They've slowed down, but when I do get them, they are not at all joyous or fun. Last night was a prime example. With our ultrasound coming up, I'm getting anxious. My anxiety is higher for two reasons. The first being that I know too much. I know just enough to be dangerous. I have over 900 deaf children on my caseload and deafness often comes with a lot of other things. Things that could be seen on an ultrasound at this point. You name it, I've seen a kid with it. When I see a kid with some syndrome or anomaly, I learn about it. This is backfiring on me. The second reason for my anxiety is that my mother is flying in and coming with us. This is great in theory! Except for the part where she is SO excited about finding out the gender that she can't think of anything else. I have to keep reminding her that the main point of this ultrasound is to check out ALL of Chipmunk's parts. Not just the plumbing. I have to tell her that asking the tech to do something silly to share the gender with us is really not a good plan since she's going to be measuring kidneys and such and I'd rather she concentrate on that. I feel like a B crushing her little plans for fun, but I have to remind her that this is a Level II ultrasound. There is this pessimism about me. So many eggs wouldn't even fertilize. Only one of nine embryos transferred stuck around. How can this one possibly be really and truly chromosomally hunky dory?
So last night I had a dream that my baby had holoprosencephaly.
Don't look that up.
Where are those fun sex dreams again?
You know the worry will never really stop. After this will be pre-term labor...then Autism. I wish it was easy to turn off, but it's not!
ReplyDeleteThe tech will be thorough, don't worry! Even if your mom wants a fun gender reveal.
Good luck!
I am thinking happy happy thoughts for you! Happy happy thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you, feeling like I know way too much. But I have my fingers crossed so tightly for you they're turning purple! Just try to breathe.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your ultrasound! I understand how your own personal experiences can influence your fears. Because I work with a lot of children with developmental or learning disabilities (I mean, my JOB is to diagnose their cognitive weaknesses through testing), I am hypersensitive to exposing my baby to any type of teratogen prenatally. My husband and friends think I'm crazy. I told a long story about the research my advisor's lab was doing in graduate school about the effects of mercury (same level found in a can of tuna) on baby rats in utero. I talked so much about the dangers of tuna, that when I finally explained it can result in "delayed reaction times" my sister said, "Oh! I thought you were going to say babies come out with a third arm!"
ReplyDeleteI feel ya on this one. I'm a NICU nurse, so every possible baby anomaly I have seen I imagine my future children having. Wishing you a very, chromosomally normal-looking ultrasound!
ReplyDeleteYou do know too much and you have seen so much. Add that to infertility. My sex dreams ended after the first trimester and like yours, turned into anxiety dreams. I was terrified of the anatomy scan. This is going to sound morbid, but the one thing that actually helped me was to make a list of defects or abnormalities that would be ok, correctable, or would not affect quality of life. Club foot, cleft palate, that sort of thing. The biggest strategy to take my mind off of the worry of birth defects and chormosomal issues, though? To approach the scan like your mom, as the day we would find out the sex of the baby. Once I focused on the sex instead of the important anatomy, I was excited instead of afraid.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking nothing but excited, happy, thoughts for you.
I get the dreams too. My latest rounds have focus on preterm labor and frozen yogurt. Why the two together, I have no clue. Still with each of these nightmares comes a moment where frozen yogurt makes an appearance.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to go through this experience knowing what we know. Some find ways of coping by imagining possible outcomes, while others (like me) rely on distraction until the very last second. Whatever you end up doing, hold on to the fact that you are doing everything humanly possible to ensure the health of Chipmunk. And my hope is that tomorrow when there are tears, they are only those of happiness and coupled with laughter.
You are yen and she is yang. It might be trouble if you were both the same. Just ask your mom to keep a lid on the excitement until you can all be excited that the baby is healthy and have reproductive organs to boot! A friend of mine did in utero cardiac studies. Since my back ground was in cardio-thoracic ICU, I made her check for me. Sometimes ya just can't shake the worries. I have all my thoughts bent on a good ultrasound!
ReplyDeleteit sucks to know so much sometimes Lisa. I am crossing all of my fingers and toes for all to go well. In my heart I know it will. I'm right there with you on the stats, it's hard to believe when you've only had 1 embryo stick out of SO many to think that is one is okay.
ReplyDeletelove,
laura
I'm excited to have found your blog through Stupid Stork!
ReplyDeleteLike you, I'm a white woman married to an awesome Asian man, and trying (with difficulty) to make a brood of cute little hapa babies. (I grew up in Hawaii, so the term 'hapa' is a familiar one.) I'm also Roman Catholic, but pursuing IVF (a topic I wrote about here: http://infertilechemist.wordpress.com/2013/04/30/on-being-catholic-and-infertile/).
I'm looking forward to following along with you!