Shit My Husband Says

Talked to the nurses.  It's fine that I tested on day 15 rather than 18 - she doesn't think I jumped the gun.  We're trying to get my meds ordered to go again, but Aetna is being a butt head and I'm pretty sure I have a cyst anyway so I'm not feeling overly anxious.  I think what sucks about a BFN is that you're faced with the whole cycle of grief all over again.  For me, it's a matter of facing denial again.  I have to admit, there was this little voice in the back of my head that said "There's nothing REALLY wrong with you.  You had four follies and there's nothing wrong with you, so now you're going to end up with quadruplets."  So when there's a great response to stims, your hubby gives you 20 mill post wash, a really nice doctor places those babies right up in there (supposedly next to at least one egg - if not 4), and you STILL get a BFN it's time to face the music.  There is in fact something really wrong with you.

But I'm feeling better, and I'm about to tell you why.  My husband (whom I will now call J because Mr. Right is a lame name) wrote a journal for himself today and emailed it to me.  He agreed to let me post it as a "guest blogger."  I think it's healthy to see a man perspective now and again.  Now, J actually writes as a hobby and had a screen play get awards and stuff, so don't get too attached to him... you're still stuck with me.  I'm feeling better because I'm married to him.  Yes, I waited a little longer than your average gal to find the right guy, but I'd rather be childless and married to him that have a bevy of munchkins and some d-bag to come home to every night.  At the end of the day, no matter what happens, I'm married to someone who loves me and gets it.  Eat your heart out ladies, I'm married to this:

Everything happens for a reason. Really?

I've heard this statement countless times and I'm sure that I've said it in passing on more than one occasion.

As of today, I'm never going to use this statement ever again.  It is my promise.  My word.  My bond.  Never again.

I understand the sentiment and I understand the reasoning behind it.  It's an attempt to explain a situation for which there is no sound reasoning or justification.

My wife, Lisa, is the most amazing person in the world.  I knew this fact  when I started dating her and this fact was affirmed the day I married her.  Ever since, we have embarked on a journey together to start a family and have our very own hapa (aka Swirlie).  Neither one of us really comprehended how difficult this journey was going to be.  Let me re-phrase.  Maybe she did.  She is, after all, smarter and more intuitive than I can ever hope to be.  I, on the other hand, just figured it would eventually work out for us.  I mean why wouldn't it.  We're both educated, responsible, and socially conscious people.  I recycle most of the time.  I've thought about slapping the stupid out of people, but I have yet to act on this impulse.  This is not to say that we are perfect...far from it.  But let's be honest, we're good people.  We do not deserve this and damn it, we deserve better.  She deserves better.

I understand this argument is completely irrational and not grounded on a single iota of factual data.  But I'm hurting and I'm allowed.  

By all accounts, the IUI cycle didn't take.  We knew the chances were small.  Something like 10% or less.  It was a shot in the dark, but it was a shot.  And as long as there is a shot, there is hope.  Therein lies the rub.  Hope cannot exist in a vacuum.  Where there is hope, there is also pain and disappointment.

This is the running dialogue I have in my head.

Me:  Yeah, the IUI cycle didn't take this time.  The test came back negative.

Random Person:  That's tough.  I'm sorry to hear that.

Me:  Thanks.  We're hopeful.  We're not giving up.

Random Person:  Everything happens for a reason.

Me:  Really?  Any clues -- jackass!

Everything does not happen for a reason.  Things happen.  It's life.  I can't explain it any better than that.  I wish I could.  I really do.

The one thing I can take from this is how unbelievably strong and gracious my wife has been throughout this entire process.  She rocks.  One day, I hope to be able to repay her in some way.  Until that day, I'm going to keep loving her the best I can.