***I've added a tab for Chipmunk. If you're up for ultrasound photos, they will be posted there.***
Every Friday we have a meeting where more people that just my immediate team are in attendance. Only my immediate coworkers know about Chipmunk. I had told them that they were the only ones who knew and I wanted to keep it that way. I sent them a text after my last RE visit because I figured that way they would know about the good news and I could avoid any looks or questions when I came to the meeting late. Apparently my boss decided to whoop and holler in excitement when she got the text during the meeting and announce what her (group) text said. So now people who I didn't want to yet know know. Another one of my coworkers reminded her that I didn't want people to know yet, but it was too late. I appreciate her excitement, but two of the people at this meeting were infertile women who I wanted to tell one-on-one, in my own time. I hadn't found alone time with them yet.
My boss whooped more when I came in and I shushed her. My two coworkers (who have since adopted) just looked at me and smiled kindly. I could see the pain in their eyes, though and I was crushed for them. I know the rest of the world thinks adoption is a cure for infertility, but I know better. I'm sure my boss thought there was no need for special sensitivity, but I know better. And I'm sure that more than anything they were hurt that I didn't tell them in person.
My boss upset me more later in the day. She shared that another former coworker who was struggling to get pregnant is also expecting. I said, "Oh good. I know she was struggling too. I swear it's like you start working here at your uterus breaks." She said, "Oh that's not true. Look at you!" I felt very defensive. I said, "It's still good and broken." She answered with, "You just needed a little help." I got quiet and said, "I needed about as much help as you can get before moving on to donor gametes. I will never need birth control and there will not be another pregnancy" and left the room. She didn't say anything about it. I'm sure she chalked it up to hormones.
I spent the rest of the day pondering why I was so defensive about her comments. I think it was a myriad of things. I'm not in denial about my infertility anymore. It's become part of my story, and part of who I am. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that because it's made me a stronger person. I can recognize that I am still a woman with worth and value even if sperm has to be forcefully injected into my eggs for just a shot at fertilization. Even though eight embryos have failed to implant in my womb, I am just as much of a woman as the most fertile among us. I know that. I went through hell and back to know that. Achieving a pregnancy doesn't erase all that I have been through. It takes me on another leg of this journey, but it doesn't discount my pain. I'm not actively grieving anymore, but there will always be an ache.
I'm keeping my infertile card. I'm pretty sure no one is going to revoke it.
March 17, 2013
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I still hold my infertility close to my heart. It's awkward when people assume the pregnancy was easy and hunky-dory and all that - I still find myself blurting out that this is our IVF miracle to random people.
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm really sorry. I know your boss is excited ad I'm sure she thought she was being supportive. But it's also clear that she doesn't understand the pain she is causing. Yes, you've worked very hard to get here, but I believe the reason you're so defensive is because you're all too familiar with the pain these announcements cause. Frankly, I would have been very pissed too.
ReplyDeleteThere's still this myth that once someone is able to achieve pregnancy/adopts, that all of the pain, grief and despair from this journey is magically washed away. Yet we never expect this out of someone who's lived with any other life-altering disease (the ACS does a great job of empowering survivors to share their stories, reminding them that not forgetting and talking about what they went through is actually something to be celebrated). I believe that's really where the issue lies and it's really a myth that needs to be busted.
So, hang in there. Keep educating. I really do believe that once you've walked this path, you are forever tied to this community. And I'm so glad you have the courage to continue to speak out.
I'm defensive too because it's not just magically normal now. You want to have validation for how hard it has been to get to this point. I'd be really annoyed with her too!
ReplyDeleteMan, you've got your Members Only jacket and all the rights to wear it wear! It is hard when someone tries to white wash IF away. I get that it is easier for people to celebrate rather than struggle, but it seems your boss didn't learn the lesson of sensitivity. Sigh,keep calm and educate on!
ReplyDeleteLisa, you go girl. I'm proud of you for speaking out to your boss. People (many) don't get it, and sometimes they get more, but I still continue to educate and speak out against this crap. I'm so glad you paid attention to those 2 other women, and I"m sure your get some time to talk this through. We know b/c we've sat in those chairs and have bitten our cheeks to not cry in meetings. You will never forget. We will always carry our card. Always.
ReplyDeleteThis has me in tears - so many women throw their card away after achieving pregnancy. Sometimes I wonder if that is why there is still such a stigma attached to infertility, treatment, insurance coverage, etc. I, too, hold my card close, and always will. Like you, I often remind people that this is our only child who is a miracle that I am incredibly thankful for. That said, one pregnancy does not erase years of heartache and pain. It does not erase all we have been through, seen and heard. It does make us stronger, though, and those who choose to hold their card and use compassion when talking to others about infertility can at least breathe a little easier knowing that they are continuing to work for changes for women down the line.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness... I hate it for you that you weren't able to share the news at work on your own terms, especially with your fellow IF'ers. Good for you for speaking so bluntly with your boss.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
I found that after I got pregnant all kinds of people who never really talked to me wanted to be my best buddy and talk about my pregnancy all the time (especially ones that got distant after they realized we were struggling.) I've actually seen this recently with my friend who just adopted too. I think that people want to be supportive when you're struggling but just don't know how, and they continue to not know how once you're successful, but damn do they try!
ReplyDeleteEventually I decided to just appreciate the effort, even though it still stings sometimes. The beautiful thing is that I started being really open with everyone about IVF after Marek was born and its amazing how many other infertiles have come out of the closet and how many people I've been able to support because of it. I hate that it had to take sucess for me to be open, but the truth was that even during pregnancy I was still so hurt (and scared) that I couldn't have been helpful to anyone.
So for now I hope that you can just grin and bear your boss's comments and know that she probably means well but just doesn't know how to be the "right" kind of supportive, but I think you're on the right track with being brutally honest with her.
I just realized this is like the longest comment ever... sorry about the novel...
Oh, so sorry about your boss. I would be fuming mad! I think you bring up such a complex point about still carrying your infertility card. I think it's different for everyone, but I don't think you can ever really let it go. Infertility changes you, whether you like it or not.
ReplyDeleteOnce an infertile, always an infertile. Even when you reach that goal and get that take home baby, you can never forget what you've been through, how it felt. And that dark time isn't diminished, even by the joy of the birth of the baby you longed for. There are so many different "degrees" of infertility, everyone has a story, but even with all the happy endings, we all still know a pain that can never be understood by anyone else but another infertile. No one can take the journey away from you. It's made you who you are.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I am so sorry you didn't get to break the news yourself, especially to fellow IFers. I'm proud of you for speaking up and trying to make your boss understand. How can the pain ever go away, even after having a baby. I do believe that the pain will always be there, in some form.
ReplyDeleteBased on your compassion alone, I think you get to keep your card :).
ReplyDeleteIn the event that the Angel Gabriel makes a re-appearance and I get pregnant (because it would take that much), I have realized I would probably take six months of unpaid leave (starting the minute I started showing) and move to Alaska to deliver the baby. (Not that there's anything wrong with Alaska - actually, I'm really hoping to visit soon - but it's VERY far away from here.) I cannot imagine subjecting even one infertile woman to one iota of all the baby crap that I've sat through until I was good and certain there was going to be a baby (in my case, the odds would be extremely low), and I cannot imagine taking comments from people as if my being pregnant were totally normal instead of a total freak of nature, and if just one person said "I told you so!" (and somebody would - probably this is why I can't get pregnant, because God wants me to stay out of prison. Heheheh) I would strangle that person on the spot.
So, in my view, you are a trooper. Keep the card. Present it proudly.