Cycle canceled. I have a 3 cm cyst on my right ovary. I'm so frustrated and sad and angry right now. I felt like I was finally taking some control back. I was finally doing something, but no. Body thwarts it all again. And it totally cried in the REs office. I'm sure it happens all the time, but I feel like a moron. It wasn't an ugly cry. Just teariness.
Mr. Right and I had a great talk last night about how we're in this together. We're a team - and most of the time we're really good at that. I was feeling so lovey dovey and ready to get started. Now I just want to scream.
What sucks even more is that "try again next month" is probably not going to happen. If my next period starts on time, I'll be at my mother's in the midwest when I need to be monitored for my trigger shot. They won't let me start if that happens. So now we're looking at January, dammit.
And speaking of my mother, she's coming here tonight. We're doing our Thanksgiving early. She was so excited about being here when we started meds (weird) that I wanted to call and make sure she knew what was up. I told her how I felt about not having any control and she said "That's just it Lisa, you don't have control. You have to lay this at the feet of the Lord." W... T... F...
Now, typically I appreciate what my mom has to say and usually I can find some comfort in the religious stuff, but what the hell is THAT supposed to mean? If I'm just a pawn in God's great game and he has some sort of plan, why am I even bothering going through treatment? I mean, won't everything just work the way it's meant to? Or why even bother exercising free will if it's all in His hands anyway? And if I've "given it all up to God" and I'm STILL not pregnant, does that mean it's not part of His plan? I'm not meant to create life with my husband like everyone else does? I refuse to believe that. So I have no idea what laying it at any supreme being's feet is supposed to do right now, but that shit sure didn't help.
Ugh. I'm gunna go clean my house.
November 18, 2011
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Oh, Lisa. I'm so sorry...This entire infertility thing just plain sucks. There's no way around it. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy early Thanksgiving with your mom!!
I'm so sorry! I hate when I have a plan (especially with TTC) and something ruins it. In TTC time another month feels like an eternity. I wish I could do something to help.
ReplyDeleteAlso your mom sound so much like my mom it makes me laugh. I think my mom busts out the reglious sayings when she just doesn't know what else to say. I finally yelled at her about a year ago and said that I didn't think God's plan included crack babies. She cried but it helped us get along better eventually.
Hi, I'm here from the ICLW list and I don't really know you (yet) so I apologize in advance for what I'm about to say:
ReplyDeleteI really, really hate those fatalistic "lay-it-at-the-feet-of-the-lord" types of comments. You can't win in this scenario: either God's plan for you is to remain barren, and your continued misery is your own fault for failing to understand said plan, or God's plan for you is to keep on trying and fighting -- but how are you supposed to know which? And if there's no way to tell, how do you know if whatever outcome you wind up with was part of the plan or not? I really think Lindsey above is right, that people say these kinds of things when they don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry you had to hear it.
(Like I said, I know that is a little incendiary and I apologize in advance if I've offended you.)
Hi Lisa, stopping by from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about this cycle. I also like to be in control and totally hate it when things don't go as planned.
Well, at least your house is clean. :-)
Here from ICLW... right there w/ you on your reaction to the whole "God's will" baloney. Hopeful for your little hapa in 2012. I am lucky to have one hapa and am TTC #2 with my FET (2ww right now).
ReplyDeleteFriends - My house was super clean. Like Martha clean. The hubby even cleaned! Apparently I've got him in the stress cleaning mode.
ReplyDelete@Ginger: No offense at all! Anyone who choses to be offended so easily I shouldn't be blogging! Besides - I'm with ya on your thoughts!
Ugh. I'm with you on the frustration about the Lords will. While I believe things happen for a reason, I refuse to believe it means I'm not meant to have children. I think people say things that they truly think are comforting but unless you've been there it's hard to understand. Every month feels like forever and a lost cycle is so disappointing. You're definitely not alone.
ReplyDeleteMy mom likes to remind me that when I get down, there's always someone to talk to. Honestly, when she says shit like that I prefer talking to some imaginary (IMO) guy in the sky because he doesn't say stupid shit like that.
ReplyDeleteHope I didn't offend with the "man in sky" comment. :) I understand it, just don't subscribe to it myself. :)
ReplyDeleteNo offence taken. There's one thing you have to say about the ALI community - we are certainly uber aware of the possibility of offending someone!
ReplyDelete