I will get through today. I will focus on the happy and I will get through today... after I lay all of this out in the blogosphere.
I've been struggling the last few weeks with infertility demons. It seems that everyone and their sisters, even the infertile ones, are having their second babies. It hurts way more than I thought it would.
I'm happy with our family of three. I know that the embryo we have on ice is very unlikely to stick. I know that I do not want to go through the rigmaroles of IVF again. I know we had extremely poor fertilization. I know there were likely implantation issues. I know the realities of the situation and yet, it hurts so much to know that my family building choices are not my own.
Chipmunk is amazing. I want to give her everything I can, and I can't give her a sibling. I know there is no guarantee she'd want a sibling or even like one she ended up with, but the choice is out of my hands. It's the one thing most people can give to their children that I can't.
All of this is compounded by my coworker who is in labor right now. She's chosen a name. The same name we planned to give a boy if Chipmunk were a boy. The name that has come to represent the child we couldn't have. The one we mourn in our own way. Now I have to hear that name every day and meet a child that it now belongs to. A child that deserves to be celebrated.
I feel so selfish for even feeling this way. We are so amazingly blessed. We really truly are. I have a child for crap's sake. A child I didn't think I'd be able to every have, and she's amazing as all get out. I just can't shake this sadness lately and I don't know how to get a grip.
February 23, 2015
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Thinking of you. Those emotions are so very real and tough, but they will pass. You are not selfish. The mourning never is really over. It comes a bit then fades, then comes again, then fades again. It in no way diminishes your love and appreciation for your baby girl. Hang in there! Let me know if you need to chat. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI have been going through a similar thing. I am totally happy with the size of my family now, but I think I resent that I don't get to choose whether or not to have another kid. Sorry you're having a tough time right now. I agree with the previous comment - I think we are going to always go through these ups and downs of emotions with infertility.
ReplyDeleteI understand this. So well. Sending lots of love. x
ReplyDeleteThis is very hard. I'm sorry that you have to live through this instead of growing your family to the size you desire. It just plain sucks. Sending lots and lots of love.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the name you loved has come to be a painful reminder of what you don't have. I don't know if those reminders ever fade away, no matter how happy we are with the families we have. I don't know if having that choice snatched away from us ever hurts less. But I hope it does. If not today or tomorrow, then someday soon. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to so much of this, as I often think how my first child, the one who didnt stay, would make the family we now have just as I always hoped and imagined it would, and its so hard to feel the injustice of that. It's hard, as you say, to watch even your comrads in infertility move on to subsequent pregnancies, and to feel guilty or not appreciative 'enough' for the beautiful child you do have. I think I was so preoccupied with this grief in the earlier months of parenthood with our daughter that I sometimes wasn't as present as I'd have liked to be. All I can do is send hugs and understanding.
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