The back story: We didn't do a big "We're trying" announcement like some people do. #1 It really bugs me when people do that. Like we need to know your sex life now has purpose. #2 I'd been told I might have a hard time getting pregnant so no need to throw all of that out in the universe. #3 We started before the wedding... so it was a little redneck of us. (Please see #2 for an explanation of the pre-wedding procreation attempts). Okay that's it for the backstory.
A friend of mine got married last fall and announced her pregnancy a couple of weeks before my wedding. She was a bridesmaid. She was only about 5 weeks along when she told us, but didn't want to be announcing anything at the wedding, which was nice of her. At that point we'd been trying for a few months and I was learning about charting. She got pregnant on her first try. Even though we had only been at it for a few months, I was jealous. I hated feeling that way. I really hated it. She was my friend and I should be nothing but thrilled for her, right?
I got my period on my wedding day. Not a fun day for AF to rear her ugly head. But it was the happiest day of my life and not even the witch was able to take me down. Since it was a wedding and my bridesmaid was newly pregnant, the talk around the table naturally moved to pregnancy and we could at least admit that we wanted a family right away. I have to say, that hearing the baby talk among the THREE women seated at our table who all got pregnant on their first tries (four pregnancies total) made me super thankful for Mr. Right's gentle hand squeezes. So when my newly pregnant friend was telling me how ridiculous temping was and that all you had to do was have sex every other day, I gave pause, but thought that maybe she was right.
Now I know better, but I still want to poke her eyeballs out and I hate that.
She didn't know what I was going through and she still doesn't. She can't know. Do I wish she could have been more empathetic in that moment and the moments since? Sure. But it really isn't her problem. It's mine. My jealousy is my problem. I don't want to be jealous, but I don't know how.
She emailed a couple of months ago to be sure I was alive. I told her we were starting treatment. I admitted I was jealous and I apologized for being a shitty friend. I told her I was happy for her and excited to play auntie, but that I was having a hard time. And she was great. She really was. She said that she wanted us to have a baby, said she was praying for us, and offered her love and support. Have I been a better friend since then? Nope.
Now she's about to drop said baby any day. I can't even manage to buy him a gift. I want to. I'm excited for her and I really am looking forward to this little guy joining our circle. Man that jealousy mountain is large.
When I know someone struggled for a pregnancy, I have no problem being nothing but excited and happy for them. When they got pregnant by sneezing, it's another story. When it comes to this friend, I don't want to just swallow it and put on a smile. It really isn't her problem and I don't want to be so self centered. She deserves everyone around her to be happy and all about her right now.
So how do I become a genuinely shiny happy person?
November 22, 2011
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Hi from ICLW!
ReplyDeleteI so truly understand what you are saying about it being so hard to be excited for a friend who seems to get pregnant by sneezing. I have a friend who just told me she is pregnant with #2 (after barely trying...) and even though my sweet one is now 8 months old, I still felt that green eyed monster cropping up behind my smile.
For me, it seemed impossible to be a genuinely shiny, happy person while struggling so hard behind the scenes. I do know it just became about survival. When I felt up to it, I could reach out and celebrate, but when I couldn't, I reached inward and did my best to take care of myself. Looking back, I did the best I could.
I do wonder if I could have been happier sometimes, maybe I felt extra sorry for myself and let infertility decide how my day was going to go. There may have been times I could have reached further to find that shiny happy person, but sometimes she wasn't there and that was OK.
I'm not sure I gave you any advice, but I wanted you to know you are not alone!
Amy
Oh, and I got my period on my wedding day too! ;)
I don't want to be jealous, but I don't know how.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I have no idea, if you figure it out please tell me. Statistically, it shouldn't be possible that everyone I know gets pregnant the first month they try... so how come they all did?
I tell myself my real friends will understand if I have to put some distance between us at some points.
Ugh! I totally understand. I am incredibly jealous of my sister-in-law who miscarried shortly after I did earlier this year. She's pregnant and I can't stand to hear anything about it. It kills me. As a result, I've reduced communication. I'll be happy once the baby is born but it's so hard.
ReplyDeleteHugs! Know that you are not alone!
Can totally empathize with you on this one! I think part of the reason I have pushed all my friends aside while dealing with this second miscarriage is that they are newly pregnant or just have young babies. I can't look them in the eye without being totally jealous and angry at their blessings! It isn't right. I think control - or needing to feel in control - has a lot to do with things. I have felt better (still not 100%) when I have accepted that we don't have control over this roller-coster. I'm sorry you are feeling these feelings. You are definitely not alone! Vent as much as you need to here!! It's what it's there for!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE people who say it's really easy. Seriously. It's so condescending. My (not-anymore) best friend went off the pill Sept 1 and got pregnant Sept 9. Seriously. And she thinks I'm over-reacting.
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy to not be jealous. So don't beat yourself up.
It's hard. It's just hard. Two of my friends got pregnant just by looking at their husbands. Seriously! I'm jealous too so if it helps, you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou are most certainly not alone! It's impossible not to be a little jealous because it just seems soooooo unfair! It's hard!
ReplyDeleteI sent you an award - see it on my blog :)
ReplyDeleteAnother one who got her period on her wedding day over here.
ReplyDeleteJealousy is a hard one to master; my sister has recently started trying and I'm already praying about my reaction when she gets a positive test.
Thinking of you.
It is completely normal to feel that way.
ReplyDeleteI found rather then fight those feeling I blog about them and just let them go. I find it so much easier to deal with life that way rather then trying to ignore them
Happy ICLW
#68
Hi...visiting from ICLW. I completely understand how you are feeling too. It seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life. I try to remember it's not their fault I'm not able to have a baby and they are entitled to talk about their joy....but it's hard isn't it?
ReplyDeletei got my af on my wedding day too..... it sucked but i didnt let it get me down...
ReplyDeleteso sorry you are having tose jealousy feelings they suck. i am going on 3 years ttc and i am sad to say i still have them. i mean its a little easier, but it sucks to be jealous.
hoping you start to feel better about the baby coming
iclw