The Room

We all have one.  Four walls, a closet, and a lot of hopes and dreams unfulfilled.  Some fill their Rooms with stuff, trying to find a way to cover up the empty space and pain.  Others leave it empty, a reminder of what could be.  The Room is very personal to all of us.  Whether we like it or not, it becomes a sacred space charged with emotion.

Our room is empty… and my mother-in-law is coming.

J has not been very forthcoming with his parents about our infertility, partly because of the language barrier.  He does not know, nor does he care to know, the word “uterus” in Korean.  The biggest reason he hasn’t shared a lot with her is because of his place in the family.  Being the oldest male is a big deal in Korean culture.  Not only is he the oldest male in his immediate family, he’s the oldest male for his whole generation.  He’s embarrassed and feels like we’ve let everyone down.  The Room has changed all of that.

She called for a weekly check-in and immediately went into some sort of strange tirade.  J switched to English for my benefit, but all I could hear was, Korean blah blah blah. “No mom!  You can’t tell me what to do in my own house.”  Louder babbling in Korean.  “Just drop it.  We’re not doing that.  It’s not about that.”  MoreKoreanmoreKoreanmoreKorean.  “Umma!  I’ve got bigger things to worry about right now.  Drop it.”

Obviously the switch to English did not help me much.

Apparently she wanted us to buy a bed to put in The Room for her.  J was angry, but I didn’t understand how he could be angry at her.  The only thing she knows is that we are seeing a doctor and my surgery this summer had something to do with the why we haven’t made her a grandmother.  How on earth would she know that The Room is intended to be a nursery and that buying a bed feels like crying uncle to the universe?  He agreed that it was time to talk with her… and he did.

I came home from work the other day and he seemed rather peaceful.  He told me he had a really good conversation with his mom.  He told her everything.  He told her we were doing IVF, how many failed cycles we’d already had, what the surgery was for, and he told her that this was our last shot.  There would be no more egg making for us when this was done.  Thankfully, she knew what IVF was, so he didn't have to get into that.  She was also morally fine with it which was a relief.  She was very sweet to him and wants to be sure we are as stress free as possible over the next few weeks.  She offered to send us to Seoul for treatment, and when J piped in with, “I don’t think that’s necessary, but we have a Korean doctor!” she was nonplussed.  “Of course you have a Korean doctor, what other option is there?”

Most days I'm grateful that The Room is in the back of the house and I don't have to walk by it every day.  Right now I'm thankful for The Room.  It helped my husband see how much his mother needed to know about our journey.  I so hope we can make her a halmoni.

*Update on rent:  I got a check and it cleared!  I am very proud of myself for my assertiveness in getting this cleared up… for now.”

**Update on cycle: Baseline was fine, although I was surprised my estrogen was as high as it was (68… really?) but I was given the green light to start stims tomorrow.  Oh, and my right ovary was deemed “a good lookin’ ovary” by my RE.