Today, I'm trying to keep it together. Probably about 70% of my patients are on Medicaid, which means I see more than my fair share of rough family situations, but this year has been extreme. We've had two parents die in motorcycle accidents, numerous kids taken from homes due to parental drug use (the vast majority of these kids have been home when the raids occurred, we've learned), and today we had our second parent murdered. This is just since 2013 began. In both situations, the parent was murdered by the child's father and in both situations, the kid was in the house when it happened. I wish I had some words of deep thought or wisdom in this sort of situation, but I'm still just reeling. I haven't the slightest idea what to do for this kid, besides making sure the family has all the equipment needed for hearing since the house is a crime scene and they can't go in. See, this is why I always find out about these situations as they are unfolding. The kid is ripped from the home, usually from bed in the middle of the night or early morning, and they can't hear because they don't wear their processors while sleeping. The house is locked up, and no one can effectively communicate with the kid to tell them what's going on, because the stuff that lets them hear is in the house. We get a phone call asking for loaner equipment from a family member or foster parent. It's all just too unfathomable to me and really weighing on me. I just don't know how to help. I feel so useless.
On another note, one of my coworkers sent around some stupid video. Maybe you've seen it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0 Please note, if you not in a good place infertility wise, do NOT watch this video. Just know that it's one of those, "motherhood is such a joy, cherish every moment, lalalalalala" movies. First of all, I think I was supposed to feel privileged to have been let in on this email. The note attached said something about being busy in motherhood, including those who have a little one on the way. Since I was the only pregnant person in the cc list, I guess that was me. Um, am I in the club? I don't want to be in some weird exclusive club. Everyone mothers and everyone could appreciate something from this movie... maybe. It also hit me that there is only one person in my office with lady parts who is not a parent/expectant parent and that made it seem particularly shitty to me. Anywho, so I watched the video, and maybe the exclusivity of begin let in on this wonderful video of wisdom made me a bit jaded while I was watching it, but good Lord what it an eye roller to me.
Yet again I was able to feel thankful for our infertility journey. Being in the muck of it sucks so horribly badly, but I knew I was learning and still am learning so many valuable lessons. I just couldn't help watching this and wondering how in the hell this woman and all of her adoring followers holding so intently on her every word, could have possibly gotten this far in life without learning the same lessons. It took raising children for you to learn how little control you had over others? You had to watch the kids grow up and leave the house before you figured out what a precious gift each little moment with them was? I can guarantee you I will not take butterfly kisses, stubbed toes, broken hearts, bedtime stories, or dance recitals for granted. I think a piece of me will even rejoice when my teenager gives me a big fat "I HATE YOU!" So thank you, endometriosis, for helping me see so many gifts in life, and for helping to keep my blind stupidity about life to a dull roar.
Did I miss something in that video? Maybe I missed something. Please feel free to point it out if I did. I could always learn some more life lessons.
May 22, 2013
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Ugh. That video gave me a headache!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think what you're missing is the sudden "ah ha" moment so many people have after they become parents. Why? Because you've already had that "ah ha" moment. You had it somewhere long before you became pregnant. You had it when you decided to work in the profession of your choosing. You had it AND expanded on it, something I'm learning so many people are unable/unwilling to do in their lives.
What I'm realizing is many people expect external events to give their lives meaning. Unfortunately, try as they might, the external never fills a person; you have to look internally for that. And that is one thing I've seen so many people learn while dealing with traumatic life events life infertility/loss. We learn to find validation within ourselves.
Thanks for the video. I now have a way to cure insomnia.
I didn't watch the video, but the part about the kids is so sad! That's a lot of tragedies in a short time. It breaks my heart that the kids are in the middle. I had a teenage student a couple of years ago whose dad killed his mom while he was home. Just horrible! At least you can be in their lives some of the time...
ReplyDeleteI always hate to hear such tragic stories about adulst who cannot and will not protect the children they brought into this world. I am so sorry you have to witness this and hope that the stability and support you offer those children will stand out and help them overcome.
ReplyDeleteAs for the video...yes, some of it is trite. But, even after fertility issues and knowing I would look at parenthood differently than my friends who didn't struggle....I could connect with this mom. Even after promising myself that I would cherish every moment I thought I might never have....once in the trenches of parenthood....time flows differently. Yes...I love every moment from a general perspective...but I have also longed for bedtime more fervently than I dare to admit. I will sit up in the night with my youngest .... my daughter that came to us through embryo adoption and be completely grateful for her but BEGGING God to please make her sleep....it has been TWO years! And I look at my son...my 2 year, $50k post miscarriage Hail Mary IVF baby at 40....and I wonder where the time went. When was the moment he stopped calling for me to come help him button his pants? When was the moment when his need to hold my hand on the way down the slide stopped? When was the moment the neighborhhood boys in the culdesac became more important than going to the store with mommy? I don't know those exact moments. It just kind of happens while we are living our days. And he is only 5. That is what this mom is saying. So....just keep in mind...that no matter your struggle to parenthood. Once you get there....it will seem as if it is in slow motion yet on fast forward the whole time. What you think may be a phase you are stuck in becomes hard to remember 6 phases later that are only in the span of 18 months. I encourage you to save this video. put it on a flash drive somewhere and then send yourself a reminder in 4 years to watch it again. This mom may be recounting 18 years of motherhood, but it applies to all mothers...even the pregnant ones...because those moments....the feeling of a baby in you, the roundness of a firm belly full of new life...it will pass all too soon and your memory will get full of so many other wonderful things. And even though you sit there at night and commit to memory how it feels when your baby moves within you....you will struggle to pull it up over time. I know this because I did all that. And I do struggle.
cont because it won't let me type more.......
So....I think in answer to your question....You are both. You ARE enlightened. Your journey here has taught you lessons and opened your soul like no other journey could. But you are also clueless...because you have a new journey ahead of you....and what you learned getting to the start of this one....will shape you as a parent, will guide you in your decisions....but it will be NOTHING like you expected and EVERYTHING you expected all at once. And it will also smooth over, and heal the wounds of your past. No one is ever cured of infertility or the pain it causes...but there is healing if you allow it. And....let me give you some candid advise: Don't set yourself apart from other mothers. You are all mothers on the day your baby to comes to you...from your womb after a night of fun with your hubby, from your womb after a long journey of IF, from another's womb after finding out yours could not carry, from the arms of another mother...giving her baby a better life than she can. Once you are a mother...that is it. You are a mother. You are not better or worse than any other. You are not more or less worthy than any other....because to YOUR child....you are mother. They don't see anything other than what you show them and teach them. And all mothers can love and help each other...no matter how they got there. Yes...you will look at motherhood differently now....I often think those of us who clawed our way here are just a wee bit more present and appreciative of every moment...but then I have a casual conversation with my teenage niece who had two unplanned pregnancies very young and she reminds me that I am wrong about that. Her love and appreciation for every single moment with her boys comes from her because she is their mom and a GOOD mom...even despite the less than perfect circumstances. What sets us apart is not how got here...but how we are once that child is placed in our arms. Lean on your mommy friends, it is not an exclusive club with limited membership....we truley want anyone who wants to join and nobody wants you to struggle....I'm sure your friend sent you that link because she is thrilled for you.....Feel good, enjoy getting to know your friends on a new level.
ReplyDeletekd
I think because of the fields we both work in, we see way to much tragedy in kids' lives. Still, the events of this year so far sound horrific. I hope the past few months have been an anomoly and are not the norm for your families. Sometimes I feel like I need a degree in psychology to work with the families I encounter on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteAs for the video, there is NO WAY I'm going to watch it, based on your description alone. It makes me really angry and frustrated to know how little thought most people put into parenting before they have kids. I guess that's the advantage of having to struggle so much to get there. At least we've had plenty of time to think about what we're getting ourselves into.
You know, you touched on something I've thought about a few times..."Thank you endo". Although struggling with any kind of infertility just plain SUCKS, in a way I guess we are "lucky" because it makes us appreciate our kids in a way that others might not. We remember all too well life without them.
ReplyDeleteAmen sister. I am so with you. Thank you IF that I will try to relish every moment probably more than I ever would have if I got pregnant 5 years ago when I started trying. I knew that I was learning a ton about life, loss, gratitude, love, presence, etc through IF, and it was a hard way to learn things sometimes, but like you I am so thankful to not be so ungrateful & stupid about the gift that having children is.
ReplyDeletelove,
laura
I don't usually comment here, but being 8 years beyond our infertility journey, I think that kdactyl made some great points. When we were heartbroken and struggling, we also saw that so many people didn't know what a gift it was to just decide it was time to have kids and poof! they were pregnant. We would have given anything to deal with the daily struggles that friends with children faced. We craved it. When we saw news stories about how mistreated babies and children were, we pounded our fists and cried because we would have given anything to have a child. Any child. And eventually, we were fortunate enough that our wish came true. I carried anger with me for some time, and I still have my moments. But the pain has softened so much, and our infertility struggle isn't at the forefront of my mind every.single.day like it was for so long. We had twins, and we were thrilled, but the minute I found myself frustrated with the reality of twin motherhood, I felt this huge guilt because they were ALL I wanted to for SO long. But we have to let that go and realize that we are all human. No matter how hard we fight to start a family, the reality of parenting can still make your eyes glaze over as you try to balance your life. You get into a routine, and it seems like a week or a month passes in the blink of an eye. If you have not heard of Glennon Melton, she has a great post that went viral called "Don't Carpe Diem." It is honest and true and it strikes a chord in many, many mothers out there, even those who went through infertility. I hope for ALL of you that you will have the chance to experience this, and to allow your pain and anger to soften over time. Infertility is beyond horrible. But I hope that you will all be able to finish this chapter in your lives and write new ones about your dreams coming true . You all have every right to feel the way you do - I have SO been there. But I've also been lucky enough to look at my 8 year olds and my 7 year old and wonder where the hell time has gone. It isn't that I haven't cherished many, many moments, and it isn't that I haven't let some slip through my finger tips. Time is just so very sneaky these days, and there are a lot of wistful moments with all the firsts, the lasts (many of which you don't realize have come to pass until you notice that it doesn't happen anymore), and various milestones and events. Peace and love to all of you!!
ReplyDeleteI can't remember if I asked this before, but what do you do for a living? I am a child psychologist specializing in trauma and I completely understand what it's like to hear these stories and feel useless. All you can do is fix the things you can fix and nothing more.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that video! I couldn't watch it. Made me gag. Ha.