One of the blogs I like to follow is from The Infertility Therapist. She recently made a post on sex and infertility and I was really excited to read it. I miss what my sex life used to be like, and while I know we will get it back at some point, I hate what it is now. I realize that it all stems from me. So when I read her article, I was a little disappointed. She hit the highlights. The stuff everyone says is the cause for the deplete-o libido, but it didn't really resonate with me. I know I've posted on this subject before, and I even submitted that post to Mel's Analogy Project. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, though, and for me at least I think there's another reason for my lack of excitement about sex. So I'm gunna bare it all here, ladies. I'm sorry if this post puts my blog into the "high" category of your internet smut-o-meter. I'll try to keep it classy.
Infertility has tried to take the mystery and intimacy out of sex for us. Between wandings, charting, IUIs, discussions, semen profiles, and endless stirrup encounters, my lady parts and what is done with them has been under intense scrutiny. Even with all of the intimacy infiltrations, the actual act of sex is between J and I. Just us. We don't have to be in the same room to attempt to make a baby, but when the lights go out at night, it's just us. It's our time to be husband and wife. That's when my guard comes down. That's when I can shed the shell of normalcy I built to get through the day. J is the only person I do this with. The only person I trust with this. I'm the only person he trusts to hold his armor. I'm honored to be that person and I'm filled with gratitude that I have such an amazing man to hold on to mine. But when our armor is off, we are at our most vulnerable. Sex amplifies that vulnerability, a billion-fold.
When everything is said and done, I will cry. I will lose control and I will cry that cry that I know you all know. That cry that comes with sounds you didn't know you could make... that comes from a place you didn't know existed. That cry. I hate that cry. I hate making J see that cry. I hate what I feel when that cry comes on. I don't want to do it. I don't want to get to that place. I don't want to lose the only semblance of control I have in this mess. I don't want that kind of sadness to be constantly entwined with intimacy.
So our sex life suffers. I'm afraid to enjoy it because I don't want to get to the crying part, but I don't want to lay there like a dead fish either. (So much for the classy!) Instead, I avoid it, which isn't helping anything or anyone.
I'm putting myself out there, sisters. Please tell me this resonates with someone else.
April 8, 2012
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Absolutely! For a long time, for me, there was a sense of hopelessness that came with having sex. Along with the vulnerability. And when Hubby was the one who wasn't in the mood because of all the hormonal havoc, I was actually relieved. Now it's all on me again, and I feel guilty and scared and mad at myself, when all I really want to feel is sexy. So, yeah, you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteYou are most definitely not alone. I have a huge sense of 'what's the point' sometimes. My husband has feelings of inadequacy (and we know the problem isn't with him), so that's tough to combat. I look back at our sex life and I wonder how it came to this. Yet another reason to hate my ovaries!
ReplyDeleteI'm ashamed to say that I'm using this IVF cycle as a break from the sadness that often comes with sex. I feel so heartbroken for my hubby, and pray we'll get things back when all is said and done.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand also. Last April, after we got my husbands diagnosis I had the same problem. I didn't want to even look at him because I was mad at his body for not working! I also thought what is the point of sex and got emotional during/afterwards. So far, it's gotten better for me except that my husband's drive is almost non existent so it's all me. :( You are NOT alone in this!
ReplyDeleteI used to cry right after sex with my to-be hubby a lot in college. It was just this cry that would come up uncontrollably right afterwards, like an aftershock. And he would hold me and ask me why I was crying and back then I didn't know. I would say, I don't know I just feel so much emotion right now and I just love you so much. Now it happens again sometimes (though not every time) since IF. But now the crying has so much more meaning. For some reason though, I don't dread it. I think the way sex makes you let your guard down, opening up the gates for this greater release that you so needed but weren't letting yourself have. I always feel better after getting it all out though yes, it is a little embarrassing sometimes too.
ReplyDelete"I'm afraid to enjoy it because I don't want to get to the crying part, but I don't want to lay there like a dead fish either."
ReplyDeleteYes. This. I wish it wasn't this way, but you've really just hit it on the head. That sadness is always just an inch away, and sometimes anything at all that undoes my carefully contrived artificial calm is enough to bring it right back.
girl this TOTALLY resonates with me! thanks for opening up and posting- it's one of the topics I have yet to get around to discussing. Hubster and I are were working through this, but yes, our sex-life suffers too. But like Shelley, I am learning to open myself up that greater release. When I can allow myself to do it, we grow even more close.
ReplyDeleteps-i tagged you in a post...i hope you play along because I'd like to know more about you! :-) http://dogmomchasingthestork.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/ill-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours-lets-play/