Pressure

There have been a lot of thoughts swirling in my head lately.  Maybe it’s the upcoming visit home, maybe it’s the Lupron, or maybe it’s just reality sinking in.

In about 6 weeks or so we will start stimming again. I can’t stop thinking about how this is our last chance at making a biological child.  We will do this fresh cycle and use any frosties it produces, but if this bunch of embryos doesn’t make a baby, we will start looking at a child-free life.  So if this is it, am I doing absolutely everything I should be?  I’ve been running and eating well, but is it enough?  Should I put down the Diet Coke?  What about the cookies that patient brought in, can I have just one?  Am I doing everything I possibly can to give us the best chance at a pregnancy?  Will I feel guilty if I don’t get my weight down to the magic number and it doesn’t work?  I'm making myself crazy with this crap.

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The other day a coworker asked me what our next steps are.  This isn’t someone I typically share details on our journey with simply because we aren’t close, but I’m a loudmouth and frequently babble on about my reproductive status, so I figured I'd answer her.  I told her that we were doing our last IVF cycle and she said, “So if it doesn’t work, you start adoption?”  “No,” I answered.  “We aren’t looking at adoption right now.”  She said, “But there are so many children out there that need homes.”  “Not exactly,” I answered.  “Well, in other countries there are.”

I tried explaining how we feel right now.  J and I have fought for absolutely everything in our lives.  We are both the first generation of Americans in our families to go to college (well, on one side for me at least).  We both paid/are still paying our own way through school.  We were both thrust into independent adult lives well before we were ready and learned the ropes ourselves.  We both spent many years searching unsuccessfully for someone to share our lives with.  As soon as we found each other, we started fighting to create a family.  We’re done fighting.  We have so much.  We have our educations, our careers, and most importantly, we have each other.  I told this coworker that we weren’t ready to jump on another emotional rollercoaster and we wanted to spend time enjoying what we had instead of fighting for what we don’t.  Her response?  “Well, that’s a shame.”  I really think she meant that our failing to “save an orphan” was what was shameful.  It was not meant to soothe.

This really stung and stuck with me.  It’s not like this woman doesn’t know what adoption entails.  I work with several women who have adopted both domestically and internationally (and there are only about 20 people in my whole office).  The women who had international adoptions had expenses out the wazoo and emotional worries about visas and all the time those babies had to spend in orphanages without them.  She saw the failed adoptions that the women who chose domestic adoption had to go though before they brought their babies home (both of them had either a baby in their arms for days or were about to board a plane when the adoption fell through).  She knows it isn’t a walk in the park, but I should still jump right in?

Should we be adopting because that’s what the world expects us to do?  Of course not.  That’s ridiculous.  As much as I hate to admit it, I’m the kind of person who worries about what other people think.  I don’t want people thinking that we are selfish unkind people because we choose not to adopt.  I am underpaid because I work at a non-profit with children who have disabilities, many of whom are on public assistance.  I stay in my underpaid job because I love being able to directly help these families, and yet I still feel like I have to prove my niceness.  Messed up, yes?

How do I get people to leave me the heck alone and take their judgments elsewhere?