Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
I know I've been around and around and around with all but acceptance. Today, I think I've found a little piece of acceptance.
We had our "summer school" today. I call it summer school because apparently they make you do IVF class again every time you fail. We have our calendar, we're starting stims sooner than I thought (the 19th!), the drugs are ordered, and insurance requests are in.
Whatever.
They took 6 vials of blood from me even though we'd already done the usual IVF blood work, and I didn't even really look to see what this draw was for.
Whatever.
I was happy to see the staff at the clinic and ask how their holidays were. Being there is part of my life now, making these people just another part of my life. Very nice people, I might add. And when a woman came in behind us needing to be instructed on how to sign in, and another couple was brought back for what was obviously their first procedure, I found myself rooting for them. I actually thought to myself, "Don't worry! We're here. We're the bad outcome in the room which means that statistically the odds are in your favor."
I'm not being flippant. I'm not feeling "woe is me." I'm not without hope. I'm not anxious. I just am.
I've followed doctor's orders and done everything I possibly can. I've said my prayers and followed through on all opportunities with wishbones, shooting stars, and crooked necklaces. If I've learned anything it's that it's all out of my hands.
Whatever the outcome, it really will be okay.
That being said, I reserve the right to revoke this feeling of calm and flip out again without sufficient notice. If you find me missing from Acceptance, check out Anger. I'll probably be there.
January 7, 2013
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I hate that you have to do the classes each time. It's so condescending - but at least you've got a good attitude about it.
ReplyDeleteI really hope that 2013 is your year, with every bone in my body.
Thanks, dearie. I think they're just trying to be thorough, but still!
DeleteReally?!? IVF class every time?!? Could you offer to teach it in exchange for a discount on the cycle (sorry, sarcasm reigns supreme).
ReplyDeleteOutside of the fact that you had to go through summer school, I'm very happy to see you so zen! Sure, you're completely within your right to revoke this feeling, but for now: Bravo!!!
Ha! I should've tried that! She kept saying, "I'll just breeze through this because I know you guys know this."
DeleteYour new blog layout has me feeling all zen, too. I hope you can hang onto the feeling for a while.
ReplyDeleteOooh, good! Hang on to the Zen, friend!
DeleteI'm loving watching the clouds go by on your blog! how annoying to have to hear the same info all over again, but hoping for good things for you guys this cycle. long may the zen last, but if you want to rant we're all here too.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're in a really good place right now. And if you head back to Anger for a while, well, that will be the right place for you at that time. I think Acceptance is at least partly about acceptance of where you are at that moment and not trying to force yourself into another place, even if it means accepting that you are currently living through one of the other stages. It's not linear, you know? Anyway, I think you're doing GREAT.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely not linear! Round and round and up and down. It's worth a try to attempt to stay here, though!
DeleteLisa, you are an amazing writer.
ReplyDeleteI found myself being that woman in the clinic, in bloggie land in in real life with all my preggo friends thinking "It's ok, I'm the statistic, now you go forth and reproduce." It's hard, hard, hard. I'm glad you are at a place of acceptance right now, and we'll be here should you need to slip back into anger although I very very much hope you don't have to.
P.S. Loving the new blog format!
Awww, thanks Belle! That means a lot because I certainly admire your writing. I feel all warm and fuzzy now. :)
DeleteOooh, I wondered what blog I was reading for a moment then. Very pretty m'dear. I am glad you have found a zen place for the time being, long may it last, but don't beat yourself up too much if it doesn't. I will be here cheering you on regardless!
ReplyDeleteYou guys are awesome cheerleaders.
DeleteI'm glad that you've found a place of peace, even if it's temporary. I'm hoping for you!
ReplyDeleteIt's really a weird feeling and I'm digging it!
DeleteLoving the rolling clouds on your header. Way to enter this cycle of zendom! Wishing you many many days of continued "whatevers." XO
ReplyDeleteKinda trippy and fun 'eh? Thanks, Laura!
DeleteI feel so uneducated. We never had any sort of class before our IVF or FET treatments. Don't they realize IFers are the most educated people out there? We know just about everything regarding treatment.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best on this new cycle. You have done everything you possibly could to make this happen...I have just about everything I can cross crossed for you! If things go the way their supposed to (which we all know rarely happens) we'll be close to being cycle buddies! Thinking of you! And acceptance is OK, but it's also OK to be anger.
PS I love the new layout!! It's wonderful!
Don't cross too many things! You are trying to make a baby after all ;) Sorry, couldn't resist.
DeleteHoping with all I can hope for your next cycle.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
DeleteJust found your blog. Good luck on this cycle. I will probably only be a couple weeks behind you. I am working towards some sort of zen or acceptance and am not there yet so I applaud your attitude.
ReplyDeleteHey, thanks and welcome! Love your avatar. I shall stalk you now. :)
DeleteHaha, you brighten my day with your writing Lisa... even if you are having a flip out session. Big hugs to you. I'll be the one rooting for you this time around (as I always am!). I know how you feel to feel like the token couple that it "didn't work" for. Hang in there!!! We can't be that couple forever.
ReplyDeleteBTW, you changed your blog look? The picture at the top makes me feel dreamy and relaxed.
ReplyDeleteNew year, new look! It needs a little tweakage, though. As soon as I can figure it out. Glad it's relaxing you! :)
DeleteWe are going to be cycle sisters this month! Although I am starting Lupron on January 20th and stimmings won't start until the February 1st. Anyhow, I am glad that you are experiencing acceptance stage now - and so much understand how it is to get drown to the first stage again... If anything, the rambling from stage to stage let us know we are strong and will survive somehow.Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteOh hooray! I love cycle buddies!
DeleteSending lots of prayers and positive thoughts your way as you start stims soon!
ReplyDeleteI hope you can hang on to the Zen, it's a wonderful feeling. I thought the exact same thing in the waiting room at the clinic right before our follow-up appointment yesterday. I'm really rooting for you though, that this is the one that works.
ReplyDeleteAnd your new blog look is very pretty :)
Thanks. We could use as many people rooting for us as possible. :)
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