We have a saying in our office. It's kind of tongue in cheek and kind of true. "Leave 'em where Jesus flung 'em." Sometimes we see kid who has such a complicated lot in life, that any intervention on our part would make it even more complicated. When we hit the wall with a situation that is just beyond us, we say "poor kid's done been flung." Sounds callus now that I'm tying it out, but it's really not meant that way. Sometimes I wonder if J and I have been flung and we just don't know it yet.
Tonight, we start Gonal-F injections for IVF deux. The days leading up to some point yesterday were filled with so much hope. Since last go around, I've had a lap to have endo removed, a hysteroscopy where they removed some "irregular lining," a month of doxycycline, and we're adding in ICSI. "How can this not work?" we were asking ourselves.
At some point yesterday it hit us. What if it still doesn't work? What if we've been though all of this and we still have crappy fertilization? What then? It could happen. There are certainly no guarantees. All of the sudden, we're feeling really anxious. We feel like we're heading down a rabbit hole and the wonderland on the other side will be either awesome or awful. If we get a good fert rate, but I still don't get pregnant, I'd feel good giving it another go. If we still get a shitty fert rate, I'll probably like I've done gotten flung.
I'm not ready to face that reality yet. As much as I talk with J and my family about how okay I would be without a biological child, I'm not ready to face the thought of giving up on my body.
Please let this work.
July 14, 2012
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I'll be thinking of you! You're going to beat me to the injections; my Puregon doesn't start until next Thursday!!
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you for not wanting to give up yet - that painless period!!! I have hope for you! I hope this cycle works, or if it doesn't that you have great fertilization this time and have more chances. You'll know if / when it's time to switch strategies, and it doesn't seem that now is that time.
ReplyDeleteHold onto that hope. You're beginning again, this time with better odds than last time because you have more information and know what to do differently--and with a shiny, clean ute on top of all of that! Wishing you the best of luck this cycle!
ReplyDeleteYou should feel very confident about using ICSI and having good fertilization. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI think everything you're feeling is normal. When we went in for IVF1.5 I was ready to move on if it didn't work and just call it a sign from up high, but that still didn't make it easy and I was still a nervous wreck the whole cycle! I'll be praying for you guys that ICSI does the trick to make your perfect little hapa babies a reality!
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