Facing the Possibilities

I had my first in a set of three monthly Lupron Depot injections this morning.  I had to bring it in to get it done at the RE’s office.  It was a complicated little thing with chambers and what not.  This was an IM shot, but the needle was WAY thinner than the PIO shots, so it didn’t hurt at all.  Now we wait and see what happens I suppose.  Bring on the hot flashes!

J and I have been having a rough time lately.  We both realized that part of our reluctance to stop treatment was because we were afraid of the grief that would follow.  We just weren’t ready to face it.  So we’ve been letting a little in, learning to face the possibility of a life without children.  Thanks to wonderful role models in our community like Pam and Loribeth, it doesn’t seem as scary as it once did.  It’s not the alternative that we are hoping for, but we will certainly be able to live a happy and fulfilled life just the two of us.

But here come the holidays.  They are smacking us on our asses.

We have suddenly found ourselves gripped with fear over what holidays could be like when we’re old and don’t have grandchildren.  We have such a lovely and supportive family as it is that as long as we still have siblings to tag along with, we’ll be fine.  What happens when those siblings have grandchildren and we don’t?  Do we still hang with them on the holidays?  Will we be weird Auntie Lisa and Uncle J who don’t have their own grandkids to fuss over?  It’s probably ridiculous.  We’ll make our life up for ourselves as we go and I’m sure it will be fine, but it’s really made some realities sink in.  If we don’t have kids, we won’t have grandkids either. Not only will our immediate future be very different than what we envisioned, but the far future will be as well.  We don’t have role models for that yet.

I had a long talk with my mom about all this.  She said she already knew how I was feeling and that she thinks the fact that my brother is planning a wedding doesn’t help.  She’s right on some level. I love my future SIL and I’m thrilled for them, but they are in the happy lovey stage that will probably continue on for them.  They will get married and not have to worry about infertility, unlike J and I who have been TTC since before our wedding.  They’ll have happy healthy babies and all will be swell.  I truly hope it works out that way for them, but I worry about where I will fit in with my mom if this last cycle doesn’t work out and my brother brings along a brood of grandbabies.

So that’s where I’ve been.  Pondering and plowing through thoughts.  My Reader now has more blogs in the “pregnant” folder than the “still trying” folders.  I’ve slowed down on adding new blogs to my reader because I feel like I’m collecting fresh blogs to torture myself with.  I don’t mean that to sound harsh.  I want to be as supportive of this community as possible, but it feels like whenever I start reading a new swath of bloggers, I watch them all get pregnant one by one while I’m still facing the stark white windows.  No matter how happy I am for them, it adds to my sadness.  Whenever I open my reader these days the post titles are full of bump dates and it breaks my heart a little.  It’s awesome to see so many people coming out on the other side, but I’m feeling left behind while I watch all of you go on to your happy shiny lives?

Where are all of my sisters in massive failure?