First OB Visit and First Purchase

We had our first OB visit today and it went pretty much exactly like Liz's.  The office was quite nice.  They called me back first for a urine pregnancy test and blood pressure check and had J wait in the waiting room for that.  I'd filled out my history online ahead of time, so the CNA working with me was quite confused by my LMP date.  I haven't had a period since November 8th and yet I'm only 9 weeks pregnant.  I told her it was an IVF pregnancy and that I had been on Lupron.  She took my blood pressure and everything and then asked how long it had taken us and what we had been through. She was just making conversation and I was totally fine with it.  Then she said, "So you were on Letrozole?"  I said, "Um, a long time ago during my IUIs, but we're you talking about the Lupron?" She said, "Now which is IUI and which is IVF?"  I said, "Uh, IVF is when they take the eggs out of you and IUI is the turkey basting?"  She said, "Okay.  That's what I thought."  Hmmmm.  Alrighty.  Thankfully things went up from there.

The doc came in and went over our history again.  She was so very sympathetic.  She gave us a stack of info on testing, what to eat, how to battle morning sickness, what constitutes an emergency and who to call, meds that are safe (but try not to take any), a to do list.  WHEW!  She did a pap and a breast exam (J's first witnessing of such things, but let's face it - he's seen much worse!).  I fessed up that I have been too pooped to exercise and eating is pretty much whatever stays down.  I felt better when she said that it was okay and that I'd feel better and could get back on track when the first trimester is over.  Then she asked if we had any more questions.  I asked if she had any tips on how to stay calm.  I said, "We've just been through so much and it's hard to be optimistic..." then of course I teared up.  She said that she wants to get me through the first trimester, but that having seen a heartbeat at this stage was a great thing.  She admitted that she didn't have any other advice, but she asked if we wanted to take a peek.  We weren't scheduled for an ultrasound at this stage, but she did one and didn't charge us.  It was so very sweet of her.

So we will be doing MaterniT21 blood testing and she wants us to do a level II ultrasound in the second trimester because I'm old.  I guess the MaterniT21 test makes the NT screening kind of overkill, right?  Any thoughts on that?

I was very happy with our visit and the clinic as a whole.  We go back next week already!  That will be just some blood tests... thyroid and stuff... and a visit with the nurse practitioner.

So just in time for March Madness, we decided to throw caution to the wind and make our first baby purchase.  We can't wait to see our child wear it proudly.

Still Carrying My Card

***I've added a tab for Chipmunk.  If you're up for ultrasound photos, they will be posted there.***

Every Friday we have a meeting where more people that just my immediate team are in attendance.  Only my immediate coworkers know about Chipmunk.  I had told them that they were the only ones who knew and I wanted to keep it that way.  I sent them a text after my last RE visit because I figured that way they would know about the good news and I could avoid any looks or questions when I came to the meeting late.  Apparently my boss decided to whoop and holler in excitement when she got the text during the meeting and announce what her (group) text said.  So now people who I didn't want to yet know know. Another one of my coworkers reminded her that I didn't want people to know yet, but it was too late.  I appreciate her excitement, but two of the people at this meeting were infertile women who I wanted to tell one-on-one, in my own time.  I hadn't found alone time with them yet.

My boss whooped more when I came in and I shushed her.  My two coworkers (who have since adopted) just looked at me and smiled kindly.  I could see the pain in their eyes, though and I was crushed for them.  I know the rest of the world thinks adoption is a cure for infertility, but I know better.  I'm sure my boss thought there was no need for special sensitivity, but I know better.  And I'm sure that more than anything they were hurt that I didn't tell them in person.

My boss upset me more later in the day.  She shared that another former coworker who was struggling to get pregnant is also expecting.  I said, "Oh good.  I know she was struggling too.  I swear it's like you start working here at your uterus breaks."  She said, "Oh that's not true.  Look at you!"  I felt very defensive.  I said, "It's still good and broken."  She answered with, "You just needed a little help."  I got quiet and said, "I needed about as much help as you can get before moving on to donor gametes.  I will never need birth control and there will not be another pregnancy" and left the room.  She didn't say anything about it.  I'm sure she chalked it up to hormones.

I spent the rest of the day pondering why I was so defensive about her comments.  I think it was a myriad of things.  I'm not in denial about my infertility anymore.  It's become part of my story, and part of who I am.  I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with that because it's made me a stronger person.  I can recognize that I am still a woman with worth and value even if sperm has to be forcefully injected into my eggs for just a shot at fertilization.  Even though eight embryos have failed to implant in my womb, I am just as much of a woman as  the most fertile among us.  I know that.  I went through hell and back to know that.  Achieving a pregnancy doesn't erase all that I have been through.  It takes me on another leg of this journey, but it doesn't discount my pain.  I'm not actively grieving anymore, but there will always be an ache.

I'm keeping my infertile card. I'm pretty sure no one is going to revoke it.

8 Weeks 3 Days

AND THE CHIPMUNK IS MEASURING RIGHT ON TARGET!

Heart rate looks good (he didn't measure it, but said, "Oh it's nice and fast.  With growth like that, there's no way it would be slow."  I'm down with that.)

I swear you guys, it looked like a mouse.  I'll scan the photo in later, but it totally looked like a mouse.

I had a little bleeding scare last night.  After bowing to the porcelain god, a GIANT clump of Crinone came out.  Enough that it clogged the toilet (I know, gross, but there's no such thing as TMI on this blog.)  Anyway, when I was wiping to make sure I got it all, I had some bright red blood on the TP.  The doc thinks  it was just from irritation from the Crinone and nothing to worry about.  I'm not worried about it because it hasn't continued and I'm feeling rather raw and irritated from all that junk.  It's so nasty.

So I stopped meds on Monday and I go to the OB on Tuesday.  Like a regular person.  Who totally doesn't feel like a regular person.

Why can't I stay at my RE forever?

Waiting

Can we just skip to Friday?  Please?

My boobs have stopped hurting.  If you ask me, they feel pretty normal.  I'm only mildly nauseous   I did toss my cookies Friday after a big dinner and I could put my head down and take a nap right now.  I guess I'll hold on to that.

But, seriously.  Can it just be Friday?  Like, now?

So That Wasn't Great

Chipmunk only made two days worth of growth in the last seven days.  The heart rate is still strong at 145, but my RE is concerned.  We didn't graduate today as expected.  I go back next Friday to see if there has been any growth.

I can't stop thinking about what's going on in there and how I can't do anything about it.

So Much To Blog, So Little Time

Ultrasound number 2 is tomorrow.  I'm finally a bit nauseous, so I'm hoping that's a good sign.  I'm still anxious as all get out.  Trying not to dwell.

First, the good stuff.  I MET PEOPLE!!!! J and I went to Dspence's house for a lovely dinner and Oscar watching fun.  Her daughter, Little K, was cracking us up.  It was so fun to watch the hubbys together.  AND I got together last week with two readers who live in the area.  I had so much fun.  We had some good laughs that I REALLY needed.  Send your good vibes to M, she's on her first round of IVF and has a retrieval up and coming!

Now, the not so good stuff.  The in-laws.  Yes we told them, yes they were excited, it was lovely, then all hell broke loose.

See, they live on the other side of the country.  This was their choice.  They moved not long after J finished college.  What's even worse is that despite having lived in the US for 35 years, they speak very little English.  It was full on Korean culture shock this weekend and I could NOT handle it.

The language barrier is huge.  J makes a point of only responding to them in English 1) in hopes of encouraging them to use it more and 2) so that I can at least get the gist of what people are talking about.  It would be exhausting for him to translate the whole time and I don't expect him to.  Let me tell you how much fun 4 days zero English being spoken in your own home is.  So I appreciate the effort he does make.  It doesn't really matter, though, because they keep talking in Korean and he keeps talking in English.  When they do talk to me, it's really basic.  We can't have a real conversation.

Culturally, we are not on the same page.  I am an extremely independent person.  My mother will be the first to tell you that I did not get to where I am in life with any help.  Interestingly, neither did my husband, so I can't figure out how they are they way they are.  As soon as we told them about Chipmunk, it was like I was totally incapable of functioning.  My MIL was taking broccoli from my hands when I tried to carry the bowl to the table.  She wouldn't pass me the vegetables at the table unless someone else carried it to me.  My MIL and FIL said that they didn't want me to go on the road trip to the family wedding that weekend.  It was 6 freakin hours and it was an opportunity to see my brother.  I was going dang it.  Then in the car, she kept talking for me.  "Lisa hot.  She have coat on."  Umm, if I were hot I would take my coat off and I would turn the heat down.  When J was holding on to my shoulder to stretch, she said, "Stop!  She no like that."  What the hell?!?!  When did I say I had a problem with my husband using me to balance?  She bought us some weird genetically modified cucumbers because she doesn't think I should eat cucumber seeds.  My FIL expressed his opinion that I should stay home and not work.  When we said that wasn't an option he said, "Maybe I retire.  Take care of baby."

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!!

Thankfully, J put the kibosh on that one.

I know they mean well, and that in their culture wives don't generally speak for themselves.  They need to realize that despite their hopes, J married a white girl.  A very independent, liberal, mid-western, feminist, white girl with a doctorate and an opinion or two.

At the wedding, I talked with his aunts and uncles.  In English.  They all speak English.  It was lovely.  They remembered that my bother lived in the area.  They asked how my mom was.  I learned about his aunt's nursing career and how much she misses it.  I felt like I was getting to know these people and that's when it hit me.  The biggest issue with the language barrier is that my in-laws and I can't forge a relationship.  I worry that the same will happen with our child.  Their grandchild.  I know a lot about language acquisition and that it will be pretty much impossible for us to have a fully bilingual child with only one of us being bilingual.  Even then, J isn't really fluent anymore.  I would say that Skype and things like that would help, but they can't even get in a hotel room door.  Technology is not their friend.

I learned so much this weekend about what J's upbringing was like and it broke my heart.  What teenager has to talk to the landlord when his parents can't pay rent or help them figure out their bankruptcy legal woes?

I know this culture clash is only going to get worse and I don't know what to do about it.  Learning Korean is not a reasonable expectation and it doesn't solve everything anyway.  It's probably too late for them to really improve their English.  I guess we'll continue to flounder through the language wall as best as we can and I'll just have to show them that I wear big girl pants and can handle broccoli transport all on my own.

I won't tolerate listening to her call my brother-in-law "fat boy" for a whole weekend again.  That's just straight up mean.  And they wonder why he has no goals or expectations for himself.  Geez.