Out From Under A Cloud

Some of the most recent comments on my blog encouraged me to share my joy... so I will!

Last week, I was able to get together with Laura, todayiboughtwaterproofmascara, and our favorite cheerleader and supporter, Monika.  We got to meet Laura's sweet little one and celebrate "today" and me landing safely into the last stretches of our pregnancies.  It was so awesome.  We laughed, ate, and passed the baby.  It was so wonderful to just be full of joy.  There was no pressure to act like "typical" new moms or moms to be.  No one was talking about whether or not to breastfeed, or stay at home, or sleep train, or whatever.  We've all learned the hard way that judging others' family related choices is nothing but hurtful.  Instead we shared our excitement, relief, and remaining anxieties.

I was talking with Laura about how I'm slowly rediscovering the person I was before infertility changed my life.  It's not that I'm leaving behind the lessons I've learned.  Not at all.  It's just that I hadn't realized how sad I had become and how that sadness permeated absolutely everything in my world.  My mom has commented on how she forgot I was funny and she thinks I'd forgotten too.  I find myself spending more time sitting on the floor with my patients and chatting with their parents.  I had gotten so uncomfortable being around young children and I hadn't really realized it.  I've crept back onto Facebook and don't find myself as annoyed by fertile ramblings as I was.  Still annoyed, mind you, just not as much as I was when in the thick of things.

Watching J has been the biggest joy ever.  The way he grins like a complete goof at every milestone, kick, and wiggle.  I can't say it makes up for the pain I saw in his eyes every time the stick was negative, but it is so amazing to watch him fill up with happiness.

The one thing I'm still struggling with is holding other people's babies.  I don't know what it is.  It almost feels like I have all of this pent up love and I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I pick up a little one.  All the crazy might leak out or something.  So I didn't hold Laura's little one.  I guess I'm just saving up the crazy to let it rip on my own kid.

36 weeks and I'm at 1 cm.  The Chipmunk is going to make her appearance before we know it!