So an FET is happening...

We were planning on telling no one, but a visit to the RE today reminded me that I need my tribe.  I know this means that a few IRL friends are reading this.  Unless you're "Farrah," please understand that I'm in a weird place and don't really want to talk about it in person.

We have one embryo left.  The fresh cycle for this embryo started at "the clinic which shall not be named."  It was a day three embie from a set of 8 (I think), thawed for our FET, and cultured to day 5. We transferred the two best blasts from that cycle and planned to freeze the rest.  This was the only one that survived and it was a slow grower.  It's a day six 3AB expanded blastocyst from a now twice failed cycle.  We don't have the highest of hopes for it, but we feel very connected to our embies and we want to give it a chance.  Since we're about to hit out deductible, now's the time (because when you can't build your family the old fashioned way, you base your childbearing decisions on deductibles).

Going back to the clinic was unexpectedly strange.  I had a sick feeling in my tummy all morning that J didn't really understand until the visit was over and his feelings mirrored mine.   Since winning the video contest, we have an odd little celebrity there, so it's strange to walk in, be immediately recognized, and everyone from the front desk to the embryologists wants to know what your kid is doing for her birthday in a few weeks.  Unsettling too in a way.  I just kind of wanted to keep my head down and get this over with if that makes any sense. Instead, everyone just assumes the cycle will work and they are "dying to see what 'Chipmunk's' sibling will look like."  Maybe it was bothersome because we walked in being okay with not having much hope.  We both walked away feeling bad that we were okay with not feeling hopeful.  Like we should be more hopeful, excited even.  Perhaps we're just still scarred and reeling.

It is different, though.  If this doesn't work, we're okay with it.  We'll be sad, disappointed, but three years ago, the thought of a failed cycle meant looking at our future completely differently.  Now it doesn't.  It means the future we envisioned will stay the same, because another child would be a bonus.  I know so many women are reading this and thinking I'm nuts.  I didn't envision a one child family, but as conception became more difficult, and we started to see a family of two adults as our reality, Chipmunk became the bonus.  I no longer feel a hole in my heart for a second child to fill. I would welcome one, of course, but there will be no more fresh cycles.  If this FET doesn't stick, the door is closed.

I don't know, maybe I'm still sorting out how I feel.  I just know that I stood at that desk scheduling FET class and words like saline ultrasound, E2, FSH, and PIO were pouring out of my mouth like second nature again and I hated it.  We're heading down the gauntlet one more time and I fucking hate the gauntlet.