A Weighty Issue

There have been a lot of posts in the blog-o-sphere lately about weight.  All of us undergoing infertility treatment know how much of a struggle this is.  Whether it's from stress eating or hormones, it blows, and most of us have experienced this.  So I'm going to take this opportunity to out myself.  I'm outing myself as a fattie. Actually, I'm worse than a fatty.  I'm a yo-yoer.  I'm going to include some pictures here for illustration, but in an effort to remain pseudo-anonymous, I will put swell purple sunglasses on myself.

Dancer Me

Back in the day, I was a dancer.  People stare at me incredulously when I say this now, but I really was.  I was damned good at it too.  I studied ballet, tap, jazz, modern... the whole nine.  I performed in a professional show or two.  I got a college scholarship for ballet.  I was bad ass.  When college came around, it dawned on me that this whole dancer thing couldn't last very long at 4'11," and I gave up studying ballet.  I danced on the dance team like a big cheese ball while I was in school, but the damage was done.  My body was used to ballerina starvation and 15 hours a week of class.  Gone were the days when I would fret if the needle on the scale got too close to 100. That seems so silly now.

Super Sized Me

I fought my weight in college, but then grad school hit and all bets were off! I was in a challenging academic program, working two jobs, living with a douche-canoe of a boyfriend, and watching my family crumble around me with my father's craziness coming to light.  Food became my comfort and I got fat.  Really fat.  I was well into the obese category before I could even blink.  I was having so many aches and pains and trying to chase a diagnosis for my weight gain and ailments.  A visit to a rheumatologist actually set me on the right track.  He asked me to bend over and touch my toes and I couldn't. When I burst into tears, he point blank asked me the real reason I was fat.  After I spewed out all of my life struggles, he told me that needed to lose weight and that I would feel better.  This kind man, who was no skinny-mini himself, talked to me about finding alternatives to food when I needed comfort.

When the douche-canoe moved out, I moved back home with my mom while I finished grad school.  In no time at all, I had dropped a good chunk of the weight before moving up north for a few years.  I finally got myself out of the obese category and have managed to stay out of it for 10 years now.  Giving up red meat has helped a lot, because it keeps me out of the drive-through.  If you aren't going to get a burger, it's a pretty crappy place to be. 

Bride Me

When I met J, I was psyched when I learned that he used to be a fatty too.  Having a guy who "got it" was really appealing.  He does "get it," which is great, but there is a real down side to having a fellow fat fighter as a husband.  We have recently learned that we rock at enabling each other.  "I had a rough day, Babe.  Know what sounds good?  Chocolate," quickly translates into a Ben and Jerry's run.  Throw progesterone supplements into the mix, and I put on weight during this infertility journey faster than you can say "artificial reproductive technology."

There are about 20 pounds that I fight, and right now, every single one of them is on me.  I'm comfortable 10 pounds lighter than where I am, and thrilled when I'm 20 pounds lighter than where I am.  If I gain 12 pounds, my BMI would register as obese.  If I lose 10, I can be considered "normal" again.

You name the diet, I've done it.  But the most effective plan for me has been the one recommended by a nutritionist I saw a few years ago.  The problem is that it sucks... a lot.  At my height and with my history of bouncing around, I should only eat 1000 calories a day. Do you know how hard it is to eat that little calories and still get the nutrients you need?  Do you know how boring it is?  Do you know how terrifying it is to eat so few calories when you're trying to make a dang baby?  So I've let myself slide a bit, and I'm not happy about it.

Current Me

You name the exercise, I've done that too.  Running and I do not get a long.  I gave it a good college try.  I really did.  I even ran a 10 miler and finished in my goal time, but runners trots do not a happy Lisa make.  Besides, it didn't help much in the weight department and why torture myself with something I hate if it doesn't help?  Yoga, Pilates, P90X, dance classes, Zumba, elliptical, cycling...  The only thing that I can really stick to is walking.  I walk fast and for a long time.  I really need to add some weight training in again.

So here I am, getting ready for another IVF cycle at a weight I'm really not happy with.  I got 5 of the IVF pounds off, only to magically gain 4 of them back with my lap.  You'd think a few days with very little food after having someone dig around in your gut would help with weight loss, but not for me!  My body hates me.

Can I make it though a cycle with little to no gain? Anyone else out there struggling with weight and want to help keep each other accountable?  Who's in this with me?