Keeping My Head Above Water

I'm here, and I haven't drown yet, but some days I feel like I just might.

The Chipmunk is 6 months old now.  Can you believe it?  She is still super mini at a whole 12 lbs 8.5 oz and 23.75 inches.  She's on her own little growth curve, but at least she is growing!  We are still breastfeeding and she recently started solids.  I'm pureeing her food and it's working out great.  I know exactly what she's eating and it's really easy to do.  She's hitting all of her milestones right on time.  She is happy, smiley, and high maintenance.  We love her "feistyness" and hope to find a good way to help her channel it.

But I am so tired.

I'm working full time in an emotionally exhausting job.  Thankfully I work with women who nursed their babes and are very supportive of my thrice a day pumping habit so there's no pressure there.  Pumping is hard work, though.  I hate having to raid my freezer stash if I don't get what I need for her for the next day and sometimes I do fall short.  My job is an hour commute one way.  The Chipmunk is in daycare near the house since my husband works from home.  It works out better that way.  She's a crummy napper, though, so there are a lot of days that I come home from work and only get 15 minutes or so with her before she nurses and goes down for bed.  It blows.  It blows a lot.  There are days where I just wonder why I'm working and then days where I remind myself that I don't have the kind of job that can be a part time gig.  I would suck at being a SAHM.  I love my daughter, but I need my work too.  I just wish it didn't feel so "this or that."

She still wakes up twice a night, but her pedi says a lot of that is because she so small that she legitimately still needs to eat at night.  Thankfully she goes right back down, but I don't know when the last time I had a full night's sleep was.

I've had to, um, lower my standards in the cleanliness arena.  If I want to see my kid on the weekends, I need to not be cleaning.  She's a catnapper, so there isn't much I can get done while she naps.  I can do some things while I wear her (she likes to vacuum with me), but getting down on the floor with her so I can actually know that my child gets on all fours and tries to crawl seems way more important than scrubbing toilets.

My friendships are suffering.  I had made some lovely new IF friends before she was born and I haven't seen them since they were so nice to stop by and meet her.  One of these ladies even had her own baby and I'm such a shit I haven't even met her yet.  Some days I have to force myself to answer some emails or call someone because I'm just. so. tired.  It's not fair to them, but it's so hard to balance it all.

I take the babe for walks on weekends and that's about the extent of the exercise.  With the babe still waking up at night, I hit the hay early so I can get my 40 winks.  Oh, and sex?  It's happened twice.  It's my anniversary and I'm blogging.  What can I say.  We're both too wiped to think about it.

Both of our families are plane rides away.  There is no respite care for us.  We do have close and trusted friends, but they all live near my office... an hour away.  I don't want to cart Chipmunk to their houses, nor do I want them to interrupt their family lives to drive way the heck to my house so I can scrub a floor, or run to Walgreens, or take a damn nap!  Truth be told, I'm not so sure I want a break.  I only get so much time with this one baby at this one stage in her life.

When she wakes up at night, my first thought is, "Sweet Jesus am I tired!"  My second is, "Yay!  Baby cuddles!"  There really is a huge sense of appreciation for every moment.  When she doesn't feel well, I'm crushed that she's uncomfortable, but I'm so full of love and absolutely recognize how close I was to never being able to comfort a child.  I feel like I've been entrusted with such a special little person.  I just hope I'm giving her enough.

So here I am, being a mediocre wife, crummy friend, okay employee, and the best mom I can muster.  I'm hoping it's all enough and that eventually it all just melds into the best me I can be.

Oh, and I'm a shitty blogger.  It's past my bedtime so I'm going to post these incoherent ramblings without proofreading.  Good night!

I've managed to find a handful of y'all on Facebook, but if you want to find me you need my real email address.  If you don't have it and would like to connect, just hit me up and hapahopes@gmail.com and I'll share it with you.