When All Is Said and Done

A couple of things have happened lately that made me reflect on some posts by Mel at Stirrup-Queens.  The first incident made me think of her What's In a Name post.  My Best Friend Back Home (BFBH) is pregnant with her third child.  They were "trying for a girl," a concept that makes my head spin.  She emailed me to talk baby names, a concept that honestly thrills me.  As someone who has spent way too much time thinking every month was "the one," and spends each day meeting new little ones at work with the most effed up names ever, I consider myself a name connoisseur.  It's one of the first gifts you give your child.  It's loaded with background, meaning, family history, personality, and love.  If you ask me, a name does help shape who we become.  BFBH has lovely choices in mind, but one would be the nickname of our girl name.  Yes, we are insane enough to have a girl name and a boy name chosen.  I'm not one who believes in "claiming" names, which is why BFBH doesn't know what our names are (that and she may think I'm a complete lunatic).  These names are important to us, but if BFBH wanted to give one to her daughter, I wouldn't dream of stopping her.  I wouldn't dream of not giving that name to our child either.  The reasons we chose our names are much different than the reasons she chose hers, whether they ended up being the same combination of letters or not.  It did make me think of something I hadn't before, though.  What if this doesn't work and I spend the rest of my life loving on BFBH's child who has the same name as our ghost child?  Will that make it harder to say goodbye to her?  Will be have a constant remembrance of what might have been? I suddenly feel like we made a huge boo boo here.  We used to look at names as a way of keeping hope alive, but I'm afraid that we may have delved into another situation where hope becomes an albatross rather than the perfect little dove it's supposed to be.

While we've been pretty good about keeping hope alive this cycle, we've also been reveling in the lasts.  Last night I injected my last FSH/LH cocktail ever.  I was thrilled.  I wasn't wistful or sad that that this is our last try.  I'm that ready to get off this train.  Looking at these lasts is a way of looking toward the future.  There is a bit of celebration in these lasts.  They are the lasts that could lead to a baby or not.  Either way, these lasts lead to a whole different life for J and me.  Each road deserves it own excitement and each road is a complete unknown to us.

So tonight I trigger for the last time.  On Tuesday, we go in for our last retrieval.  I'm going to stay away from the blogs until Beta.  I've been so good with the Circle + Bloom and doing my best to stay zen. I want to do everything I can to stay that way.  While I'm in a cycle, I get into this strange mindset where I see some giant stork in the sky handing out babies and if I see a load of BFPs in the blogosphere, I'm convinced that the stork will be passing us by once again because he forgot about us and ran out of pregnancies.  I don't want to have that neurotic feeling, so I'm going ostrich and sticking my head in the sand.  So, I'll see y'all in a couple of weeks.  Please forgive me for not commenting.  I promise I will catch up with your stories when all is said and done with us.

Truckin' Along

Today is med day 5 and I’ve got about 17 follies at this point, all around 10 mm.  I’m pleased with that.  Lining is only at 5 mm, but we have time.  I’m strangely uncomfortable physically and usually I don’t feel anything until the morning of retrieval.

My protocol is unique enough that no one entirely knows what to expect, but so far things seem to be going well.  Since I had a Lupron Depot shot, there’s no Lupron and no antagon with my stims.  We’re just letting things grow and planning that the depot shot keeps me appropriately suppressed.  I’m taking more Menopur than Gonal-F and it’s usually the other way around at my clinic.  I’m supplementing estrogen around retrieval time along with the usual antibiotic, steroid, baby aspirin, and progesterone.

It’s strange how at home this all starts to feel.  Joking with your RE and the nurses in the hallway while totally ignoring the giant invasion of privacy you just received.  Calling your husband on the way to the office with the rundown: “There’s about 17, all are around 10, we’re not changing anything.” “Got it!”  Getting to work and just plopping on down and starting the day like nothing has happened.  This is my life.  C’est la vie. 

This cycle is showing us how ready we really are to be done with all of this.  Of course we hope that there are finally two little lines at the end of this cycle, but I think that if there isn’t we will feel at peace that we’ve done everything we could.  We’re emotionally wiped.  Even if the littlest hill is placed in front of us, we are protesting about how tired we are and how sick we are of climbing mountains when others have nothing but plains.  Our whole marriage has been about trying to make a baby and we’re ready to just enjoy each other, baby or no.

The Room

We all have one.  Four walls, a closet, and a lot of hopes and dreams unfulfilled.  Some fill their Rooms with stuff, trying to find a way to cover up the empty space and pain.  Others leave it empty, a reminder of what could be.  The Room is very personal to all of us.  Whether we like it or not, it becomes a sacred space charged with emotion.

Our room is empty… and my mother-in-law is coming.

J has not been very forthcoming with his parents about our infertility, partly because of the language barrier.  He does not know, nor does he care to know, the word “uterus” in Korean.  The biggest reason he hasn’t shared a lot with her is because of his place in the family.  Being the oldest male is a big deal in Korean culture.  Not only is he the oldest male in his immediate family, he’s the oldest male for his whole generation.  He’s embarrassed and feels like we’ve let everyone down.  The Room has changed all of that.

She called for a weekly check-in and immediately went into some sort of strange tirade.  J switched to English for my benefit, but all I could hear was, Korean blah blah blah. “No mom!  You can’t tell me what to do in my own house.”  Louder babbling in Korean.  “Just drop it.  We’re not doing that.  It’s not about that.”  MoreKoreanmoreKoreanmoreKorean.  “Umma!  I’ve got bigger things to worry about right now.  Drop it.”

Obviously the switch to English did not help me much.

Apparently she wanted us to buy a bed to put in The Room for her.  J was angry, but I didn’t understand how he could be angry at her.  The only thing she knows is that we are seeing a doctor and my surgery this summer had something to do with the why we haven’t made her a grandmother.  How on earth would she know that The Room is intended to be a nursery and that buying a bed feels like crying uncle to the universe?  He agreed that it was time to talk with her… and he did.

I came home from work the other day and he seemed rather peaceful.  He told me he had a really good conversation with his mom.  He told her everything.  He told her we were doing IVF, how many failed cycles we’d already had, what the surgery was for, and he told her that this was our last shot.  There would be no more egg making for us when this was done.  Thankfully, she knew what IVF was, so he didn't have to get into that.  She was also morally fine with it which was a relief.  She was very sweet to him and wants to be sure we are as stress free as possible over the next few weeks.  She offered to send us to Seoul for treatment, and when J piped in with, “I don’t think that’s necessary, but we have a Korean doctor!” she was nonplussed.  “Of course you have a Korean doctor, what other option is there?”

Most days I'm grateful that The Room is in the back of the house and I don't have to walk by it every day.  Right now I'm thankful for The Room.  It helped my husband see how much his mother needed to know about our journey.  I so hope we can make her a halmoni.

*Update on rent:  I got a check and it cleared!  I am very proud of myself for my assertiveness in getting this cleared up… for now.”

**Update on cycle: Baseline was fine, although I was surprised my estrogen was as high as it was (68… really?) but I was given the green light to start stims tomorrow.  Oh, and my right ovary was deemed “a good lookin’ ovary” by my RE. 

Effing With My Zen

*Note 1: I find that when I vent/whine/crab here about something, it ends up being all for naught.  I hope that happens with this post too.

*Note 2: This post has nothing to do with my pelvic region, but I'm sure I'll find a way to tie it in somehow.  I don't think I can walk two steps without it having to do with my ute.

I'm what you would call a reluctant landlord. I bought a house in all of my "holy crap I'm turning 30" panic.  Then I of COURSE met a dude I wanted to marry.  We wanted to live in the same house.  We owed more on both houses than they were worth, because we both bought our respective houses at the same time - right before the bubble burst.  My house would make a good rental property and his was more underwater than mine.  Done deal.  Mine becomes a rental and we live in his.

It wasn't too big of a deal the first year or so.  We started to think this could be a long term thing.  Perhaps it would help pay tuition for a kid one day or it could be supplemental retirement income.  We were breaking even on it.  Our renter was paying and was a nice guy.  He wanted to renew his lease for 18 more months!  Things were good.

Then he started paying a little late.  All year.  Just late enough that we couldn't charge a late fee.  Then there was a girlfriend.  And a temporary cat that seems to have overstayed its welcome.  And this month, he hasn't paid rent.  We can file for eviction if he doesn't pay by end of business tomorrow and we intend to.

It's a crappy economy and shit happens, but we need to keep our heads above water too.  Two mortgages is no bueno.  All the work we are going to have to do to get the house rentable again is no bueno.  Having a vacancy in the winter is no bueno.  Going to court and actually evicting someone - for sure no bueno.  Doing all of this while undergoing our last round of IVF when I'm trying to be all stress free and zen (see brought it back around to the ute) SUCKS.

Watch us end up with a court date that falls on retrieval day.

Hear me now, universe!  I'm complaining about it on my blog!  Let there be a rent check tomorrow!

Lupron Side Effects

When my first RE started to suggest a 3 month course of Lupron Depot as a pre-cycle Endo treatment, I was wary.  Wary because this drug has an entire website dedicated to the hatred of the dang thing.  When Dr. Awesome brought it up again, I figured it was time to dive in.  He promised we could do "add-back" therapy if things got too tough. With add-back therapy, you take a little bit of estrogen to keep the side effects at bay.  I really wanted to tough it out, though.  If the goal was to be estrogen-free, I wanted to do it right.  I'm proud to say that I have not needed to use any add-back.

Lupron works by making your pituitary gland stop telling your ovaries to produce hormones.  If estrogen is not being produced, then the endometriosis lesions have nothing to feed them, and the hope is that they will shrink.  As a Depot shot, there is a controlled release of the drug over time.  I've been on a 3.75 mg injection once a month for three months.  I have to go to my RE's office to get the injection, mostly because they are supposed to check in on you and your side effects.

I thought I'd lay out a list of common side effects and what my experience has been.  Every woman is different, and everyone's course on this drug is going to be unique.  There's just so much scary stuff out there, I thought it was important to weigh in.

Hot flashes and night sweats:  Um, yeah.  They are not fun.  They are uncomfortable and embarrassing.  For during the day, I've learned NOT to wear a jacket in the car under any circumstances.  My boss recently went through "the change" and she gave me her mini fan to sit on my desk. It helps a LOT.  I love to have a glass of wine now and then, but I find that if I have one, the hot flashes are worse for the next day.  So no wine.  At night, I don't wear much.  I also have a fan facing me.  God love J for putting up with it.  He says I toss and turn all night even with the fan, but at least I'm not waking up as much.

Headaches:  I have not had any headaches *knocks on wood*

Vaginal dryness:  Oh yeah.  I think that was my first side effect.  Nothing a little lube won't cure, friends.

Tiredness:  I wouldn't say that this is totally noticeable outside of nights I don't sleep well.  I do have some days when I'm on the treadmill and just feel like I have no energy to put one foot in front of the other, though, and that's been new.  Then I have days like today where I just don't feel like doing much.  For instance, this could be a much funnier post if I felt like it.  Sorry for you, you just get a list of my symptoms.  Tough shit, I'm menopausal.

Nausea/vomiting:  Nope (again with the wood knocking).

Fluid retention:  Nope.

Weight gain:  I've been working my ass off (literally) to lose weight since my first shot in early November.  I'm at almost 10 pounds.  It hasn't been any harder or easier than it usually is and weight loss has never been easy for me.  My appetite is greater than usual, though, so I've been tracking calories to keep myself accountable.

Acne:  No.  My skin has actually been super super dry.

Hirsutism:  Nope.  Stable hairiness level.

Loss of sex drive:  Totally gone.  Hugh Jackman could walk in all nakie and I'd be all, "Can I get you a cup of tea?  How about pants.  I'm pretty sure you'd like some pants."

Joint pain:  I have had some of this and it's been odd.  One day my left ring finger will hurt and the next day it will be my right knee, then my right hand.  Totally random, and a little scary to be honest.

Depression:  No.  I've actually been feeling pretty good.  I've chalked it up to not actively TTCing.

Dizziness:  Nope.

Breast changes/tenderness:  Actually, they've shrunk.  I don't think it's all weight loss either.  J is none too happy about this.  I hope they bounce back.  I am so funny.

Bone density loss:  I have no idea.  Since I'm only doing 3 months worth I'm not really at risk.  I have been taking my calcium just to cover my bases.

Insomnia:  For the first time in my life I've been experiencing this.  It is really not fun.  It's only been a few nights, but one night is too many!  I heart sleep.  I do not heart staring at the clock, wondering when I'm going to feel sleeping, thinking about how much tomorrow is going to suck.

Paranoia:  Holy crap this is weird.  Earlier this week I stopped my workout in a panic, completely certain that I had left the oven on at work.  I could not let it go.  I was sure that the whole office was going to burn down and it would be all my fault.  J had to talk me off the ledge and even after reminding me that it could be a side effect, I was still sure I left the oven on.  I hadn't of course.  Last night I was sure that J was hiding something from me.  He swears he's not.  I'm still not sure.

Mood swings:  I've had a couple, but they haven't been too bad.  We shall not discuss my irrationality in this forum, K?

Memory problems:  This has actually been entertaining.  Word finding has been the big issue for me.  I just stand there, snapping my fingers, muttering "You know, that girl who was here last week.  She had that one thing with the pink on it and her mom worked at that one place."  My mom thought this was hilarious over the holidays, my boss finds it equally laughable, and J has just learned to fill in the blanks.

So that's it!  It has been completely bearable for me.  The most important thing is that I have been PAIN FREE!!!!  Sex doesn't hurt, pooping doesn't hurt, gas bubbles don't hurt.  No random aches and pains in my pelvis and it's fabulous.  If only it could last forever.

Peace out from menopause land.

You Know You're Infertile When...

... you run out of refills on your prenatal vitamin prescription.

Temperately Zen

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I know I've been around and around and around with all but acceptance.  Today, I think I've found a little piece of acceptance.

We had our "summer school" today.  I call it summer school because apparently they make you do IVF class again every time you fail.  We have our calendar, we're starting stims sooner than I thought (the 19th!), the drugs are ordered, and insurance requests are in.

Whatever.

They took 6 vials of blood from me even though we'd already done the usual IVF blood work, and I didn't even really look to see what this draw was for.

Whatever.

I was happy to see the staff at the clinic and ask how their holidays were.  Being there is part of my life now, making these people just another part of my life.  Very nice people, I might add.  And when a woman came in behind us needing to be instructed on how to sign in, and another couple was brought back for what was obviously their first procedure, I found myself rooting for them.  I actually thought to myself, "Don't worry!  We're here.  We're the bad outcome in the room which means that statistically the odds are in your favor."

I'm not being flippant.  I'm not feeling "woe is me."  I'm not without hope.  I'm not anxious.  I just am.

I've followed doctor's orders and done everything I possibly can.  I've said my prayers and followed through on all opportunities with wishbones, shooting stars, and crooked necklaces.  If I've learned anything it's that it's all out of my hands.

Whatever the outcome, it really will be okay.

That being said, I reserve the right to revoke this feeling of calm and flip out again without sufficient notice.  If you find me missing from Acceptance, check out Anger.  I'll probably be there.