"Just Give Up and Adopt"

I was filling my mom in on all the recent RE drama.  She was, of course, quite distraught at the whole invasiveness of the next steps.  She kept talking about how proud she was of us and how strong we are.  I'm beginning to learn that.

Then she said, "You know, people keep asking me why you guys don't just give up and adopt, but I just think you have to exhaust all of your options."

By "people" she means my Midwestern, Tea Party leaning, old as dirt aunts and uncles I'm sure.  And probably a cousin or two.  It really bothers me to know that people are out there talking about us behind our backs.  They are judging the choices we are making without having one iota of what we are going through.  They sit among their swarms of grandchildren and judge.  We're Catholic.  The swarms are large.

I filled my mom in on my thoughts, which are by no means new to her, nor are they anything she disagrees with.  She's used to me spewing out my thoughts argumentatively even though she totally agrees with everything I'm saying.  I repeated that adoption is a choice and is by no means "giving up."  That there is no "just" about any of this.  That adoption isn't the responsibility of the infertile.  That we have insurance coverage for IF, but not money to adopt.  And then I told her what I've been afraid to tell her for months:

"If this doesn't work out.  We're leaning towards just not having any kids."
"That's okay, Lisa."
"We want a biological baby, just like everybody else wants."
"Of course you do.  Just be open to changing your mind."
"We are, but right now... I just couldn't forgive myself if I wasn't sure I did everything I could."
"I know."
"Mom, we don't want to raise someone else's baby.  We want to raise our baby."
"That's okay, Lisa."
"Sometimes I feel really guilty about that, because I know the whole world thinks adoption is what you're supposed to do when you can't have a baby on your own."
"There is no reason to feel guilty.  Even if it doesn't work out, look at your life!  Look at your husband!  You will be fulfilled.  Everything will be okay, no matter what, and you will still be a wonderful person.  Even without children you ARE a wonderful person."

I cannot tell you how badly I needed to hear that.

Every mother of every woman who cannot get pregnant on their own needs to tell her that they are wonderful.  IF makes you feel like a failure as a woman, as a wife, as a member of the world.  When your mother tells you that despite your inability to make babies you are still wonderful to her, everything feels better for a moment at least.  And when she is accepting of your "child free plan B"... well hot damn.