A Tale of Two Emails

On the day of our Beta, I got some interesting emails.  The first was from my mother.  It said the following:

"I know you are at work and you are trying to hold on.  I am so sorry. 

Have you and [J] considered a surrogate?  I know I’m an old woman, but older women than me have done this for their daughters.   I’ll be your oven if you want me to be.  I’ll even give up Diet Coke!"

I seriously have the best mother ever.  When I called her to tell her that I didn't feel comfortable having my 58 year old mother (who will easily be at least 59 by the time any baby is born) risk her health by carrying our child, she was crushed.  "But I've done it three times!"  she cried.  I explained that we don't even know if surrogacy would be an answer and reminded her that a) her son is planning a wedding and b) she has osteoporosis and c) she lives over 800 miles away.  She sobbed on the phone with me.  She feels so much pain.  My sister keeps her children away from my mother.  She has three grandchildren that she has met one time each.  She isn't allowed to talk to them, see them, or send them gifts.  When I think about the fact that I may not be able to give that hole a little patch for her, it makes my bones ache.  The kicker is that she doesn't even think about that.  Her pain is only a reflection of our pain.

Then I got another message.  This was from a friend who didn't know about our negative yet.  It was from someone who has been a darned good friend, actually, and she was emailing to check in on us.  Here is a highlight:

"Just throwing this out there, but have you thought about maybe ... just enjoy each other for a while.  You never know what can happen when you just relax and maybe let it happen?"   

Thankfully she ended it with:

"...you can tell me to jump off a bridge if you want!!"  

!*@#&

I called my mother back pissed as hell.  I totally knew my mom was going to say "She's coming from a good place and she means well."  I know that's the truth, but STILL!  Instead my mom was totally with me in the ridiculousness   It was J who called me down to earth.

"She's been a really good friend to you," he reminded me.  He's right.  I'm sure this is information coming from her mother.  I could almost hear her voice when I was reading it, actually.  This sort of "relax" information is what's out there in the world.  It's what our parents believed and what their parents believed and the media likes to perpetuate it.  She really is trying to be helpful, no matter how misguided it is.  And J pointed out that I have had some supposedly good friends who have completely disappeared.  He asked me which I would rather... the friends who check in and support us, but make occasionally stupid comments, or the friends who have left us in the dust?

I'd really rather they were all like my mom, offering up their wombs in recognition of our pain.  That's a tad bit unrealistic though, so I guess I'll take the misguided but well meaning comments.  I'll write her back and gently remind her that infertility is a disease and that relaxing doesn't cure endometriosis any more than it cures diabetes... and so it goes...