Just Frickin Sad

It's been a shitty couple of days.  Today just made it worse.


One of my families brought their 1 year old hapa baby in today.  I hadn't met her yet.  This mom and I talk a lot about being married to Asian men and I really like her.  I was psyched to meet her little one, but man it hit me hard.  She was so freakin' adorable.  Smiley and happy.  She actually had blond hair and blue eyes!  I had to get my shit together in the bathroom.  I did not cry.  I was proud of myself for that.

Ultrasound was this morning.  I have one lonely follicle to work with this month.  If I couldn't get pregnant with five, I doubt I'll get pregnant with one.  I can ovulate one without the shots, thank you very much.

With this whole FSH crap, I kept holding on to the fact that I respond well to stims.  Scratch that!  My body totally changed it's mind!  I had an AMH drawn today and the RE wants to move on to "something more aggressive" if this month doesn't work.  Let's face it - it ain't gunna work.  I'm assuming "something more aggressive" means IVF because I don't want to screw around with a totally injectable cycle.  I'm already on Menopur and Femara.  Triggering tonight.  IUI is scheduled for Friday.


Thanks for all of your positive thoughts on the FSH front.  It was good to hear success stories.  Right now I'm just wallowing in self pity.  I'm sure I'll get out of it.  I was just holding on to a lot of hope and I feel like it's been taken down a notch or two.  So I apologize for my lack of commenting.  I'm just... blah.

Less Than Stellar News

Of course when J was out of town I got bad news.  I didn't want to give him something to worry about while he was working so I waiting until he was home to talk with him.  I certainly didn't want to post anything until I talked with him.

My last CD3 FSH was 11.6

On Wed, the message my RE attached to the lab result I downloaded was "This is higher, but not dramatic.  Call me Thursday or Tuesday to talk."  So of course I called first thing Thurs and he didn't call back.  Now we're sitting here wondering...

I know it's not an end-of-the-world kind of FSH, but it certainly isn't a "you are a healthy almost 34 year old and should be pregnant with triplets any day now" kind of FSH.

This is our 3rd IUI.  If it doesn't work it's wise to move straight to IVF, yes?  How soon can we get started?  Does this put us at higher risk for chromosomal issues?  What does this do to our chances in general?  Are there supplements I should be taking?  Is this why my left ovary never does jack shit?  And again WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR OUR CHANCES IN GENERAL!?!?!?

Why do they leave us hanging?!?!??!

Yay For A Positive Post

I think my posts are becoming totally bipolar.  Thanks for the positive vibes from last night's sad fest.  You guys are the best.

Anyway, I called the office today because I DON'T want to go on vacation without knowing what my FSH was.  Turns out they only didn't call me because my RE is already on vacation all week (Sooo, I get to be in limbo?  WTF?).  BUT my FSH was 7.4!!!!!  I know you're only as good as your highest number, but THIS IS NOT HIGHER!!!!  Something to celebrate.  Weird thing is, I had a dream last night that it was 7.4.  Estradiol was not elevated.  We're good to go!!!!

Feeling more hopeful today. :)

I Get To Shoot Up In My Mom's Bathroom!

HAPPY DANCE!  THE CYST IS GONE!  Let's get this show on the road!  I start Letrozole tomorrow. My first injection will be on Christmas day, at my mother's house, probably in her bathroom.  Awkward.

On a less exciting note, my insurance said they won't pay for anything else until I have updated blood draws (even though I just had one a couple of months ago and haven't had any actual treatment since - buttheads).  So I had a fresh FSH, LH, and E2 drawn today.  Since I posted just the other day about how anxious I was about the FSH, I'm now sitting here anxious to hear from the office.  She said they'd call with it today, but I haven't heard anything yet.  Not that I can do anything about it - it is what it is - I just don't know how to function if I'm not freaking out about something.  Besides insurance cuts me off from ART if it gets over 19.  If it's over 19 we need to regroup anyway.

I Know I Should Ask My Doctor, But I Like Your Answers Better

Here's the deal.  When I had my FSH tested on day three in September, it was 10.  Flat out 10.0.  As borderline as it gets.  My doc said it was, "Ooookaaay" and that was that.  When I went home and put it in my google machine and I flipped, but didn't bring it up again because I was afraid of being high maintenance.

Now, we're doing the IUI deal with 11-13% chance of success each cycle.  Smashing, yes?  He recommended two cycles and then reconoiter.  We have insurance coverage (We are very blessed and do not take it for granted.), but they require three IUIs before they will pay for ART. So, since we have no money, we're going for the IUIs, knowing that chances are pretty slim.  Since I've gotten a cyst without even stimming, I'm thinking we will need to take breaks between cycles which would slow us down. 

I know, I know, cart before the horse and all that stuff, but should I be concerned that my FSH is going to skyrocket in the next several months?  My ovulation date has been steadily moving out - from day 12 to day 19 this last cycle, so that has me a little nervous.  Thoughts?