I emailed my mom about the religious tracts we received and I included the bit about how Mr. Right should have said I was "an infertile, white, Catholic, heathen." She responded with, "Would you please not identify yourself as infertile. That is not who you are. A heathen - maybe." It bothered me. After all 628.9 is the ICD-9 code splashed all over my medical everything. I fit the definition and I'm obviously not "fertile." I have infertility and I'm learning to identify myself as an infertile person. Of course I thought Mr. Right would feel the same way.
So when I told him about my mom's response (quite haughtily, I might add) I was very surprised when he said he didn't think of me as infertile either. In his mind, you're only infertile if you never can have a biological child, even with medical intervention. In my mind it's when you can't have a child without medical intervention. I'm sure my mom sees it the same way my husband does, but it got me thinking about how we as women identify ourselves and where infertility fits in.
I'm a wife, an audiologist, a musician, a daughter, a sister... those are probably my main identities. Mr. Right says he is a husband and a Korean-American (a man of short lists). Interestingly, he's adamant that his career doesn't define him, but it would if he were proud of it. Then I looked at my list. It's full of things I'm proud of.
I wouldn't say I'm proud of being infertile. I'm proud that I'm finding the strength to take steps to attempt to overcome it, but I don't think it's part of my identity at this point. I think Mr. Right is on to something. We identify ourselves by what we're proud of.
When we think about what makes us "us," we think about the positives. I have a complicated family and it does have a huge impact on who I am as a person, but the positive aspects of what came of it are what makes me "me." Yes, I tend to be a bit distrustful, but is that part of my identity? Not really. It did lead to me to be a bit of a control freak which morphed into a straight up type-A personality, but I don't really see that as a negative personality trait (other's might, but it works for me).
I'm a runner - but I didn't put that on my list. Probably because I really super suck at it.
How do you choose to identify yourself?
October 11, 2011
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My family also gets mad when I identify myself as an infertile... Over time I've started to realize that being an infertile is something I'm proud of (not something i'm happy about though) and so I define myself as one because it means I've fought tooth and nail for this baby, I've concured a terrible diagnosis, and even before I won the battle, being infertile made me part of a community who had also been there and understood. So I am proud to be a pregnant infertile!
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