I had recently forgotten some detail of treatment, but remembered that I had emailed my mom about it. So I searched my email for "IVF" and of course hit the information jackpot! So I shuffled through them as best as I could and ran across an email I had sent two girlfriends when we found out we had to move on to IVF. An email that went completely unanswered.
Truthfully, it's been amazing to see the support we've gotten from unexpected places. A friend back home from grade school has been a wonderful shoulder to lean on as has a cousin I'd lost touch with. People who I always knew were in our corner have been nothing but amazing, and of course there is Farrah. Two special friendships have essentially ended, though, and it breaks my heart. I'm certain that when you deal with any life crisis you find your circle of friends shifting. With infertility, it feels like a particular slap in the face when your girlfriends leave you stranded.
When I sent this email back in March, I thought I was letting two of my closest girlfriends know that I was about to embark on the most difficult ride of my life. When they didn't respond, I thought I had done something wrong. Did the words "transvaginal wand" offend them? Did I not express enough interest in their lives and their children? Was I being selfish? I beat myself up about that for a long time and eventually just decided that for whatever reason, they didn't agree with my choices in family building, and while that made me sad, I just let it go.
Re-reading this email has given me a different view. I was begging them for support and they completely ignored me. I asked them to call me and tell me what was up in their lives so I could talk about something other than my infertility. I told them I missed them. I told them I was afraid of our friendships struggling and how afraid I was of being left out of life. They didn't even answer the email. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't silence. Even an "eff you" would have been better than silence. They completely let me down, which I guess means that they weren't true friends to begin with. When it comes down to it, J and I have been going through the most difficult thing(s) we have ever experienced and right in the middle of it, two women decided not to be our friends anymore. It makes me angry and it makes me sad.
Even though I have many friendships that have been strengthened and new friendships discovered through infertility, why is it that the loss of these two friendships breaks my heart and overshadows the good?
How have your friendships changed while experiencing infertility?
August 22, 2012
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Hi Lisa. my name is Anna from ICLW (#21). I am so sorry that on top of everything else, you have had to deal with this. I was just writing about this same thing on my blog the other day. I think a lot of times, people do not know what to say, and so they say nothing. It doesn't make it ok, and it doesn' make it better. It sucks. I know I have lost friends because of my IF, especially my being so open about it. But I tend to just let it go. I have an amazing family, and friends who have stuck around. And I am making new friends throughout this journey (I would have never "met" you!)
ReplyDeleteI hope that they can come around, and see how you are hurting. But if they don't, first, I am so sorry (it hurts), but second, try to focus on the support you do have... delete those sent emails. And say a prayer, send a happy thought to them.
Good luck to you!! I am your new follower this evening!
Hi Anna! Glad to have you along! You're right, most of the time people don't know what to say. But trying to make them feel better about their ignorance is so... exhausting! Deleting those emails is a good idea. Thanks!
DeleteI am really sorry you lost two of your closest friends. Sometimes people don't know what to say our how to show support and do the worst thing in the process, act like nothing different is going on. I have found the greatest support through my blog and other woman going through same thing. We are all here for you.
ReplyDeleteI think what I've learned is that they weren't really my closest friends. At least I've gotten to learn who my real friends are.
DeleteOh boy, I feel you on this one. I think that when you are open about your IF, you leave yourself open to that shift in friendship. I wrote about a particular friend who did a terrible thing to me, her friend struggling with infertility and that was the turning point (and ending point) of our friendship.
ReplyDeleteOn the flip side, my other friendships, like your Farrah, have done nothing but grow and hold me up when I'm falling down. Thank God for those people in our lives and of course for our bloggy friends! I'm sorry your hurting. XO
A blessing and a curse, right? Sorry for your friendships ending. Always sad.
DeleteI have experienced similiar situations. It's funny, support comes from some of the craziest places. I have so many new friends now that are so kind and wonderful. I've just opened myself up to new relationships.
ReplyDeletePeople that you have been there for through thick and thin, disappear. It always hurts when this happens, because you had higher expectations for them. I missed my husbands law school graduation because I was in my best friends wedding. She went through infertility I was there for her through thick and thin. When I found out how messed up I was, she was pregnant. I was recovering from having surgery on my uterus and she tells me... at least you arent 6 months pregnant looking for maternity clothes. Uhhh did that just happen? Yes.
I think the new friendships you build are so special. I appreciate them so much because it's people who were there for you during your darkest hours. Genuine solid people.
Yes! That's what's the worst! You've been through so much with them and then WHAMO! Gone. And, um, that comment from your friend is really gross. For shame. Did she not realize you would love you some maternity clothes?
DeleteI have had many friendships change over the course of my ttc journey...it is very hard to see the good in the friendships you have when you are mourning the loss of other friendships. Hoping things turn brighter for you soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks, sugar! Let's focus on the good changes. It sounds way better than the alternative.
DeleteIt sucks that your friends did that to you. Friendships change and people connect or drift apart all the time, but when you explicitly ask for support, and they refuse, it's like a slap in the face. I know that new or strengthened friendships can't replace what you had with those two women, but I hope you can continue to move forward, leaning on those who will support you, and gradually let go of the pain they've caused you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou know, we are all being forced to look at life in a new way in hyperspeed. It's hard to do, but not such a bad thing in the long run, is it?
DeleteOnline, the people who I have never met, have been some of my strongest support systems.
ReplyDeleteOffline, I've been a little sad. A few friends have had nothing to do with me since they found out we were very early expecting. It hurts.
Oh Aly. Did they know what you've been through? Were they IFers? I'm so sorry!
DeleteI'm sorry you're going through this, sweetie. I've only known you in this space, but I know you deserve better than to be ignored when you are going through the toughest, most painful and such an important process. Friends have come and gone in my life, but those I'm meant to have forever always resurface somehow. And because of that, I have learned that people are in your life when you need them for whatever purpose you need them for. These two served their purpose in your life and now you have the right people to support you on this leg of your journey. Knowing that had given me peace as I, too, am seeing changes in my friendships throughout my family-building journey. I know you need a support system IRL, but know we're always here for you here too! Hugs! :)
ReplyDeleteI really like this thought and i'm going to hang on to it. You're right, I do have the people I need now. So very wise. Thanks!
DeleteSome people just can't handle helping someone through a rough time. It sucks that you have to find out what kind of people they really are while you're in the middle of dealing with something as difficult as IF. My personal experience has been that the cream rises to the top. It just may be from an unexpected corner. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteICLW #7
Cream rises with the bubbles and that's the best part! You guys are so awesome. I love the metaphors!
DeleteI've definitely seen some shifting in my circle of friends. There are some that have drifted a distance away, some that might not ever really recover. Nothing as drastic as what you experienced with these two, but then again, I waited until I was almost out of the first trimester to open up to most people about my journey. Who knows what it might have looked like had I chosen to ask for support up front. Maybe I would have been just as disappointed by some? I'm sorry you've had to go through this, but I'm mostly glad that you have stopped blaming yourself for it. Ultimately, that is their decision and while it is shameful that they didn't even respond, it sounds like they would not have been the kind of friends you needed during this time anyway. Glad to hear that things are going well with the new RE!
ReplyDeleteI think you are totally right. If they didn't know what to say then, it would have only gotten worse.
DeleteI'm sorry that your friends deserted you at a moment when you needed them the most.
ReplyDeleteI have had the dynamics of a friendship change, but mostly because they have had the pleasure of being able to have children and we haven't. So invites to kid's parties don't happen, get togethers stop because that commonality (children) is not there anymore.
It's really strange, isn't it? I do have friends with kids who have manage to hang on to their identities outside of motherhood and it's so surprising to me to contrast the friends who are "just" moms and the friends who are awesome women who happen to be moms. It's a shame, really. Maybe that's a lesson we are all learning - to still be awesome if we are lucky enough to also become moms.
DeleteI had this exact same experience. I have an email where I poured my heart out about how I was going to have to pursue treatment and that we would have to use a donor and I got nothing in response. Who does that??? I would never ignore an email from a friend - even if I didn't know what to say, I would reply back and say I'm so sorry I don't know what to say but I'm here for you. Is that too much to ask??
ReplyDeleteFirst, I just want to throw this out there: Are you sure they received your email and that it didn't get lost in cyberspace? I've definitely had that happen to me.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I have experienced similar situations myself. I sent out an email to some of my girlfriends letting them know that I have been struggling with infertility and that I was starting a blog (and I even provided them the link to my blog). Some responded, some didn't. Some of the ones who didn't respond, I expected as much because I know where they are in their lives - not wanting kids themselves and can't relate, not ready for kids, struggling with their own IF issues and not knowing if they would want to commiserate with me, or just plain busy with their own lives and their own kids. It never crossed my mind to take it personally that they didn't respond. I'm guessing that the ones who didn't respond have been quietly following my blog anyway, which is fine with me. But your situation seems different in that you emailed two specific friends, rather than a group of girlfriends, to tell them about your struggles. It's more personal when there are only two friends who you let know about your situation so I can completely understand your hurt.
I also experienced a shift in friendships when my girlfriends started having babies and I was still baby-less. I'm not invited to parties and get togethers that involve children. Girlfriend get-togethers without children are practically non-existant because they are "too busy with the kids." I hate that more than anything and have made a vow to not become the person who is too busy for my friends when I finally have kids.
Yikes, sorry for the long comment! I guess I had a lot to say on the subject!
I was in tears reading this post. It's a terrible thing to reach out and ask for support and be ignored. And I can imagine how hard it must have been for you to send that email in the first place -- seeing as how I have been completely unable to open up about this out in real life. I'm so glad you have been able to find other support as you go through this (and lordy, what you have been through -- your post above about the Ember Alert is really a doozy).
ReplyDeleteI have told very few people about our struggles, and at this point it's mostly because my husband isn't comfortable letting people know. I find myself aching to tell SOMEONE, ANYONE, but I can't because it's his diagnosis and his secret to keep or not keep. But I know I have withdrawn from my friends over the past 4 years (holy shit it's been 4 years), and so I find myself without much of a support network because of my own silence and isolation.
Good for you, for trying to reach out. I admire that so much, and I'm so, so sorry that you experienced what you did in terms of a lack of response.
i'm am sorry your friends arent the people you thought they were (barring some innerwebs mess-up that may have caused them never to receive your message).
ReplyDeletethis is one of the reasons why i am still in the IF closet. i dont want my friends to shrink away because they dont know what to say. like when you tell someone you have cancer, or that your parent died. they can tell you they are sorry, but can't relate and feel weird about it and sometimes just disappear thereafeter.
also, when friends start getting knocked up after barely even trying, i dont want them to know my struggles and pity me. there is nothing worse than being pitied. than being told, "i'm so sorry you can't have children of your own, i dont know what i'd do without my children, i love them so much!". so when people ask me whether i have plans to start a family i tell them, "i don't have any set plans. if it happens thats great, if not, that's great too and i'm quite busy with my career, my old house, my dogs, travel, and my hobbies."
i haven't moved on to paranoia about whether others think i might be struggling with IF and that's why there arent any kids. oh god help me if i get to that stage!!!
Hi! Found you through Stirrup Queens. I love and dislike this post all at the same time. I love it because you speak the truth. I haven't lost friendships (yet) due to IF, but I've definitely felt a change in my relationships with others. I struggle to decide what and who to share this with. I mostly try to be open about it. But, there have been times where I've felt weird around others that read my blog and know what we're going through, yet never say a word to me about it. I can't wrap my head around what is going through their head about us now. One friend in particular, who I know reads the blog, which I've been writing for 5 months, has only just now said something to me. But, we have to let it go and chalk it up to ignorance and lack of understanding. One day I am going to write a book on the etiquette of reproduction talk.
ReplyDeletewww.auntmimi2010.blogspot.com
I'm so sorry they ignored you. That is horrible and no one should experience that! My relationships changed pretty drastically. When we started trying and I told my close friends and cousins they were very happy for us. Then over a year in they all decided to start trying and they got pregnant fast. I guess they felt like they had to protect me and they were walking on eggshells around me. Even after telling them to stop treating me differently they would refuse to talk about their pregnancies unless I pushed. I felt like an outsider even more. Now that I am pregnant, we only told my bestie so far, she has completely turned around. She is happy and excited again and wants to hear all about it and be a part of it the way I wanted to, but was kept at arm's length to "protect" me. Kinda pisses me off in a way, but I know she just was lost and didn't know what to do even after I told her what to do and not to do.
ReplyDelete