Jiminy Christmas

My RE called last night for an impromptu WTF.  I certainly don't mind the phone call vs office visit scenario.  He's kind of socially awkward and seems to do better on the phone.  Also, I'm down with the lack of copay for these phone calls.

He was so kind.  He genuinely seemed very surprised by our poor fertilization and negative beta.  He said we would definitely do ICSI, but that there was no guarantee that it would fix things for us.  He wants to do an endometrial biopsy, which seems to be pretty standard after a failed IVF, so while I'm certainly  not psyched about it, I will sign up for more cervical suction cups and catheters.

Then he started talking about the endo issue.  About 10 years ago, I had symptoms that led my then Gyno to suspect endometriosis. She put me on the pill and there I sat.  Truth be told, I had symptoms long before that, but I also had an asshat for an Gyno when I was young and naive who said "Yup, periods hurt."  He was a dude.  Surprised?  Anyway, they have never seen any evidence of endo on my ovaries, so they assumed that if it were endo, it couldn't be severe.  He said that there is a chance that I could have severe endo that just isn't on my ovaries, and while it would be rare, it could affect egg quality and fertilization rates.  He didn't come out and say it, but I think the fact that we had a few fertilize, ended up with a couple of embryos, and I didn't get pregnant leads him to think this is an egg issue and not some subtle sperm issue.

So he wants to do one of two things.  Either assume I have endo and put me on Lupron for 2 1/2 months or do a lap.  I was down for the lap right then and there.  For one thing, I need to know.  For another, I ain't takin' something as evil as Lupron without knowing if I really need it or not.  For a third, I have a big history of early onset osteoporosis in my family that includes my mother.  I do NOT need to encourage that shit and I certainly don't need to shrink for the love of all that is good and holy.  No Sally Field meds to be added to my cocktail, thank you very much.

He didn't want me to make any decisions yet.  He wanted us to sit on it for a bit and then come in and talk to him about all the pros and cons.  He's never seemed very psyched about the thought of a lap and hasn't come out and said why.  Before it was just that he thought IVF would circumvent the issue, but he doesn't have that to fall back on anymore.  He said any surgery was a big deal and the Lupron is a big deal too.  I send babies off to surgery on a daily basis so maybe that's why I'm a little desensitized to the whole surgery thing, I don't know.  He kept talking about how emotional this all is and that we just had a big blow.  While I appreciate the sentiment, all I kept thinking was that it was one of a million other nasty blows and we just want to keep chugging along.  He recommended seeing their therapist and I thought that was a good idea.  Lord knows I'm as anxious as all get out these days. 

The RE kept repeating, "The biggest predictor of outcome is age and you have that on your side."  I wanted to yell, "FOR HOW LONG!?"  I turned 34 a month ago.  The magic number will be here before I know it.  Every time we make a decision, another cycle goes by before we can act on it and another month is lost.

I just hate wasting time.  I feel like there will be an end to all of this at some point and I want to get there.  Whether that's end comes with a baby or not... I just want to know what's on the other side.  I want to stop hurting.  I want to see my husband enjoy 24 whole hours of happiness.  I want my life to revolve around something else.

If you've gotten this far, I appreciate it and apologize for your eye strain.  Got any advice?  To Lap or to Lup?