On Friday I spent most of the day doing some testing with our post-doc. She's an MD, PhD. You know, a super intelligent, science minded woman. Like everyone else in my office, she knows what we've been up to in the department of uterine invasions.
I was giving her a ride back to my office, somehow the topic of having babies came up and I said something along the lines of, "I honestly can't fathom how anyone gets pregnant naturally at this point." You guys, I can't believe the crap that came next.
"My husband just has to touch me and I get pregnant."
"You guys just need more time."
"It will happen, you just need to relax."
"My friend went through IVF and it didn't work, then she adopted and poof! She got pregnant."
I'm not even sure she took a breath between the above statements. I said, "Ming, I'm on my 3rd transfer. This is not about relaxing or being patient." That didn't satisfy her either.
At that moment, I was so sick and tired of our trials being trivialized. We're coming up on two years, here. Two years of trying is nothing to shake a stick at. Our year of treatment contains plenty of "proof" that we have suffered. So I laid it out there.
"They have to physically inject J's sperm into my eggs because it doesn't happen on its own."
She giggled.
"No really. On our first round, we let nature take its course in the dish and it didn't work."
"Really?"
"Really."
"So you really can't get pregnant on your own?"
"I wouldn't go through all of this if I could."
That shut her up.
It gave me a new perspective. A very smart woman with multiple medical degrees was somehow going through her life thinking that IVF was less than necessary. Even she believed that fertility is a function of relaxation level rather than a biologic mechanism. The cultural views on baby making must be insanely deep if that can happen. How can we ever dig out from under the stereotypes and misinformation if female scientists are out there believing that IVF is for people who are too impatient to just relax?
Anyways, peace out people. The hubmeister and I are off for our waiting game peace out up in the mountains. See you on Beta day!
October 7, 2012
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My years in grad school and working in labs have proven that while people might be intelligent on paper they may not be very smart (not saying I am any better then them too). I still don't get why people think anyone would do IVF over the alternative unless they had to but then again most people have no idea what IVF involves and they think it is a guarantee. I had my only family members tell me "why don't you just do IVF" to which I answered "we have three times (with a silent f you)." Take care.
ReplyDeleteEven though I shouldn't be speechless, I am. Will ignorance never change on this subject? Do people not realize to say something like that, #1 is insensitive and #2 just stupid. I think you handled it so well though. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteI've said it before and I'll say it again: unless you've been through it, you're usually clueless to this process. The truth is, most of us will learn about a topic when things go wrong. It's most certainly true with scientists too, as we really learn the ins and outs of a process when things fail to work (hence the reason most of us study mutations, etc).
ReplyDeleteUntil infertility and loss become less taboo, many people will choose to hold fast to the myths and misconceptions. And that includes those who spend 8 yrs doing a PhD/MD program.
Somehow it's always shocking when someone doesn't understand why we go through IVF. I mean, I've heard the stupid, uneducated comments enough times that it shouldn't surprise me anymore but it still does. And it shocks me that it's against certain religions. I can't begin to fathom why they don't understand or see that IF is a disease just like cancer or anything else. It makes me wonder how educated our law makers are on the subject too since it is still so rare for IVF to be covered by insurance.
ReplyDeleteI let out a huge groan when I read that. I mean, come on people. I guess Cristy is right, you don't know until you've been there. But grrrr. This is why I love doing Bitter Infertiles! I think we need to have more conversations going in the mainstream about what this is really like because people just don't know and that makes this soo much harder. Hugs to you for dealing with it as best you can. And I hope your mini vacation is amazing. Can't wait for you to come back!!
ReplyDeleteoh, what an idiot! I know what you mean about expecting more from people in that kind of situation... I can't believe how little people understand about infertility - and make such stupid ridiculous comments based on that ignorance. I'm glad you set her straight.
ReplyDeletePeople are so dumb! I had a similar horrific conversation not long ago in June called God has a sense of humor. I'd paste a link but this freaking iPad has a damn mind of its own. When she left the car did your face meet your palm?
ReplyDeleteIt's true, even smart people DO NOT GET IT. You did good.
ReplyDeleteENJOY your mountain retreat!
What is WRONG with people? I mean, really, what is wrong with people? And this woman is an M.D.? I think the part that burns me the most is that she giggled when you mentioned ICSI. Yeah, it's a high-larious party in the lab when we get to sperm-injectin' time! And egg retrieval? That's just a barrel of laughs! As if anyone would EVER go through IVF if they hadn't already tried "relaxing," or eating pineapple, or whatever goofy sexual position you're supposed to use, etc., etc. I can't believe that someone in the medical field would fail to understand that this is a NECESSARY medical procedure. It sounds like you handled it really well and were able to explain it to her (not that it's your responsibility to explain yourself), so kudos to you.
ReplyDeleteOh my gawd. I'm pretty sure I would have kicked her right out of the car. Without even slowing down.
ReplyDeleteYou handled it beautifully.
AAARGHHHHHHH!!!!! I simply can't believe this woman!???? When are people going to GET IT!??? Makes my blood boil. ... good for you for handling her so well :-) Enjoy the mountain vacation xx
ReplyDeleteHow can you think that and have an MD/PhD? People terrify me.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is exactly why I'm a loud mouth about my infertility and will talk to anyone who wants to listen. There are sooooo many people who are just plain ignorant about infertility. I'm proud of you for speaking up and not just sitting in silence. You are a strong woman. Enjoy your get-a-way!
ReplyDeleteOkay, you haven't posted in over a week. When is beta day and how are you doing/feeling? I'm dying to hear from you!
ReplyDeleteI hope you're ok! When's your beta? x
ReplyDelete