I am most certainly not the same person I was when this journey started. I'm a little rougher around the edges and slower to smile. Somehow I've managed to mix being less patient with people and being less likely to judge. I've lost a little of the silly and gained a big dose of reality. I'm learning that the life I once built for myself no longer fits the person I am. J has been coming to the same realization for himself.
This week has been full of eye opening moments at work. I've hit the wall. Working with children means that at some point, you will end up working with parents who do not make the best choices for their kids. Making decisions I don't necessarily agree with is one thing, making decisions that can hurt a child is another. I'm reaching the point where I can't watch it happen anymore. I can't help people who don't want to be helped. I can give a professional opinion along with all of the facts, and then sit back and watch opportunity after opportunity pass a child by over the next several years. At first I thought it came from a feeling of anger. Anger at people who are busy popping out children without a second thought and mistreating them while J and I can't even make a child. I told a coworker that I may consider a career change if the baby thing doesn't pan out. As I was talking I realized that it isn't even about a baby anymore. I'm just a completely different person and the old life doesn't fit the new me.*
I was talking about this with J and he said he's feeling the same way. He's at work having a hard time dealing with people whining about things he feels aren't worth whining about. Some of these things may have gotten a whine out of him a couple of years ago, but now he just wants to yell "GET OVER IT!"
So I guess we're both considering career shifts in the near future. That's exciting and scary all at the same time. The really scary thing is that J says, "Maybe if we don't have kids I'll start cultivating tomatoes for a living." He figures that if there isn't a "family" to support, he can slack off. My idea of a child-free career shift would mean making a crap ton of money so we can travel and spend money filling the giant childless hole that would be staring at us.
Hopefully we won't have to figure that out, but the changes infertility has brought to our personas is really starting to affect how we live our lives. It's interesting to watch it unfold.
*I feel like someone wrote about this concept recently, but I can't find it in my reader for the life of me. Maybe I was dreaming it, but if I wasn't, chime in and holler "it was me, dummy!"
I can relate to so much of what you wrote about. I work as a school therapist and some days I feel like I am torturing myself with that job. Over and over again seeing kids not being taken care of. I was even thinking this week about changing jobs. Sending you so many good vibes!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate too. I would imagine that education and the medical field are the worst to be in when you are TTC. Every time I see people whine in facebook about their babies (lack of sleep, sick, whatever) I have to resist the urge to say something. When I watch kids come into school with unwashed faces, dirty, hungry, whatever it really chaps my hide. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm a new reader here and had to comment because I am feeling the EXACT same way. I'm a school psychologist at an elementary school and worked long and hard to get my PhD. And yet, here I am absolutely feeling lost in my career after infertility has knocked me down. I can really relate to your statement of a different you not fitting in with your old life. I'm bombarded daily with problems that really aren't THAT problematic and parents making awful choices for their kids...it's just made me feel pretty done with everything. I have daydreams of walking out and getting a job doing something completely mind-numbing.
ReplyDeleteI hear you completely. I'm not the same "me" I was before. The problem is, I don't want to be a different me. I'm not content to move on to something new yet... It's just that the right now, sucks.
ReplyDeleteFunny that some of the others who have commented are therapists/psychologists as well. There must be some sort of nurturing/care-taking side of all of us (I'm a counsellor too). So sad to see those who are so willing to give and nurture, not be able to.
I totally relate. Working with children is so difficult. Seeing neglected kiddies struggle socially ... well, it's killer. Seeing parents pop out tons of kids with no effort, ugh. I hear you.
ReplyDeleteJust be good to yourselves.
I think the worst part of my job is feeling like I care more about random people's kids than they do. Too many kids in foster care, too many parents not giving a crap and expecting me to "fix" their child. Totally hear ya. But I think I felt that way long before I even met my husband.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the whole process changing you... sometimes in good ways and sometimes in ways that make you (both) really sad. I also feel a little unsure about my career right now, feel like it's not motivating me hugely and it's hard to feel at all motivated when all this is happening behind the scenes... but at the same time I'm sort of grateful for the perspective its given me too, in a totally weird way.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. For one thing, I don't ask my friends / family anymore when they are going to have kids (I didn't do it that often in the first place, but now I'm hyper aware of the insensitivity of the question). I think it's one of the rudest things you can say to someone about their personal life.
ReplyDelete