A Milestone Menage A Trois

This is my 200th post.  Within the next two weeks, we'll come upon the anniversary of my first visit to the RE and my first blog post.  Instead of depressing myself and all of you with three depressing posts in rapid succession, I'll try to make this one big post about what the last year and 200 posts has brought.  Or is that brung?  Is brung a word?  I'm pretty sure it isn't.

To go back and look at the posts from last September is like revisiting a diary for me.  There were so many things going though my head back then.  On one hand, I was hoping to tempt fate by starting an infertility blog.  A sad, smug, voice in my head thought that if I went so far as to start a blog, our first round of treatment would work and then  boy would I look silly!  On the other hand, the opposing little voice was afraid that this would be a long road.  But even that voice was intending for this space to be a place where I could record the journey and offer hope to others when they saw a shiny happy Hapa family at the end.

Instead, a year later, I have an unexpected life.  While I wouldn't wish this road on anyone, I feel like infertility had tried to test my fledgling marriage and we've been able to give it the middle finger.  I've learned that this man I married is 100% my partner and best friend.  The "for worse" part?  We can handle it.  It's a good thing to know this early in the game.  I've learned lessons that I didn't know I needed to learn.  Lessons about empathy, judgement, and identity.  I've learned that my body sucks, but my soul is more resilient than I knew it could be.  I've met new friends who I may never actually meet.  A whole community of amazing women who have kept me sane and become my strongholds.

Back then, the thought of not having children would pierce me like nothing else.  Even the thought of it would send me into racked sobs.  Now, a year later, I have a Child-free/less folder in my reader and I so look forward to unread posts showing up in that space.  Now the thought of not having children seems like an alternative rather than a painful sentence.  Somedays it actually feels like a welcome alternative.

So here were are, three IUIs, two IVFs, and a two-for-one surgery later and not a double pink line to show for it.  It's been a rough year, an emotional year, but an important year.  I can't say that I've reached a point where I'm glad to be experiencing infertility, but I am grateful for what I am learning.