Yes, I Am That B@*%h

You all are about to find out some not so nice things about me.  J gave me permission to post this info because this blog is my outlet and I promised to blog all the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This is ugly and I'm not apologizing for it.

When J gave his first sample for an SA at the clinic, there was serious performance anxiety.  To the point that the doctor actually called us and said that there was "no way in hell" that we would get pregnant on our own.  Turns out J just couldn't do it in the office.  He was distracted by hearing the nurses outside the room and he's "just not that into himself" if you know what I mean.  So we collected a second sample at home and it was great.  Super sperm.  When we did our first IUI it was the weekend.  He armed himself with "entertainment" on his iPhone.  There was no one in the clinic that day.  The sample was smaller than that last time, but still, it was fantastic.

I was really nervous about this time.  I asked if he wanted to collect at home.  He said it would be fine.  I reminded him that this time would be a weekday and there would be loads of people in the clinic.  He said it would be fine.  I emailed him an article about things you can do to overcome "performance anxiety" when giving a sample in the clinic.  He didn't do them.  He said it would be fine.  I asked if he needed to download a fresh set of "entertainment."  He didn't.  He said it would be fine.  I asked if he wanted me to go back there with him.  He was that would be worse than doing it alone and that it would be fine.

It was not fine.

After sitting in the waiting room for him for an hour (!) I was feeling like I wanted to climb the walls.  He told me it didn't go well.  The performance anxiety was an issue as expected.

Our post was count was 240,000.  Yes, the coma is in the right place.  Yes, there are only 4 zeros.  Volume was 1/2 ML.  We still did it.  I mean, what the hell else were we supposed to do?

Here's the ugly.  I'm feeling no sympathy.  I'm pissed.

We went from being told we could have triplets to being told there was a less than 1% chance of success this cycle in a span of 2 days.  I made 5 freakin follicles.  I've been shot, I've had hot flashes, I've had mood swings, I've been dehydrated, I've gained weight, I've cried, I've cramped, I've left rehearsal to shoot myself in the bathroom.  I feel like this was completely avoidable.  He knew it could be an issue and he knew how to prevent it.  I feel like he let his pride get in the way.  I feel completely let down.  I feel incredibly disappointed.  I feel like my faith in him has been shaken.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way because it would be hard to be in his situation.  But I also know that we do not have an MFI issue and he created one for us yesterday.  And when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I would have been able to do it if I were in his situation.  Because I am a planner.  I see what the road blocks are and I make a plan B.  He took the risk of not following a plan B and he lost.  That was not the place to take a risk.

So I'm pissed.  And I know that's a dirty way to feel, but I want off of the effing train and I feel like J leaned against the door and blocked my exit.  I know I need to get over it.  So call me all the names you want, but I'm still pissed.