when Chipmunk outgrew her first outfit. Same dilemma. Do I go ahead and donate it, or do I keep it, just in case? I took the same advice. I put it in a bag, stuck it under the bed, and I'll worry about it later.
Whenever Chipmunk meets a milestone, I have a pang of sadness. I've always been the person who celebrates milestones because they mean a new beginning. It hasn't been that way with parenthood. I'm sad that I'll never see a first smile again, or hold a tiny sleeping baby for hours on end. I hate that I'll never again hear a newborn cry meant just for me to answer. I need to stop that. I just want to enjoy my little bits. I feel another ghost child emerging and I don't want her following me around for the next several years. I have this beautiful life. Amazing gifts are all around me and I'm going to enjoy them. I'm not going to be infertile for awhile. I'm putting it in a bag, sticking it under the bed, and worrying about it later.
Don't get me wrong, I have infertility. I'm not denying that, but I'm not going to be infertile right now. Infertility is not going to be a defining feature of my existence. It can be something I have, but not something I am. I just want to be a mom. A happy, flourishing mom who can give everything she's got to her kid. Infertility isn't taking that away from me. So it's going in a bag.
That's why I haven't been posting much and I wanted to let y'all know that that probably won't be changing anytime soon. I'll update this space on occasion, but I can't promise loads of posts. I just need to step away for awhile. I'm still reading your blogs and cheering for those in the trenches, but I'll admit - I haven't been commenting with the vigor I used to. It's hard to find where I fit and I'm really okay with being the square peg.
I understand now why people suddenly act like they had no trouble conceiving and everything is hunky dory. That doesn't feel right for me, but I understand it better. I'm not living the infertile life right now. It's trying to follow me around like toilet paper stuck on my shoe, but I want it off. I want to find a different way to be a champion for this community and to find that place, I need to celebrate what this journey has brought us. I mean, look at this face!
I love all of you in sisterly way and am so grateful that I've had you on this journey. I don't think I've ever expressed that adequately. I would have given up a thousand times if I hadn't had the encouragement from all of you. It's not just words on a page. I know that you were thinking of me when I was having procedures just like I think of you when you are in a cycle. That's an awesome community to be a part of. I'm so happy to have found all of you ladies.
That is exactly what I have done. Your husband is a wise WISE man. After struggling so long and so hard, it's even harder to watch all that hard work grow and change each day. Your little girl is GORGEOUS!!! You are doing an amazing job and everything in this post resonates with me immensely. HUGS lady. I can't speak for everyone else, but I love you right back!!! Sister :)
ReplyDeleteOh this post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy that you ARE a mom! And happy that you don't have to decide whether to get rid of clothes now. I went through the same dilemma just this week. Your daughter is so beautiful and I hope you find ways to really treasure and enjoy this time. I know sometimes the worry of "what if I never experience this again" robs me from the current joy and I mourn instead of rejoice with my ever-changing/growing boys. I don't have an answer, but I am glad to see you doing what you need to do. Know that I am always here and my thoughts are with you fellow hapa-mom!
ReplyDeleteWhat a precious picture!!!! You're right that infertility doesn't go away and that you have to decide what to do with it. None of the reasons that we are stopping at 1 child actually have to do with infertility (rather my husbands initial desire for 1 and our traumatic pregnancy), but once the decision was made I felt so much relief to just know what the future held. I'm saving all of my clothes and stuff for my sister who will be trying for #2 soon, but I know 100% that I won't be using it and it's really freeing. I think it takes a really long time to decide whether you want more kids in the first place, despite infertility, so give it time...leave the stuff in a bag or box and you can deal with it when you're ready.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy that adorable little girl! : )
She's stunning - and I totally understand. Much love to you! xx
ReplyDeleteI completely think this is just the right thing to do right now. Spend your time reveling in your sweet and ADORABLE baby girl, not in trying to predict the future. She is darling!
ReplyDeleteInfertility steals so much from us. Kudos to you for being so determined not to let it steal the joy of raising your beautiful little girl!
ReplyDeleteYes. This. Every word is what I'm goin through too. To finally be in a pace Grey and I have struggled so long to get too only to meet each wonderful, amazing milestone with a sense of sadness. It sucks that it's bittersweet and complicated. Abiding with you.
ReplyDeleteShe is so beautiful!! Praying for you. The transition to motherhood is hard, even without infertility.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this. I struggle with being excited for milestones while being nostalgic for the tiny preemies I brought home. I just want to press pause and soak up the baby-ness because I won't ever get it again. I don't want to spend their childhood being sad about them growing up. It makes me feel a little better to know I am not the only one dealing with this.
ReplyDeleteI did donate the newborn clothes. Mostly because they were all hand-me-downs anyway. Of course, after I did it, I questioned whether I should be saving them. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of my maternity clothes, though, so I put them in a box in the garage to be dealt with later. I just wasn't ready to let that part go yet. Oh yeah, I also had the OB tell me not to get pregnant too soon when I refused his offer of birth control. Sigh.
Enjoy your beautiful daughter. It's what you worked so very hard for.
Hand slap to forehead! As an ob/gyn provider, I am truly embarassed for the way yours spoke to you. Your daughter is absolutely gorgeous, I'm glad you're taking the time to savour.
ReplyDeletefirst...baby girl is beautiful!!! 2nd....I very much felt like you after having our son....5 rounds of fertility treatment, two miscarriages and we finally got our baby at 40 years old! Whew! So grateful and so DONE! When people would ask me if he was my first I would say....First AND Last. They would nod and smile and pretty much say "we'll see". My OB was actually pretty great but warned me that many of his IVF patients had suprises after all the trouble....did I want birth control just in case? And then there were my maternity clothes and all those tiny baby things? What do I do with them? Something wouldn't let me get rid of them. And when my son was six months old I was thinking it would have been nice to have twins so he had a sibling....but oh well...we are so blessed...we are so done. And then at one year old all hell broke loose on my hormones when he started walking and I had all this old baby stuff piled away in the garage and boxes and boxes of sweet baby things. And I was once again the crazy infertile that would do anything for a 2nd child!!!! We explored adoption, we explored foster adopt and we toyed for about 2 minutes with doing the fertility thing again.....but our chances were in the negative because I was 42 and my hubby had way too many issues with his swimmers. And then I learned...never say never.......and then I read a blog that mentioned embryo adoption....and it just so happened our clinic had a program....and guess what? less than 6 months later I was pregnant!!!!! But this is just our story....but it taught me never to say never. I was glad I kept the maternity clothes.....and the baby gear....our next child was a girl...so my very good friend who had a boy the week we found out we were having a girl got boxes and boxes of awesome boy clothes to take her thru the first 18 months of her son's life. And then 5 months later I had a baby girl via repeat c-section....and had my tubes tied on the table....because this time....we were definitely done! And the materinity clothes got passed on almost immediately...and every single thing she outgrew was donated to someone who needed it.....And I was happy I just "put it in a bag and shuffed it all under the bed" two years before. I am not saying this will be your path....what I am saying is that you will know when it is right to pass these things on.....and the best advice I can give you.....your husband already has....until you are sure and at peace in your heart....just put it in the bag and put it under the bed. In the mean time...enjoy your baby. She is gorgeous and her little smile in that photo is precious! Enjoy!
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Oh my God she is adorable! I have a 7 month old daughter and have so many of the same feelings you do in this post, that I have never been able to seem to put into words. Every outfit of hers, I look at and decide whether to pass on to one of two family members or to keep "just in case". My maternity clothes sit on a shelf in my closet because I can't bear to get rid of them. I nearly cried yesterday when I was in Baby Gap and was dangerously close to the maternity section. I so want to be pregnant again. But I must be (and am) satisfied with my sweet girl and every smile, giggle and coo she gives me. Thank you for this post!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, beautiful post. I can relate on so many levels ... putting everything in bags and worrying about it later. Parenting after infertility (or through or despite infertility should I say?) is no cake walk ... and people really don't get it. I get so many comments indicating that because we now have a child, I'll get pregnant really easily with a second baby. This is so painful - as though it was a mental mindset and not a physical disability that causes my infertility.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing - it's comforting to know that there are others who are going through similar struggles, even after baby arrives.
On another note - oh my GOODNESS your daughter is adorable!!!!!!!! Beautiful eyes! Beautiful little smile! Perfect little round face! She is a precious sweet little gift for sure. Congratulations!
Lisa- you are amazing. I feel those same tensions. I agree stick it in a bag & worry about it later. How's being back to work?
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