Now that I have an actual endo diagnosis, I intend to treat that bitch and not be in pain. I'm breaking up with narcotics and I'm going to have a damn sex life again. I am not going to be in pain or afraid of sex. I'm not. It's just not an option. The problem is that treatment means that I won't be ovulating... which means there would be no hope of a surprise pregnancy.
Yes my friends, denial is still alive and well in my head.
We had crap fertilization with traditional IVF, top grade embryos have been known to be less than pleased about the prospect of implanting in my ute, and three months of menopause seems to be necessary to get me knocked up. Yet, here's that little voice in my head still nagging, "but what if?" I really do feel like I've come to terms with things. I'm really okay with having an only child. I'm really okay with my diagnosis. I really am happy with my life. So, WTF? It all seems so silly. We do have an embie on ice, but our RE didn't really have a lot of hope for it. It isn't even from our successful cycle, it's the only extra from the FET and it almost didn't pass the freeze standards. Our plan is to quietly do a transfer one day and just get closure. So why on earth is that little voice upset that I have to not ovulate in order to avoid pain and enjoy sex? I'm okay with not having another baby. Right?
Then there's the prospect of where to go. The world is not burgeoning with endo experts. I haven't even talked with my OB about it, because as much as I like my practice, I sure don't see them as endo experts. Mine does not seem to be a typical case and I'd really like to see someone who knows what they are doing, can look at MY case, and tell me what the best plan of action would be. I don't want to just be handed a pack of BCPs and shoved out the door. It was over 10 years ago that someone told me I probably had endo and not a single doc told me that I should take the active pills consecutively and not have a period until I ended up at an RE's office. Not one. I honestly think they didn't know.
My husband keeps reminding me that we still have that pesky cervical dysplasia thing to deal with too. I keep forgetting about it. Really, I do. It seems so common that I think more run-of-the-mill gynes are able to deal with that than they are able to deal with endo. Besides, I plan to ask my OB to stick a loofa on the Chipmunk's head once she gets to about 0 station so she can scrub that nasty shit off. That'll totally work, right?
I really just wish I could hug my baby and ignore my ute for the rest of my life. I've had enough of her drama.
I guess all those mixed feelings are par for the course (I know I experience them). It doesn't go away just because you finally realize your dream, because that doesn't erase all the heartache and stress and disappointment that got you this far. But I will say this: very soon you'll be hugging that Chippy of yours! (And then the ute will have to wait while you enjoy).
ReplyDeleteBaby will soon be here in your arms, and then your ute can just suck it! I hope you're able to find someone to help treat and eliminate your pain so you can focus on the chipmunk! (And on your sex life!)
ReplyDeleteGo read Single Infertile Female Blog...she suffered from awful endo but finally found experts in the Seattle area (she lives in Alaska)..... I think she could be a great resource for you. http://www.singleinfertilefemale.com/
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDeleteLOL I agree with Daryl!
ReplyDeleteYou are so normal (in a completely suckily abnormal endo ravaged kind of way!) Try not to get too attached to any decisions at this point because you may (or may not) feel different in the next few months or years.
ReplyDeleteMy denial was alive and well until a few months ago. Crazy right? What on earth made me thing things would be different this time around? So I've finally accepted that I'll be on BC (gluten free and probably taking a lot of Celebrex) until we've transfered all our left over frozen embryos. At that point this Ute is getting the boot (along with a really really good surgery in Cali at the doctor Kdactyl above mentioned.) We'll keep our fingers crossed we get blessed through adoption with another kiddo, but if not, we'll be OK, we got our miracle and he'll be spoiled rotten. I love how I can type this all out now, it took me 9 months of pregnancy and a 1.5 year old to finally have a real plan and be OK with it in my heart...
I totally get this. I only ever wanted to have 2 kids and now I have them all in one shot. I should be done. I don't want to deal with any more fertility treatments. But there is this little voice in the back of my head that thinks maybe I can have that elusive "oops" pregnancy because now my body knows what to do. It's dangerous for me to think about because it can only end in disappointment for me.
ReplyDelete